Widow's Voice

Widowed Anniversaries

Marry Me (Version 2020)

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Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be.  But, this is much easier said than done.  I don’t know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost without him anymore.  I don’t know why or how, but I am able to live without Mike with more ease now.  I have finally accepted that Mike died and he is never returning.

I originally wrote parts the original blog, “Marry Me”, two years ago; and the good news is that my grief has changed since then.  Sure, I still imagine our life in my head, but I do it in a less “desperate”  way.  I’m less frantic now.   I’m more at peace, thankfully.

I know and understand that the life I shared with Mike is over.  I accept the finality of it.  I never thought I would, but I finally have accepted his death.  I now can accept his death in my head AND in my heart. Wow.  That’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this in writing.  It’s taken me, nearly four years but I’m finding my way back to life again.

Potential & Change

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I want you to know a few things. After Suzanne dies, you will feel like there is little potential of anything ever making your life any better. Did you know that you will be scared, hurting, very much alone (even surrounded by friends and family), completely lost, and heartbroken? Please know that although you could potentially just curl up in a ball and die from that heartbreak, you won’t.

Potential is an interesting word. It means, “having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future.” When Suzanne dies, you will feel like there really is no future to develop into.

When that time comes, all you will want to ask yourself is, “What’s the point?” I mean, there won’t be a single thing that truly appeals to you as having any real potential for your future.

Messages from Mike

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There seems to come a time in life for those of us who do not grow up with formal religion – and perhaps it’s triggered by loss and hardship, perhaps by age – where we search for meaning in losses and in life, and messages or clues that there might be something before and after […]

The Power of Your Name

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Dear Tin, It’s so hard to believe that this week makes the second year I’ve had to wake up without you. I don’t know how to describe how 2 years feels like already and forever ago at the same time. Many people don’t understand that grief comes in drops, ripples, waves and flash floods. For […]

Nothing and Everything to Say

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As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I […]

Please Pass the Salt

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When I was younger I rarely said no to food. I liked almost everything except baked macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes. Absolutely hated it but it was my Dad’s favorite. “Do I have to eat this?” I said. “I’ll eat anything else.” “You’ll eat what’s put in front of you.” said my Dad. He […]

The Wrong Kind of Dates

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About a year ago, I ventured a little toe into the on-line dating waters. Everything about the idea was absurd, unfathomable, unimaginable. Before that, I’d had a couple of months where I bravely, if hesitantly, asked trusted friends, “Do you know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone (etc) who might know a nice man […]

Season of Anger

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I try to stay pretty positive but I’m already furious at all of those people who are complaining they are going crazy being stuck at home with their spouses and their children. I understand how this weird situation can be on everyone but can they just manage one week of being inconvenienced before jumping on […]

Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020

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This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip.  The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has already taught me – nothing is in our control.  Nothing in life is constant. 

The only thing certain in our lives is change.  Mike’s death has taught me to accept that life is messy and unpredictable; and in this way I am somewhat mentally and emotionally ready to handle the current crisis.  I am used to isolation and living with a sense of uncertainty because I have lived this way since the day he died.  Sadly, all of this feels very familiar to me.  *Sigh.