This past weekend some of my in-laws visited; Erik’s dad, his stepmom, and his older brother. It’s always great to have them visit and the twins always love being around them. While they were only here for a short while we made the most of it. As a solo mom, planning anything even just for a couple of days takes a lot out of me, but we did it. We were able to fit in the Santa Ana Zoo. The twins had a blast seeing all the animals, playing on the playground, and riding the carousel. We made it to the Pretend City Children’s Museum and they all had so much fun playing make-believe. But most of all, we got to spend some much-needed quality time together. The twins really get attached to their Grandpapa. Even on his last couple of visits, they would run straight to him as if no time had passed. He’s the only one on Erik’s side that they don’t need any time to warm up to. I think they sense that familiar connection to Erik.
As we were out to lunch one of the days, my father-in-law and I got to talking while the twins played with their uncle. And he made a comment that really stuck with me. He was talking about how big the twins have gotten and how great I’ve been doing given everything and then he said, “What a shame for Erik to be missing all of this…just look at them.” And I turned my head to the playground behind me and saw them mouth wide open, corners turned up, all teeth visible, laughing so hard their eyes were squinting with no worries in the world, as all kids should be. At that moment those words he just said and the vision I just saw sank in. As much as I knew it and heard it, in that moment it just felt so much more real. He’s right. It is a shame for Erik. It’s a shame that he is missing all of this. It’s a shame for everything he has missed since he died. And it’s a shame for everything he will miss.
That comment stuck with me through the night. It took me back to two years ago and everything since. It made me think of how much we all changed. Not just the kids getting older and growing, but how much I had gone through from the moment he died to now. All the things we had to do without him. All the survival we had to and still have to endure. But what gets me the most is looking back at all the memories he missed out on since taking his last breath. Those missed memories.
