Widow Me This – Why is it that 9 years after losing my husband Don to sudden death, one little smell or song or memory or anything can occur, and suddenly, I feel like it just happened, like he just died? How is it that 9 years later, I still cant go into or even […]
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Secondary losses continued…
Since he died,
I’ve been scared a lot because I have to do everything on my own.
Since he died,
I’ve been forced to do a hell of a lot more than simply watching movies alone.
I’ve been forced to life alone.
And, this is far from easy.
Let me see where Mike is at
On Friday, a couple of days ago, some dear friends, Trisha, Angus & Isobel from London, came to stay for he evening/night before heading into the Swiss Alps for some summer holiday mountain respite. Dear friends to me, to Mike, and to each of our kids, all of whom were born after our friendship began […]
Unassisted
I felt sad when I left the dealership as the owner of a new car. I knew I was supposed to feel happy. I mean they congratulated me on my purchase. Apparently this was big stuff. Purchasing a vehicle is supposed to be a big deal. But, I felt a bunch of nothing. Most people celebrate the purchase of something new. But, I didn’t feel particularly celebratory or happy. Instead, I felt the familiar emptiness that has lived inside me since he died. Most “normal” people would be sick from the lack of feelings I had; but I am used to feeling this heavy numbness. Being without feeling is normal for me; and, for this reason, I just carried on. I mindlessly drove…
Jumbled Mess
Thats how my brain feels right now. Like a jumbled up fog. Its messy inside there. Nothing is organized. Thoughts are not linear or neatly cataloged. Will they ever be again? I dont know. It often feels as though my brain has been hijacked. This one I have been left with isn’t as adventurous, or […]
9 Years
Not sure what to say really. July 13th was the 9 year death day of my husband Don. I dont like to call it an “anniversary”, since that word feels like something that should be celebrated with cake and champagne and parties. This year felt exhausting to me, and also, maybe I was too tired […]
The Evolution of Grief part 1 (of many)
Now, at 3.8 years, my grief is not just about Mike. It’s not that I don’t miss him now, I do. I miss him endlessly. I say “I miss you Mike” many, many times each day. But, now the uncertainty surrounding my future is what really gets to me. My focus is on me and not simply surviving his death. I have done this. I have survived Mike dying. And, now, I am attempting to thrive in the life I am slowly and meticulously recreating from scratch without a recipe to follow. Like all widowed people, I am rebuilding my life and discovering my new self-identity and this is a long and tedious process. But, this process is necessary. It is part of the evolution of grief. Eventually, grief becomes ours – for ourselves. It’s not about my dead spouse anymore… it’s about me. I am the one who is still living. And, you are too.
When Covid Strikes
Hello Everyone. This may be one of the longest blog posts Ive ever written in here. If you make it to the end, congratulations, and also thank you for reading. Im hoping that by sharing some of the specifics of our story, others can know a bit more about this mystery covid virus, and maybe […]
Trying to Fake the 4th
Happy 4th of July everyone. I hope it can be the best you can make it! I’m trying over here but I’m not very successful. Today would have been Tin and my 6th year anniversary. Three years ago I celebrated the last 4th of July with Clayton. We were up in Massachusetts for my father’s […]
Just Reality That Hasn’t Happened Yet – A Letter to the Year 2020
Dear 2020, We are in an abusive relationship and I’m going to have to ask you to please stop. Some days you bring me amazing exciting happy events and than the next you throw a curveball of stress or sadness at the state of the world right now. I think the hardest part of our […]
Love is the Cure…
I can only help ease the void he left with love itself.
When I miss Mike what I’m missing is love.
How can I solve this absence of love with anything but love?
Love is the cure here – I know this.
Bring It…
Since he died, I have reestablished my life with the exception of my love life. Around the three year mark, I realized that I had to address this missing component of my life without Mike. I acknowledged that I desperately miss being part of a couple and I accepted that I would do something about this. It was no secret to me, I liked being in love and I longed for the feelings that go along with being madly in love. Daily, I have been missing this intangible stuff of love. I continually hungered for what I lost when Mike died. And, for me, I knew that I could not be wholly satisfied alone. I remember how much richer my life was with Mike and because of this I am simply not satisfied on my own.