When your heart and soul are just so tired, 5 years in.
Not for any particular reason, really.
Everything is pretty much the same as it’s always been.
Even when life is routine, my spirit is tired. And, yes, life on the road can be routine.
Tired from doing and being and all the stuff that comes from living a life that is so achingly and shockingly different from the life that was going to be.
How many of us just get out there and do what life requires? How many of us go beyond that requirement and strive to truly create a life for ourselves, alongside all the grief and devastation?
And we do, by god. But, Jesus, it’s exhausting.
To me, anyways.
Underlying all the doing and creating and self-care and just…everything….is the overriding knowing that I’ll never see him again, and I ache all over with that knowing.
Sort of like a continual flu.
And you just learn to live with it.
And live above it and around it and with it.
And some days are pretty good, even with it.
It’s just always fucking there.
I haven’t figured out the process for feeling joy again. Or, never mind joy…how about just feeling a sense of peace again? Feeling that all is right with the world again?
My world tilted on April 21, 2013, and it’s just never righted itself.
It’s a constant balancing act now….this life.