Year Three

My imagination moves toward the clouds when I think of Dan. In the early days, I explored the clouds with curiosity and searched for him there. This particular cloud image is meant to show me past the event, so I selected one with light, shadow, darkness and clouds.

The death-day passed with hard work and fanfare. How beloved is this man!

I now stand in the shadow of the 3rd Year Anniversary of the death of my beloved person. Dan Neff. Three years ago I said goodbye and since that time I have said many hello’s when I sense his nearness.

How can someone feel so near and also so far away?

Three lessons stand out.

• Life is still hard—Three years in and life is still so hard. Sharing life with a partner for 51yrs,9months left an imprint on me; brought me a joy that is difficult to describe. The gap he left still remains. Life is still so hard. This, for me, is just an honest fact.

 

• I am stronger than I know—Without a doubt, time proves that I am stronger than I originally thought I was. Although I have my down moments, or down days, I am mostly figuring things out. Self-talk includes mantras such as “life was hard before and we found our way through it” or “look what you have accomplished up till now”. Being strong does not mean that I never struggle; but it does mean I actively seek out what I need.

 

• Staying in the present (rather than the future) helps—This is probably the most important lesson I’ve learned. I try to catch myself when I am imagining myself in future and remind myself, “future is not yet written.”

 

Three truths also inform me.

• Asking for help is a muscle—It is easier to ask for help when I have allowed myself to do so, even when it’s hard. When I practice. Asking for help does not mean that I am weak or incapable. Quite the opposite. It takes courage to ask for help and, like a muscle, it becomes a true strength over time.

 

• Rest and good health habits are a “live” message to my body—When I show myself that “I matter” by my habits, I am choosing to be alive in this new life I never asked for. Each time I say “I matter” I’m saying “I’m still alive and I want to live fully.” It is also helpful for me to define what living fully means to me. What does it include? What does it exclude?

 

• “Choose Life” is a helpful mantra—When facing uncertainty about how to move into future plans, reminding myself to “choose life” is helpful in sorting out what choice matters most to me. What brings life to me daily? What am I choosing from? A few options? Or many options? How do I discover things I may be leaving out?

 

“Courage, dear heart.” C.S. Lewis

 

Heading toward Year Four, one small step at a time.