I did not die.
And, neither did you.
I am still breathing.
And, so are you.
It's that plain.
I can make his death as complicated as I want to, but really it is simple.
Mike died. ...
It all adds up doesn’t it? I’ve had days where it’s one bad thing again and again. I couldn’t catch a break. Life seems so tough when I’m right in the middle of the storm. I used to dwell on...
Mid-January. I can count on consistent cold for at least another couple of months. My rational mind knows better, but I sometimes wonder whether the sun...
Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. Bear Grylls Experiencing loss in the time of Covid is complicated. Times like these require some...
Image by Jen Theodore on Unsplash We are far enough into January now to no longer be seeing quite so many stories of New Year’s Resolutions. What a relief. I can better tolerate stories of New Year’s...
I wrote the original blog in August of 2020 and a lot has changed in my life since then, but this blog is still so very relevant. I have added my current thoughts into the original piece to highlight...
So, this is going to sound weird. But, sometimes I feel jealous of widows who have seemingly perfect love stories with their late partners. Especially, widows who were married, had a beautiful house together,...
Not much to report from Widow Neff this week. Last week’s post published on Wednesday followed by a positive PCR test arriving to me the day after. By then, I mostly felt better, but the official...
Photos by my friend Jane del Pozo Back in the early 1990s, I worked for a couple of years post-Masters, in a small consulting firm of organisational psychologists in Cambridge. One of my colleagues –...
Moving from the apartment where I became widowed has had a lot of competing emotions. Taking down the photos that Clayton hung up and seeing just my dog Roan standing in our empty apartment hit me hard...
My first email of 2022 contained the subject line, “Greetings from Lee.” In her email, Lee apologized for not previously sending along certain linked photographs. Of course, I highly doubted this...
the Mild Misery of the Common Cold Dare I go on? Or shall I put a sign up that says Closed by a Cold with images of innumerable tissues used throughout the night and thrown onto my bed, doubling for a...
Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. Bear Grylls Experiencing loss in the time of Covid is complicated. Times like these require some...
Not much to report from Widow Neff this week. Last week’s post published on Wednesday followed by a positive PCR test arriving to me the day after. By then, I mostly felt better, but the official...
the Mild Misery of the Common Cold Dare I go on? Or shall I put a sign up that says Closed by a Cold with images of innumerable tissues used throughout the night and thrown onto my bed, doubling for a...
. . and a Christmas Story The longer I live the more I realize how different we are as humans. What matters to one is barely a blip on the radar screen to another. What one treasures can be opposite...
Noticing the Passing of Time Frost is something that we take notice of when it arrives to our Southern California neighborhood. Many winters come and go without so much as an icy car windshield at year’s...
AS TIME MARCHES ON The sun rises each day and the moon climbs high at night, marking the passing of time. It has been 243 days and so many things have happened since Dan died. Days, weeks, and months pass...
. . and horses . . . I surprised myself the other day at how emotional I got about recalling how much horses taught me about life and living. A friend posted a lovely story about mares….how they...
. . he is missing It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad,...
A PHOTO JOURNAL OF GRATITUDE On the day before a long past Thanksgiving, after a days-long vigil, my dearest Auntie Martha passed away in a hospital bed set up in her room with her best friend of sixty-plus...
. . THAT OUR SONG BEGINS AGAIN? Adjusting to a daily work schedule, a new work environment, and an entirely new set of applications and procedures left me distracted enough this week that I forgot...
IN HONOR OF OUR BELOVED DEAD Lady La Muerte The Lady La Muerte arrives in her finest gown Covered with butterflies, up and down; her dress the color of la muerte; her hat needs the bull fighter’s...
i carry it in my heart . . . after e.e. cummings poem i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear) e.e. cummings i...
Photos my own these past days So Christmas and New Year have been okay. Better than okay. Moments that were really hard, of course; but more moments that have been really enjoyable. Ben and Megan came...
I celebrated Thanksgiving with Robyn and her brood, but assured Lee’s brother, Paul, that I would be celebrating Christmas with him and his family. Neither Robyn nor I celebrate Christmas as a matter...
Image on Unsplash by Roksolana Zasiadko I am a subscriber to Megan Devine’s weekly and monthly writing prompts. I always read them, even if I don’t often write into them. But this week I want to...
I’ve lived at my apartment for almost 6 years and alone in it without Clayton for almost 4 years. I am 100% full accepting that I’ve stayed in “our” apartment to press pause on parts of my life...
I am very open about my life, my grief journey, my faults and my growth. This week I hesitated to talk about something because I was very scared. I had to go to the doctor for something I noticed a while...
Yesterday, the new man in my life was packing up our vehicles while I was tidying up and readying the house to leave. While he was outside, I went about gathering together an assortment of our things...
An Open Letter to the Holidays… Dear Holidays, As you know, the past 4 years I’ve been trying to figure out life without Clayton. He was always here when you arrived so after he died I couldn’t handle...
For years, I asked a lot of the moon. Every.single.night I stood outside and searched the night sky for traces of him. I stood and waited to feel him. I searched the night for him because I thought my...
Headed into the 4th set of holidays without Clayton and the 5th set without my father I’m spending more time remembering my growth instead of my grief. Walking into the woods of widowhood surrounded...
I met Robyn on one of those dating sites. She was not the first woman I dated after Lee died. We hit things off instantly, though initially I would not have been able to explain to you why this...
Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning...
Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I...
Photos my own these past days So Christmas and New Year have been okay. Better than okay. Moments that were really hard, of course; but more moments that have been really enjoyable. Ben and Megan came...
Well, somehow tomorrow marks a new year. If I am being honest, I do not feel cheery or happy with the ring of the new year. I feel like 2021 was just a year of surviving and getting by. My dad’s...
I celebrated Thanksgiving with Robyn and her brood, but assured Lee’s brother, Paul, that I would be celebrating Christmas with him and his family. Neither Robyn nor I celebrate Christmas as a matter...
. . and a Christmas Story The longer I live the more I realize how different we are as humans. What matters to one is barely a blip on the radar screen to another. What one treasures can be opposite...
I remember the magic of the holidays when I was younger. Time went by at a much slower pace waiting for that one special night followed by a day of jolly and cheer. Christmas Eve we would spend with my...
December is always so busy and it seems generally stressful for every human. With my grief in the mix, it is anxiety-filled with moments of deep sadness and holiday blues. Now add caregiving for my dad...
An Open Letter to the Holidays… Dear Holidays, As you know, the past 4 years I’ve been trying to figure out life without Clayton. He was always here when you arrived so after he died I couldn’t handle...
. . he is missing It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad,...
Part of moving forward is reflecting. This past Thursday was the 4th Thanksgiving without Clayton. I feel very different versus 2 years ago and I think that is important to share as I continue to grow...
I met Robyn on one of those dating sites. She was not the first woman I dated after Lee died. We hit things off instantly, though initially I would not have been able to explain to you why this...
Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming...
Photo my own – Andorran Pyrenees I am just back from three weeks holidays spent with Medjool. It’s been lovely. Refreshing. Renewing. Most of the time we were walking in the Pyrenees, east to west,...
I did not die.
And, neither did you.
I am still breathing.
And, so are you.
It's that plain.
I can make his death as complicated as I want to, but really it is simple.
Mike died. ...
It all adds up doesn’t it? I’ve had days where it’s one bad thing again and again. I couldn’t catch a break. Life seems so tough when I’m right in the middle of the storm. I used to dwell on...
Mid-January. I can count on consistent cold for at least another couple of months. My rational mind knows better, but I sometimes wonder whether the sun...
Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. Bear Grylls Experiencing loss in the time of Covid is complicated. Times like these require some...
I wrote the original blog in August of 2020 and a lot has changed in my life since then, but this blog is still so very relevant. I have added my current thoughts into the original piece to highlight...
So, this is going to sound weird. But, sometimes I feel jealous of widows who have seemingly perfect love stories with their late partners. Especially, widows who were married, had a beautiful house together,...
Not much to report from Widow Neff this week. Last week’s post published on Wednesday followed by a positive PCR test arriving to me the day after. By then, I mostly felt better, but the official...
Photos by my friend Jane del Pozo Back in the early 1990s, I worked for a couple of years post-Masters, in a small consulting firm of organisational psychologists in Cambridge. One of my colleagues –...
Moving from the apartment where I became widowed has had a lot of competing emotions. Taking down the photos that Clayton hung up and seeing just my dog Roan standing in our empty apartment hit me hard...
My first email of 2022 contained the subject line, “Greetings from Lee.” In her email, Lee apologized for not previously sending along certain linked photographs. Of course, I highly doubted this...
Photos my own these past days So Christmas and New Year have been okay. Better than okay. Moments that were really hard, of course; but more moments that have been really enjoyable. Ben and Megan came...
Almost six years ago and three flights of stairs up, we thought our new apartment in this little beach down was part of Heaven. For 8 months I helped you walk up and down these stairs until up was to hard...
Photos by my friend Jane del Pozo Back in the early 1990s, I worked for a couple of years post-Masters, in a small consulting firm of organisational psychologists in Cambridge. One of my colleagues –...
Picture by Debby Hudson on Unsplash I know, notice, or choose to find out, the weirdest things about dates and days. I love number patterns. I love that my birthday is 270367 and Mike’s is 270763. Same...
So yesterday was the anniversary of the day that Don proposed to me under the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree in NYC. I share this milestone date with a dear widow friend who lives in NYC, and the “crapaversary”...
Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning...
Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I...
Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021. For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was...
I wrote this one year ago. It is amazing how in a year so much can change in a person’s life. I will explain in an addendum that follows. ~S. I realize that I may always “fall” when...
Grief has a timeline of it’s own. For me, my grief only receded into the background when I started to genuinely LIVE more. I often say that “My Grief got “softer” when my Life got louder”. ...
Written on 11 September 2021 Main image by Jesper Blijdestein on Unsplash 9/11. Nine-Eleven trips off the tongue. It means September 11th 2001. Even to Brits, who would otherwise say 11th of September...
This past week I went with a close friend to the cemetery where her friend is buried. It was the 25th anniversary of his death by suicide. She has been a very supportive friend when Boris was receiving...
On July 25, 2008, Boris and I went to the beach. It was pretty romantic (as romantic as 17-year olds can be). We kissed and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We’d been friends for a couple of years...
Photos my own I survived last week. I survived 30 June and 1 July. I survived the two year “deathiversary” of Julia’s death. Forever split across a date line, two days of the week, two dates, two...
