Dear Readers, In today’s blog, I want to talk about something very sensitive, and that is having suicidal thoughts after the loss of a loved one. First and foremost, I want to say that I want to be very respectful of this post, to those we have lost to suicide. I also want to share my experience and what I went through when I lost my husband.
pain
My Grief as a Widow
I struggle to sleep at night. I have flashbacks of the horrific images of how my husband’s body was left. I miss the love of my life every day. It’s hard for me to trust. It’s painful to see his things all over the house, but I cannot bear to take them down. I miss feeling loved, protected and cared for. I miss feeling like I was…
Maudlin
One of the patterns I have noticed in friends’ responses to whatever I happen to post on social media is that, when I post some good news, “happy photos”, or an achievement, I get 3 or 4 times as many “likes”, comments, and whoopy doos, than if I post something hard, messy, painful and tough. There the sorrow just hangs out its forlorn…
Syncopated Grief
Today is one of those exquisitely beautiful, bright autumn days. With temperatures that would feel “just right” on a mid-summer’s day, but with the added benefit of a gentle breeze to doubly kiss my bare skin as I sit now, in the garden, writing this piece. I have been out on a “long run”. The kind of “long run” I do in the run-up to…
Get Along, Grief Shamers
Along about the second year, definitely going into the third and then the fourth…I just wanted to scream at people. Not in anger, but in shredded grief and pain… Why can’t you just let me be sad? Why does it feel like I must defend myself against you? Why does it then feel like I have to defend my grief even to myself? Why does it feel like I…
Heart and Soul
When your heart and soul are just so tired, 5 years in. Not for any particular reason, really. Everything is pretty much the same as it’s always been. Even when life is routine, my spirit is tired. And, yes, life on the road can be routine. Tired from doing and being and all the stuff that comes from living a life that is so achingly and…
The Hammer
This morning, my cousin posted an image on Facebook of a hilarious guitar magazine parody called “Mediocre Guitar.” My husband Don loved music, especially guitars. He owned 7 or 8 of them at all times, and was always hanging out online at guitar websites and message boards, and giving free lessons to his fellow online guitar-enthusiast friends, on…
How Are You?
I have struggled with this question since the moment Ben received his diagnosis. Those are usually the first words out of someone’s mouth when they see me, and then a look immediately crosses their face and I suspect they are thinking one of two things: “God. That was a stupid question to ask. Why did I ask her that? How the Hell do I…
One Month Till One Year
One month till one year, it’s difficult to find the words. Disbelief sums it up well. Disbelief that only one year ago we were living out our dreams together, both so insanely happy and in love. Never could I have imagined our happiness was just a mere month from being ripped away. Its eleven months today. On this day last year he was at work and…
“It Isn’t Just Me”
It’s less than a week until Mike and I will be flying down to Tampa for Camp Widow. It’s so surreal to think of all that has happened in a year. Life is no less complicated than it ever has been, in fact more so for me. It’s a good complicated, but that doesn’t make it easy. I was talking with another widow friend the other day about this. Like me,…
Unraveling Grief: Things I’ve Learned About Letting Go
The other day I was filling out a workbook that I have done several times in January… called Unraveling the Year Ahead. It’s a wonderful workbook created by author, photographer and teacher Susannah Conway. This little booklet is filled with solid questions to get you to write down your reflections on the past year – release what you want to,…
Around the Corner
On July 12th, 2011, during another ordinary day in my previous life, I could have never in a zillion years predicted or seen coming that only hours later, my husband would leave for work and never return again. I could NOT have foreseen that he would be sitting at the computer desk in our bedroom one minute, and the next morning,I would be jarred…