4.10 years later, I am content, happy and joy filled AND I continue to miss Mike. This is something I will do for the rest of my life. I miss him. I simply do. He was a wonderful person and I miss sharing my life with him. But, more than missing him, I am filled with a deep gratitude for what was between us. Mike loved me well and he changed my life with his love. His love was strong and true and big. He was everything that I ever wanted love to be. Mike made me a Fan Girl of Love and I get to keep all this. This stuff didn’t die with him. All of this is etched into my Soul. His love is in my bones, it is imprinted on my skin. I am strong on his love.
**This post contains discussion of suicide** September is Suicide Awareness and Prevention Month, which means a lot of emails, social media posts, etc. about suicide. Don’t get me wrong, I think awareness about suicide, including warning signs and how to help someone with suicidal ideation, is so important. We definitely need more people aware of […]
Kelley wasn’t able to post today, so we thought we’d share this post that she wrote back in 2017. Enjoy! The definition of the word “duality” is as follows: 1. the quality or condition of being dual 2. an instance of opposition or contrast between two concepts or two aspects of something; a dualism. “the […]
We can not shed our grief like I had hoped early on. Instead, we must carefully and tenderly absorb it into our bones. Grief is in the air you breath, in swirls around in your coffee, it is in the sunshine that warms your shoulders, and it lingers in your bathwater. You can not escape grief; I now realize that this isn’t possible. And, it is not the goal. It never was.
Image by Sarah Treanor on www.streanor.com This is my 104th piece of writing for Soaring Spirits International, which means I have been writing here for exactly 2 years. A piece a week. And sometimes I write more frequently on my own personal blogsite. I had been widowed for over two years, and had lost my […]
I originally posted this blog April 2019. But, it merits a repost. The topic is sexual bereavement and it is very real and it need to be discussed more candidly and more often.
As widowed people we do not often discuss how our sex lives die with them. But, the truth is that this is an enormous secondary loss.
Sexual bereavement is a thing. It is very real and it profoundly affects us as we live on without the one we love. Daily, we miss the intimacy of being a couple. And, nothing, not one thing can replace this. The daily nuances that exist between two lovers. Your unspoken language. The secret words you whispered to one another. The tone he reserved for just you. The dialect of love.
As surviving spouses we miss the stolen glances. The way his adoring eyes watched me prepare a meal. The winks he sent me across the room during a dinner party. Tenderly placing my hand on his leg as he drove us some place. Walking side by side and casually reaching for his familiar hand; and, then interlocking my fingers with the man I love. Their hands. Their kiss. That place on the small of my back that only he knew. The way he gently brushed the hair out of my eyes before his lips met mine. The way I fell into his chest as he pulled me to him. All of this. Every last thing. This is the stuff we ache for. This is the stuff that I quietly grieve.
*Content warning: discussion of suicidal ideation/suicide and psychiatric hospitalization July 4th is one of those holidays that maybe you wouldn’t expect to be grief-y, but for me it is. Maybe it is more trauma-related rather than grief. Anyway, I thought if anybody would understand, it would be fellow widows and grievers. So, I thought I […]
After 4.7 years, I can write to you and say that I actually like my life again. And, I am almost sort of “happy” once again too. I have come to accept my life without him; and, I am also excited about my future. These are all things that I could not imagine when Mike first died. But, alas, I am a very different widow than the one who began writing to you in 2018. Early on, I created mantras for myself so that I could somehow survive in a world where he is not. Once upon a time I used to say, “love got me here, and love will get me through”. And… it has. I was right. Love (in all its forms) for the win.
I still have so many of Boris’s things. When he died, I think I moved too quickly in getting rid of a lot of stuff. I thought that I had to, I guess. I donated tons of shoes and clothes and some furniture. I even sold some of his valuable music and computer equipment. But, […]
Touch has helped bring me further present. It has helped reawaken me to the moment I am living in. Touch has resuscitated me in ways that nothing else can. Touch has given me the air I need when I was struggling to breath life back into myself. For me, touch has been healing in a new a different ways.
Touch has brought me back in touch with my humanness. I have allowed myself to acknowledged that I am still alive. And, because I draw breathe, my skin still hungers for the touch of another human being. Touch in and of itself is just that. It is not love, but it is something. And, sometimes a nebulous thing is really a big deal.
I need to see new things. And, also, see the same things – somewhere else. I need to stand on different street corners. And, walk roads that lead to new people and places. I need to breathe the air – somewhere else. Anywhere else. I feel like I am holding my breath, Living here in […]
The problem is, I have no idea what or who will help me feel this Soul fulfillment that I long for. It has been 4.6 years since I have felt truly content and I do not know when a sense of peace will ever return to me.