I’m not qualifiably bipolar, but I swear I feel like I’m two people living distinctly different lives. If left on my own, supposing I had the money to do so, I’d park my rig, PinkMagic,...
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash One of the phrases that I hear, and that I use myself, in my still new, post-loss world, is “this life of after”. It’s a phrase that gets used a lot in the COVID...
There are qualities that I yearn to possess again. Things both tangible and otherwise. There are attributes both big and small that I miss about the woman I used to be. Namely, I miss her joy. ...
Talking to someone who has lost a loved one isn’t the easiest situation. Many people get anxious, some shut down, some unintentionally say the wrong thing. I try to remember that they are hoping to meet...
A metaphor that my counselor used once was the idea of going into the jungle and getting attacked by a tiger. And the next time you find yourself in a similar jungle, you are consumed by the fear of the...
Bear with me as I write this. I’m a total and complete Outlander fan, but the words I’m going to write aren’t because I swoon every time I hear James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser...
Image by Leonardo Santamaria for NPR Confession: I have no idea where this piece of writing will go. Another confession: That happens quite often with these blogposts, though for sure much of my writing...
The first year I felt angry when I saw older people living when Mike was not. I felt that it was unfair that so many old people were alive while my fiancé died before our wedding. I felt guilty about...
Almost three years ago, I flew home from a convention in Mexico. We had to fly around Hurricane Nate. I got home. Clayton and I prepped the apartment and planned to go to his mother’s house. He wasn’t...
I am writing this not just because I have not written for a few weeks. I am also writing it as a sort of apology.These last few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As a solo parent, entrepreneur...
Sailors of old had the right idea. They looked to the stars to place themselves as they rode the ocean waves. I’m here, they could say, after sighting particular stars and constellations. Rising...
Main Photo by Nikolai Chernichenko on Unsplash I have written quite a bit about my challenging relationship with Death Admin. That I despise it. That it’s painful. That it takes too much time and energy...
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles...
I’ve had some really weird and disturbing dreams the past week. The sort of dreams that don’t really relate to anything in my actual life but have lots of very stressful or strange things going on...
The Fourth of July - All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By...
This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses...
So this blog is a bit different than I usually write. This week I’ve been obsessed with terminology. Have you ever stopped for a minute and thought about words? Where did they come from? How they got...
It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying: “I thought you said you were ok and...
When I began my life without Mike 2.5 years ago, I felt like I landed in a foreign country and I could not speak the language. There was a sense that I was standing helplessly in the baggage claims area. ...
I watched the first episode of a new show on Netflix this morning called Dead to Me. In the episode, two women meet at a grief group, both widows. They end up building a new friendship as late night phone...
I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company. All of us are working a side business together with a...
Since becoming an involentary widow almost 8 years ago, I have changed in many positive ways. I am more empathetic. I am more sympathetic. I am less judgemental of people's lives and situations and...
Well the past two weeks I have been absent from blog writing. The first anniversary of Tin’s passing was quickly approaching and I honestly was scared. Scared to think about it. Scared to talk about...
I did it. Maybe I didn’t outwardly realize I was doing it but I did it. I ignored the rising flood.For the past week I have made myself more and more busy. I have extended myself to help others beyond...
I am writing this not just because I have not written for a few weeks. I am also writing it as a sort of apology.These last few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As a solo parent, entrepreneur...
Images from internet searches for Netflix’s “After Life” Sometime after Mike died – perhaps a matter of months – Megan came to me and said, “Muuuuum – my Netflix account isn’t...
I can’t deny that really, since Drew died, life has just never gotten back to being “easy” or “effortless” in the way it was back before he died. Of course, I don’t ever remember anyone saying...
Today’s – no – this week’s – topic is Love. As I sit and reflect on what to write about, as with last week, there seems to be lots of different topics. All interesting at some level, but not...
I have so much fear of becoming widowed again. Some days, that fear is louder than others… like anticipating my own personal asteroid out there that is going to crash into me on some unknown date in...
Featured photo my own – Metro sign in Paris 17 August 2020 I could write about five or more different topics this morning. Or none. The five feel valid but somewhat anecdotal. A bit light. And yet...
All photos my own, taken this week in the French Pyrenees I could write tons of letters of encouragement to my Widbuds, or indeed Grieflings of any fragrance or flavour. Whether it’s about putting one...
Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash I spend a lot of my time reading about death, dying, and grieving, participating in webinars and holding space sessions with grief experts, people who’ve developed wise...
At the behest of my new partner, I have started to read fiction again. The second of her recommendations is a book called “A Gentleman in Moscow.”
I am currently reading and enjoying it. Set in...
In the year after our twin daughters were born, we got a golden retriever puppy we named Charlie. Everyone always says they have, “the best dog ever,” but Charlie truly was. When the girls were young,...
What happened instead is that an opening was made, for that voice to come back and haunt me. That voice that tells me I am cursed in some way from ever having those milestone, big, beautiful moments in...
I have discovered that you learn a lot about who you are while you are dating. Dating is much more than it appears to be at face value. Dating really isn’t about whether someone likes you. This simple...
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was...
View of “Le Canigou” – the Pyrenees’ highest mountain – from my parents’ house, after a summer storm 3 August 2020 We have been on holiday now for a “fat” week...
Just like I always feel a twinge of glee on 21st December (we have reached the shortest and darkest 24-hour period in the Northern Hemisphere – yippee!), I also feel a twinge of sadness on 21st June...
Today, as I write, Sunday 10th May 2020, it is Mother’s Day in North America. And, closer to home, in Switzerland too. The day during which, in former times, people congratulate mothers on being mothers...
When he died, he was in the processing of teaching the boys how to do many of these tasks. Mike thought he had time. And, then time ran out. Death robbed us overnight. And, I find this ironic because Mike...
This is the sixth Mother’s day since Megan’s death. Shelby is now starting to actually outgrow her mother’s shoes, and she’s almost as tall at 13 as Megan was at 33. She looks like her. A...
For many years, I chose to exist safely. I needed to pause and reestablish my footing. And, thankfully, I did outgrow the comfort of the limitations I have created for myself. But, I will never forget...
As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted,...
In our community, “Grief Math” is common practice. We all do it. We keep track of dates. We mark dates. We “celebrate” dates. We honor our person on certain days. And, daily, we privately...
Sunshine and mild temperatures don’t mean that the worst is over...they simply mean that the weather that will floor you comes from the ground up.
My second Valentine’s without you. The first one was a fog. The second one I’m wide awake with full clarity to feel all the feelings. To say today is fine would be dishonest. Today is hard...
HAPPY WIDOWED VALENTINES DAY! Yes, it's that time again. Why don't they have cards that say "I love you, but you're dead", or "Kiss Me! No, wait, don't. You're dead and that's creepy." Or "I cuddle with...
I’m not qualifiably bipolar, but I swear I feel like I’m two people living distinctly different lives. If left on my own, supposing I had the money to do so, I’d park my rig, PinkMagic,...
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash One of the phrases that I hear, and that I use myself, in my still new, post-loss world, is “this life of after”. It’s a phrase that gets used a lot in the COVID...
There are qualities that I yearn to possess again. Things both tangible and otherwise. There are attributes both big and small that I miss about the woman I used to be. Namely, I miss her joy. ...
Talking to someone who has lost a loved one isn’t the easiest situation. Many people get anxious, some shut down, some unintentionally say the wrong thing. I try to remember that they are hoping to meet...
A metaphor that my counselor used once was the idea of going into the jungle and getting attacked by a tiger. And the next time you find yourself in a similar jungle, you are consumed by the fear of the...
The first year I felt angry when I saw older people living when Mike was not. I felt that it was unfair that so many old people were alive while my fiancé died before our wedding. I felt guilty about...
Almost three years ago, I flew home from a convention in Mexico. We had to fly around Hurricane Nate. I got home. Clayton and I prepped the apartment and planned to go to his mother’s house. He wasn’t...
I am writing this not just because I have not written for a few weeks. I am also writing it as a sort of apology.These last few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As a solo parent, entrepreneur...
I paused because, for the briefest of moments, Mike died all over again .
Once upon a time, Mike had stood in this very same room.
He used to take up space in the world.
And, he had a place...
People will often ask how I’m able to keep going after such difficulties losing my father and than my partner within 10 months of each other. Well here is the secret… I just keep trying. Yup that’s...
Supporting Chuck as he died. The hardest, most impossible, most unbearable thing I’ve ever done. It was my job, as it was for all of us who walked with our loved one as they lay dying, to make it...
Images from internet searches for Netflix’s “After Life” Sometime after Mike died – perhaps a matter of months – Megan came to me and said, “Muuuuum – my Netflix account isn’t...
Life is for the living.
Mike had his life.
And, now I need to focus on mine.
Only he died in 2016.
It would be a tragedy if I buried myself too.
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was...
Two years ago today, the light of my life went out. It was the day that Suzanne left this earthly realm and became universal energy. Today is the second anniversary of her death and at this very moment,...
When I think about our Wedding Anniversary I feel a bunch of nothing really. Where there should be joy and happiness there is just a huge void. Where there should be happy memories of "the best day...
Twenty five. Twenty-five years. Next week. We only made it twenty-three years, two weeks and one day. Suzanne died on August 19, 2018. Our 23rd anniversary was August 4, 2018. This was a photo we took...
Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash I spend a lot of my time reading about death, dying, and grieving, participating in webinars and holding space sessions with grief experts, people who’ve developed wise...
This past week we have been honouring and commemorating Julia. (And Mike. And Ed. And Don. Of course). Like we do every day. Of course. But particularly Julia this week. The first “deathiversary”...
Main Photo by Marc Wieland on Unsplash So there we have it. Here we are again. Time has rolled around. As it is wont to do. Dates might not have, but the sense, the weight of that Sunday night 52 weeks...
Hey bud, You know, there are a lot of coincidental similarities between you and I. I mean, even at age 6, I was fascinated by flight (spaceflight specifically, at the time), visiting Kennedy space...
Eight years ago today my world changed forever, suddenly, and in ways I couldn't have imagined...
Yesterday was our anniversary. Next week, the 8th anniversary of his death. That’s a day that a lot of people still remember. But yesterday… no one else really remembers...
Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be. But, this is much easier said than done. I don't know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost...
