So this week was my husband Nick’s 58th birthday. Because we havent really been out anywhere in so long because of the pandemic, I decided to book us a weekend getaway that is very covid-safe and socially distant. Through Airbnb, I booked us 2 nights at a lakefront cottage with private dock, and even comes […]
So, before I share my little story, let me say that everyone is totally fine and nothing bad actually happened to my wonderful husband Nick. He overslept. That is what happened. But because he overslept, he did not answer my calls or my voicemails or my three text messages that I left him, and because […]
My worldly possessions feel heavy. They are housed in my home and chain me to a life that I no longer wish to participate in. I don’t give a shit about the stuff on my walls or the sofa across from me. It is all meaningless to me. What can it do for me? What does it do for anyone really?
Moving forward, I do not want things. What matters to me is the feel of things, not the actual things. I want to live a full and joy filled life that draws inspiration from experiences – not stuff. And, sure, it is true, I do like nice things; but material things do not fill my heart with happiness. In fact, my worldly possessions feel weighty to me. They feel like a burden to me. In the near future, I hope to travel and I do not want to have to worry about storing my things while I am gone. To me, more is less.
This July, on the 13th of that month, will mark the 10 year anniversary of Don Shepherd’s death. In 10 years, some things have not changed. It has not changed that I still hate using the word “anniversary” when talking about the worst day of my life, and when referencing the death of a human […]
We in the Midwest are blessed to experience the Four Seasons, even if summer is too short, winter lasts about twice as long as it ought to, and spring is a rumor that most years shows up belatedly and lasts but a few short days. As I am jotting today’s entry, it’s currently about 33 […]
It is Mike’s 65th birthday today. On March 22nd, I will always “celebrate” him. There will never be a birthday of his that I don’t think tenderly of him. On his birthday I purposefully choose to remember the way he lived. I celebrate the life and love we shared together. This is how I try […]
Lee had great empathy and was incredibly kind. From personal observations and long experience, I came to appreciate her unfailingly pleasant demeanor, but I did not fully appreciate the positive effects that her powerful combination of empathy and kindness had had upon others until word had spread that she was gravely ill. Then an unsolicited […]
There was a feeling in my heart last night as I watched President Biden giving his first address to the nation, on the one-year mark of COVID-19 being titled a worldwide pandemic – Hope. I felt hope. And a very slow climb back into living life again. Both of my parents got their first vaccinations […]
This time buying feels different. It feels like I am attempting to fix a wrongdoing.
The wrongdoing being Mike’s death… Moving is a big step in the direction of righting my alternate life. It is forward motion. It is acknowledgement of the permanence of his death. It is necessary and it is a good thing. This move is about me. It is my decision. My choice. My sale. My purchase. It is about my family and our future. And, I should be excited about it. And, I sort of am. I am just not altogether overjoyed. I am a bit blaise and this should not surprise me because I have been operating in apathy for 4.3 years now. The move just really brings into focus how deep this indifference is embedded in my psyche.
Does anyone else along this widowed tsunami feel like they were robbed out of something, or out of everything? Does anyone ever feel bitter or angry or resentful of the seemingly easy lives that others get to experience, without any major traumas or sudden shocking deaths to shatter their worlds into a million little pieces? […]
Today Is Friday, and I actually am remembering to write in here, instead of rushing around last minute the next day or 2 days later, because I forgot again. So thats something I guess. This whole “widow brain” thing has really melted into more of a “getting older brain” thing, as well as a “pandemic […]
We escaped the grip of the storm. The only remnant in GA was below normal temperatures. During the day, it felt like early Spring. Nights would drop to the low 30s, but an overall major improvement compared to when we began our road trip. It reminded me of how mid-April feels back home. Instead of […]