Widow's Voice

Widowed Suddenly

On the Cusp

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I can feel change… I am on the cusp of a beautiful new life.  After fumbling along the dim and rutted path of grief, I have finally come to a clearing.  I have found my way out of the dark and I am standing on the edge of a peaceful place.  A place that will lead me back to the light.  I have a hunch that I am headed towards a wonderful life.  A life I have desperately wanted to recreate since he died.  I can actually feel a full and authentic life waiting for me just around the corner.  It is calling out to me. I have been directionless for so long, but somehow I now know the way out.  I will find my way out by instinct.  I will follow my heart.  I will travel by feel. 

I feel like I am heading toward the homestretch.  I have used up nearly all my reserve energy fighting my way back to life; and, now, I am on a type of natural high.  And, I am going to make a break for it.  I imagine myself sprinting toward the new life I sense waiting for me.  I am madly running toward my new life.  I am bolting towards the unknown like my life depends on it. And, in a very real way it does. 

Where do I belong?

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Life after the death of the person you love is weird. It is confusing. Mind numbing. Empty. Lacklustre. And, a bunch of other feelings and things. I’m sitting in my car typing this.  I’m parked in the culdesac across from what used to be Mike’s house. Our house.  The place where our little love story […]

Imaginary Tigers

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A metaphor that my counselor used once was the idea of going into the jungle and getting attacked by a tiger. And the next time you find yourself in a similar jungle, you are consumed by the fear of the tiger to the point of running away… when there was no tiger around for miles. In fact, you might even be in a jungle where tigers don’t even live, but you’re still standing there scared of a tiger. This is what trauma can do to us.

Empty Space

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There is a giant void that lives in my chest.  This isn’t a real thing; but, nonetheless, there seems to be a huge, heavy, invisible emptiness seems to take up all the room in my lungs.  It feels like there is not enough space for air inside me.  For the last 3.9 years my breath feels shallow.  And, really, so does my life.

I am tired of being sad. 

I am emotionally exhausted because I feel everything so deeply; and, also I feel nothing at the same time.

I am not sure which is worse.

Since Mike died, I feel every thing in color, but I am living in grey.  I know that it is a tragedy to live like this, but I do not know how to change it.  I just don’t feel joy anymore.  Yes, I have fleeting moments of happiness; but nothing, not one damn thing has been lasting.  I just can’t seem to find a way to remain tethered in the present moment long enough to experience genuine joy.  I wonder if I will ever be capable of this again.

Unassisted

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I felt sad when I left the dealership as the owner of a new car.  I knew I was supposed to feel happy.  I mean they congratulated me on my purchase.  Apparently this was big stuff.  Purchasing a vehicle is supposed to be a big deal.  But, I felt a bunch of nothing.  Most people celebrate the purchase of something new.  But, I didn’t feel particularly celebratory or happy.  Instead, I felt the familiar emptiness that has lived inside me since he died.  Most “normal” people would be sick from the lack of feelings I had; but I am used to feeling this heavy numbness.  Being without feeling is normal for me; and, for this reason, I just carried on.  I mindlessly drove…

First Flight, Last Flight

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Hey bud,   You know, there are a lot of coincidental similarities between you and I.  I mean, even at age 6, I was fascinated by flight (spaceflight specifically, at the time), visiting Kennedy space center, and the US air force museum.  I enlisted in the Marine Corps at 17, and guess where I ended […]

Anything You Want

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Whatever is left of me has been reclaimed.  I have been slowly and steadily undergoing a rebirth of sorts.  It has been painful and tedious.  But, I’m doing it.  I am steadily rebuilding myself from the wreckage because I have to.  I have no other choice.  I love life too much to just sit here and waste what I have left.  I love him too much to never try to live my best life again.  And, nothing, not one damn thing, will make Mike happier than if his girl can smile again.  It might take everything I’ve got, but I am trying to find a way to live in a world that he is gone from.  I owe this to myself.  I deserve to be happy again and you do too.