Eight years after sudden loss, I often have the feeling that maybe Im okay. Maybe I have finally moved past all of the trauma surrounding ‘that day”. Maybe it will now sit in the background like a dull hum, soothing me instead of harming me. Or maybe that’s a lie. This morning, I was eating […]
Widowed Emotions
Unalome
What is an unalome? It’s a symbol.
There are many styles of unalome, but this is a post about the meaning. But one particular unalome has an even more profound meaning for me than the “definition” of the unalome.
The unalome symbol represents the path to enlightenment in the Buddhist culture.
It’s in the Eyes~
Sometimes I torture myself by looking at pictures of myself when I was younger.
Not because getting older bothers me, but because it intrigues me to study them for how I looked before life disintegrated into a cloud of dust around me.
When the Volume Gets Cranked Up
And sometimes, when that other life slams into me, it feels like both of these separate worlds are cranked up to 100% volume simultaneously and it’s incredibly traumatic.
Blase
I know I can be happy again. I’m just growing impatient. It’s been 3.3 years since Mike died. I have diligently attended to my grief. I’ve been a good student. So, when is my life going to feel good again? A lot of time has passed since Mike died. And, I am not sad […]
Smoothing Out the Sea Glass
The intense emotions of losing Clayton are fewer these days. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse. Double-edged sword I suppose. On one hand there is constant aching you can expect day after day. On the other hand you find reprieve from the bands of meteorological mess. Joy slips in, you drop […]
Scared
On March 15th, I will be moving into an apartment with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, Nick. We signed the lease on Valentines Day. (which was just a coincidence, but ended up feeling somewhat romantic and sweet). Over the past 8 years since Don’s death, I have moved 3 different times, finally ending up back […]
I’m Not Ashamed
I had prepared a different post to publish today (not this one), but I changed my mind. Instead, I felt compelled to write about how it feels to arrive at the 18-month mark since Suzanne died. On my personal Facebook page, the memory of what I wrote 1-year ago came up and I posted it—it […]
Over and Over Again. I Do…
I do.
Again, and over and over.
Even knowing that you would someday leave me.
Change
I feel change. Change in me. And, changes around me.
If Mike’s death has taught me anything it is that change is the only thing that is constant in life.
Change is the only thing that you can know for certain.
I have changed so very much since he died I often wonder if he could come back to life if Mike and I would need some time to adjust to each other. I am not the woman Mike knew and loved anymore. Parts of that woman still exist, but his death has irreparably changed me. I accept this. I have to.
Moving Forward….
My second Valentine’s without you. The first one was a fog. The second one I’m wide awake with full clarity to feel all the feelings. To say today is fine would be dishonest. Today is hard but I know that I’ll be ok. I am safe. Since Tin’s passing, I have found that my open […]
Distraction
Among the many things I have been told since Suzanne died was that I should not try to distract myself from the grief. No matter what the form, a distraction (from what I can gather) is anything I do that stops me from thinking about Suzanne’s death