Widow's Voice

Widowed Emotions

Marry Me (Version 2020)

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Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be.  But, this is much easier said than done.  I don’t know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost without him anymore.  I don’t know why or how, but I am able to live without Mike with more ease now.  I have finally accepted that Mike died and he is never returning.

I originally wrote parts the original blog, “Marry Me”, two years ago; and the good news is that my grief has changed since then.  Sure, I still imagine our life in my head, but I do it in a less “desperate”  way.  I’m less frantic now.   I’m more at peace, thankfully.

I know and understand that the life I shared with Mike is over.  I accept the finality of it.  I never thought I would, but I finally have accepted his death.  I now can accept his death in my head AND in my heart. Wow.  That’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this in writing.  It’s taken me, nearly four years but I’m finding my way back to life again.

Lost Belonging

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When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed to have lunch one day with Matt but he didn’t come to school. At the last […]

Potential & Change

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I want you to know a few things. After Suzanne dies, you will feel like there is little potential of anything ever making your life any better. Did you know that you will be scared, hurting, very much alone (even surrounded by friends and family), completely lost, and heartbroken? Please know that although you could potentially just curl up in a ball and die from that heartbreak, you won’t.

Potential is an interesting word. It means, “having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future.” When Suzanne dies, you will feel like there really is no future to develop into.

When that time comes, all you will want to ask yourself is, “What’s the point?” I mean, there won’t be a single thing that truly appeals to you as having any real potential for your future.

Addendum

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Now, at 3.6 years, change is no longer just something I think about.  It is something I NEED.  It has become a requirement.  I must action change because I am slowly dying here in suburbia.

I can not stay still any longer than necessary.  In order to be a good mom, I have to make changes next year when my youngest son graduates.  I have to take a leap of faith and just move forward into an uncertain future.  I feel it.  I am brave enough to finally just go for it and live my life.  I am not sure how everything will unfold, but that scares me less than staying here in suburbia.  I was made for bigger things.  I feel it in my bones…

I am still dealing with the fall out from Mike’s sudden death. 

Death is heavy stuff. 

It takes time to sort through the wreckage that follows the death of your spouse.

Mike’s death left me with so many questions.  I  had to recreate my identity.  Wow.  Yikes, that is a bit daunting at the best of times, never mind in the middle of the shit sandwich that is grief.  Figuring out one’s identity is a humongous task.  I spent hours and hours sifting through the fragments of me that survived his death and I carefully and thoughtfully mixed those pieces into my new psyche. 

Even while weighed down by the heaviness of early grief, I knew that I had to figure out who I was – without him.  I had to rediscover my being.  The woman I am without Mike is pretty fabulous.  I like her a lot and I know that he would love her very much.  I am many of the things I was when Mike walked the Earth, but I have evolved into so much more. 

Mike’s death has taught me a lot about living.  Ironic isn’t it.  That is the beauty of life.  It is one crazy ride.  I am forever grateful to Mike for influencing my life and who I am.  And, that man continues to love on me from wherever he is now, I feel it.

Survivor Superpowers

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If there is one thing hardship can help us develop in ourselves, it is a resolve that no matter what life throws at us, we will not back down or be broken. We can decide that we will not stop believing that life can be beautiful, and funny, and wonderful, and full of love. We can decide not to give in to the idea that I grew up with – that “normal” is best or better somehow. Instead, we who have been through the hard shit can embrace the fact that life has thrown it’s hardest stuff at us, and not only did we make it through, but by God, we made something beautiful of it too. 

One Stood Up Widow

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Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a point in our life where we can begin to date again. I know Clayton would want me to […]

Dreams, Love and Gratitude

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I wrote about unconditional love and gratitude some weeks ago, so you’re probably wondering why I’m writing about these things again. Well, I’m not writing specifically about those same topics as I shared then. Instead, I want to share about these three things together: dreams, love and gratitude.

What do I mean? To me, these things are inseparable.

My life’s dreams always included some form of love and gratitude. Those dreams have always been about true love and what it means to me. But my dreams were also my hopes for a future. They were what I thought I was meant to do.

Double Duty

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When he died, he was in the processing of teaching the boys how to do many of these tasks. Mike thought he had time. And, then time ran out. Death robbed us overnight. And, I find this ironic because Mike was a police officer. He was supposed to protect us from the injustices of life. But, sometimes things just aren’t fair. And, lousy things happen to good people; and, then, they are forced to somehow gather themselves and limp forward.

Falling Backwards

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Over the last week, I have been hit by several large waves of grief. Quite frankly, it sucks. It has been a long time since I have felt like this.

First, I want to talk about triggers and what I think kicked it off for me, so starting with a bit of a rant here. While much of the time, I am and remain hopeful about my life and about us as a society, the triggers that drove me to feel the way I did last weekend were simply signals to me that things are not always going to work the way I hope. That there will be times when I will know bitterness and disappointment. I will feel like I let myself down (and others).

But the key thing is, I know I can do better and even if it’s a matter of taking a tiny baby step forward and seeing the positivity and being grateful for the tiniest of successes, then that is a start. Will I always be able to overcome these bouts of grief? To quote Brian Wilson, “God Only Knows. And God only knows what I will be without” Suzanne…

I am no longer the woman you loved…

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Everything is jumbled inside me.  My life has been muffled since you died.  My thoughts of you are so loud that they quiet everything else in my mind.  Tender thoughts of you hijack me from my own life.  (It must be sad for you to watch.)  Ruminating about you sends me in a tailspin back to the past – to a point in time when you are alive.  Mike, I love my memories of you, but I can not continue to relive our life in my head.  I can not continue to journey backwards.  I can not keep returning to this place where I keep you suspended in time.  I need to take flight and move forward.  I know full well that life is not lived in reverse.  Dammit, I know this but lately I feel like I am losing traction and slipping backwards.   

Covid-19 is complicating my efforts to reengage in living.  Now, like everyone else in the world, I am stuck in a holding pattern.  I can’t exactly make bold moves and reenter life with any real passion right now.  The whole world is paused.  We are all standing still.  Collectively, we are waiting.  Standing still.  Waiting…  

Humanity is waiting until it is safe to reenter life.  And, I am just one person lost in this stillness.  This lack of momentum reminds me so much of early grief.  It is feels far too familiar to me.  This stillness the world is collectively participating in has returned me to the habits of early grief.  I have begun ruminating about you again.  Thought of you consume me. And, these persistent thoughts are robbing me of my own life. *Sigh.  I am so fucking tired of being stuck.  I feel like I am held hostage by my thoughts about a life that died with you.  I desperately need to find respite from my rumination of you my dead lover.  You are the dead man who keeps me from living.  I know this breaks your heart.  I’m trying to change this.