Widow's Voice

Widowed Milestones

Marry Me (Version 2020)

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Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be.  But, this is much easier said than done.  I don’t know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost without him anymore.  I don’t know why or how, but I am able to live without Mike with more ease now.  I have finally accepted that Mike died and he is never returning.

I originally wrote parts the original blog, “Marry Me”, two years ago; and the good news is that my grief has changed since then.  Sure, I still imagine our life in my head, but I do it in a less “desperate”  way.  I’m less frantic now.   I’m more at peace, thankfully.

I know and understand that the life I shared with Mike is over.  I accept the finality of it.  I never thought I would, but I finally have accepted his death.  I now can accept his death in my head AND in my heart. Wow.  That’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this in writing.  It’s taken me, nearly four years but I’m finding my way back to life again.

Lost Belonging

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When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed to have lunch one day with Matt but he didn’t come to school. At the last […]

One Stood Up Widow

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Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a point in our life where we can begin to date again. I know Clayton would want me to […]

Quarantined from Closure in a Garden of Grief

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We find ourselves surrounded by closures of stores, restaurants, movie theaters, parks and beaches. Those are the closures we can tangibly see but there are so many more emotional situations we are closed off from. The one I’m feeling heavier than any other is a certain aspect of closure with the loss of a loved […]

Now What? (Take 2)

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Still, I can not believe how drastically different my life is without him.  I still ask myself  “NOW WHAT?” …  What the hell am I supposed to do without him?  I don’t have the answer.  In truth, I  have more questions than answers and I think that’s okay for right now.  It has to be because it is what I’ve got.

Maybe, I will find the answers to the questions I ask in the stillness and in the quiet of the lockdown Covid19 has created.  Maybe, while distancing from others, I will become closer to myself.  And, perhaps, I will “hear” what my Soul has to say while I retreat into mandatory solitude.  Maybe, I will figure out the direction of my life when I am forced to be alone – sheltering in place without the man I love.

The Heroic Haircut

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I gave myself a haircut at home this week. Well maybe it’s not exactly heroic to get a haircut but it took a lot of courage to do it. Not because I might miss a spot or screw up and shave a line across my head but because I had to do it myself. It’s […]

The Power of Your Name

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Dear Tin, It’s so hard to believe that this week makes the second year I’ve had to wake up without you. I don’t know how to describe how 2 years feels like already and forever ago at the same time. Many people don’t understand that grief comes in drops, ripples, waves and flash floods. For […]

Weeds

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This week, I spent a couple of mornings outside in my yard using a weed eater to knock down some of the weeds that have been growing rapidly after lots of rain here in San Diego County over the last few weeks. Weed eating is hard work. Not that I am afraid or don’t like to do hard work, but it is very tiring.

What struck me is that a couple of weeks ago, I had already started to pull weeds in the yard by hand. I have never liked to pull weeds, especially by hand. In that moment, I remembered how many times Suzanne used to plead and negotiate with me to do any kind of yard work when we owned property together previously.

Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020

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This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip.  The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has already taught me – nothing is in our control.  Nothing in life is constant. 

The only thing certain in our lives is change.  Mike’s death has taught me to accept that life is messy and unpredictable; and in this way I am somewhat mentally and emotionally ready to handle the current crisis.  I am used to isolation and living with a sense of uncertainty because I have lived this way since the day he died.  Sadly, all of this feels very familiar to me.  *Sigh.

Arriving in Community

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Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]