Happy Anniversary, my love. Just a couple of kids who fell in love and were married just out of high school. Who knew we’d spend 51+ years together on this earth? A spark made it possible. The spark...
Photo by Jonny Gios – Coniston Water – on Unsplash I have been in the/my Motherland – England – these past days. It’s been wonderful. And it’s been weird. Though as I write, I have...
Tony was a man of many skills. He was a hunter, a carpenter, a BBQ smoker, a gardener, and sometimes a mechanic. With all these skills and hobbies comes a lot of material things. Our garage shelves and...
I’m happy to say that yesterday my boyfriend Devin and I got engaged! Yesterday I reached a new place in life that I have never been too before. Clayton and I never had the opportunity to get to this...
You are everywhere and yet nowhere. Sometimes, you are everywhere. I hear songs you love playing in restaurants and shops. I hear jokes that you would have told. At least weekly, I see silver Honda Civics...
The confluence of two celebratory occasions, Father’s Day, and my birthday, leaves me in a pensive mood today. As I have told you before, I have not fathered any children, a fact that is among my regrets...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l44_n60QQ8 I’ll be seeing you just yesterday you reminded me of your presence when a monarch butterfly came so close to me…flew into the garage and looked around….at...
Photo of Julia’s Stones my own My next ten days are packed (packed for me, anyway). Quite a bit of work in the coming days. A dinner out with new-to-me-friends of Medjool’s. Some travel...
One of the many ways in which I am different since Tony’s death is my ability and desire to be spontaneous, especially when it comes to travel. This last weekend I went back to the lake for a weekend...
Sometimes I want to look back a couple of years and reflect on where I was to help me see just how much I’ve grown. Day to day can sometimes feel like there’s no forward momentum but looking back over...
I remember sitting around my kitchen table in the days that followed Boris’s death and talking to my close circle about getting a tattoo in his memory. We chose a semicolon for suicide awareness...
I was married to Lee on June 12th, which was this past Sunday. Can I still say that June 12th is my anniversary? Or that June 12th was my anniversary? Should I say that June 12th would have been our...
Happy Anniversary, my love. Just a couple of kids who fell in love and were married just out of high school. Who knew we’d spend 51+ years together on this earth? A spark made it possible. The spark...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l44_n60QQ8 I’ll be seeing you just yesterday you reminded me of your presence when a monarch butterfly came so close to me…flew into the garage and looked around….at...
DEFINITION OF “TAKING STOCK” : to carefully think about something in order to make a decision about what to do next 1) We need to take stock of our life now and again. 2) She took stock of...
Of Liminal Space In that liminal space, between what we know and what we can’t imagine, we are remade. –ludwig.guru Standing in front of a closed door reminds me of mystery. What is behind...
An Underground River of Loneliness A yellow phone similar to this one – the wall version – hung in my kitchen for more than twenty years. In the age of invention, the wall model could be fitted...
BRAVERY What does it mean to be brave? Definition of bravery 1 : the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : the quality or state of being...
The Puzzle of Time Sitting at my desk, on May 17th (a Tuesday) at 8:48 pm Pacific Standard Time. The day flew by with little to count for it. Tomorrow we are mid-week as another week flies by. Time . ...
. . as you know, today is my birthday This is seventy. I’ll be back here after my whaling day. Hoping to see signs of you, but even if I do not . . . I know you are near. I know you are always...
The Funeral 1. Relief In thinking about having a funeral one year after my beloved husband died, many doubts arose. How could we gather friends and family after this much time passed? Would anyone come...
This weekend was a swirl of activities with soccer games, Easter and my oldest son turning 13. I didn’t have much time to look forward. So now it is Monday morning, and I am entering this week with trepidation...
We Were His Only Need He used to say that his heart would take him in the end, that husband of mine—the brave hearted man, father and mentor, friend to many; he used to say that we were all that...
FROM THE CAMP WIDOW EXPERIENCE A – ALLOWING myself to need help was harder to do than one might think. It allowed me to receive. B – BY the time I arrived at my second camp, it was not long...
I’m happy to say that yesterday my boyfriend Devin and I got engaged! Yesterday I reached a new place in life that I have never been too before. Clayton and I never had the opportunity to get to this...
I was married to Lee on June 12th, which was this past Sunday. Can I still say that June 12th is my anniversary? Or that June 12th was my anniversary? Should I say that June 12th would have been our...
Main image by Zygimantas Dukauskas on Unsplash Yesterday, 11th June, is the day that Medjool has named “La Journée du ‘Oui’” (“’Yes’ day”). It is the day when, three years ago, in 2019,...
Main image by Aron Visuals on Unsplash Italicised Section from Megan Devine: I was talking the other day about the realities of the second and third years of grief. We have this erroneous (and stupid)...
Each of us has a unique journey. Sometimes it can feel infinitely hard, sometimes infinitely lonely but I have found that the infinite space isn’t showing us how empty our lives are, it’s showing us...
Edward’s 53rd Birthday Comfortably run. No, not a typo. Simply a not particularly brilliant nod to Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”. I do indeed mean that I am comfortably run. By a 10 km road...
After this past Winter I have resolved that next year, I am getting out of Dodge. It is not merely the frequent snowstorms, or the relentless cold, or the shearing wind, or the constant overcast skies...
Main image by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash It’s not the kind of thing that we go around saying, is it? At least not the Brits. At least not most Western Europeans. And at least not on a regular, ongoing...
I haven’t had much downtime lately. Life is just moving at a very rapid pace and yesterday my body decided we were in desperate need of a red light and slammed on the brakes. I was at work feeling sluggish...
Image by Robin Lyon on Unsplash As I reflect on what to write about this weekend – which is what I do when nothing immediately springs out at me – it’s about how used I have become to having complexity...
Main image by Casey Horner on Unsplash. Other pictures my own, unless stated I don’t know why it is, but I have always felt I have disproportionately more Aries, Taurus and Gemini friends than from other...
Dear Bryan, I’m imagining today that I am able to write to you in our past to give you a glimmer of hope. Where you are at the start of this widowed journey is not where you are forever trapped. I’ll...
Happy Anniversary, my love. Just a couple of kids who fell in love and were married just out of high school. Who knew we’d spend 51+ years together on this earth? A spark made it possible. The spark...
Photos my own A few weeks ago, I was on a Swim Trek holiday in Mallorca, putting in some training for my “big swim” planned for the middle of July – crossing the Lac Léman/Lake Geneva at its widest...
Long weekends can be hard on us. While I love the time away from work and extra time with my kids, the hole in our lives is more readily evident. So, this weekend I accepted an invitation to stay with...
BRAVERY What does it mean to be brave? Definition of bravery 1 : the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : the quality or state of being...
Main image by Duy Pham on Unsplash I am coming to the end of a lovely short week’s holiday in Mallorca, taking part in an open water swimming camp, geared around being able to swim 10km in “event”...
This was my second Mother’s Day as a solo parent, and I found it didn’t have the same rawness as last year when I was weeks into mourning. I found myself able to smile more and enjoy our families...
Main image by Rowan Heuvel on Unsplash In English, when we miss our homeland, we say, “I feel homesick”. In French, when we miss our homeland, we say, “J’ai le mal du pays”. Close enough, but...
When you pick your wedding date, you never imagine that day could one day bring heartache. All the focus is on the celebration and the happy life you are building together. It never even crosses your mind...
I was going to start with an introduction post as my first post, but I think you’ll get to know me in time. Plus, I don’t think I can write a full-on intro post without it feeling like I’m writing...
I miss his smile. It was a gift he had share with me to hold in my memories. It’s been almost four years since I saw him smile in person. Sometimes I forget to remember those moments because he was so...
Socks. Check! Clean underwear. Check! Toothbrush. Check! Covid vaccination card. Check! I am looking over my king size bed, which at this moment is completely covered by a wide assortment of travel items,...
. . in the 2022 Lunar New Year The float makers in Singapore made a family of Tigers to represent the Year of the Tiger this year. That way all those born in the year of the Tiger are represented, no...
Photo by Jonny Gios – Coniston Water – on Unsplash I have been in the/my Motherland – England – these past days. It’s been wonderful. And it’s been weird. Though as I write, I have...
I’m happy to say that yesterday my boyfriend Devin and I got engaged! Yesterday I reached a new place in life that I have never been too before. Clayton and I never had the opportunity to get to this...
You are everywhere and yet nowhere. Sometimes, you are everywhere. I hear songs you love playing in restaurants and shops. I hear jokes that you would have told. At least weekly, I see silver Honda Civics...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l44_n60QQ8 I’ll be seeing you just yesterday you reminded me of your presence when a monarch butterfly came so close to me…flew into the garage and looked around….at...
One of the many ways in which I am different since Tony’s death is my ability and desire to be spontaneous, especially when it comes to travel. This last weekend I went back to the lake for a weekend...
DEFINITION OF “TAKING STOCK” : to carefully think about something in order to make a decision about what to do next 1) We need to take stock of our life now and again. 2) She took stock of...
Main image by Zygimantas Dukauskas on Unsplash Yesterday, 11th June, is the day that Medjool has named “La Journée du ‘Oui’” (“’Yes’ day”). It is the day when, three years ago, in 2019,...
For the most part I’m not angry at Tony for dying by suicide and I just do it all without too much complaint. However, one-night last week had me on edge and anxious about our lives without him. At 1:30am,...
There’s a heaviness of my grief that I haven’t talked much about and that grows closer to the end of watching someone die. You know it’s coming. You know it’s soon. For a long time you pray you...
Each of us has a unique journey. Sometimes it can feel infinitely hard, sometimes infinitely lonely but I have found that the infinite space isn’t showing us how empty our lives are, it’s showing us...
I saw this TikTok the other day that made me go: “YES” (it was one of those that I repost on Instagram because I do not fully understand TikTok). In case you don’t want to watch it, the...
An Underground River of Loneliness A yellow phone similar to this one – the wall version – hung in my kitchen for more than twenty years. In the age of invention, the wall model could be fitted...
Happy Anniversary, my love. Just a couple of kids who fell in love and were married just out of high school. Who knew we’d spend 51+ years together on this earth? A spark made it possible. The spark...
Photo of Julia’s Stones my own My next ten days are packed (packed for me, anyway). Quite a bit of work in the coming days. A dinner out with new-to-me-friends of Medjool’s. Some travel...
I was married to Lee on June 12th, which was this past Sunday. Can I still say that June 12th is my anniversary? Or that June 12th was my anniversary? Should I say that June 12th would have been our...
I booked the flight for Clayton’s funeral last night. It’s bothering me because a funeral isn’t supposed to be 4 years after someone passes. The celebration of life we had originally planned was...
Image by Robin Lyon on Unsplash As I reflect on what to write about this weekend – which is what I do when nothing immediately springs out at me – it’s about how used I have become to having complexity...
This week was the first anniversary of Tony’s death. Despite the strange time warp of grief, I have pulled us along into the second year. One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. I imagine the...
Main image by Angello Pro on Unsplash Today is not only Easter Day. It’s also our lovely Megan’s 21st birthday. Her sixth birthday without her father. Her 16th birthday was just nine days after her...
This weekend was a swirl of activities with soccer games, Easter and my oldest son turning 13. I didn’t have much time to look forward. So now it is Monday morning, and I am entering this week with trepidation...
The course of time is told by the passing of both soft and coarse sands. Some experiences feel gentle and powder fine while others sting and erode me in these whipping widowed winds. Five. How is it already...
We Were His Only Need He used to say that his heart would take him in the end, that husband of mine—the brave hearted man, father and mentor, friend to many; he used to say that we were all that...
My Sweet Mystery (*) Today is five years since you died. In that time, there have been so many difficult, painful, traumatic events. Exacerbating your not-here-ness. The things I would have to catch you...
When you pick your wedding date, you never imagine that day could one day bring heartache. All the focus is on the celebration and the happy life you are building together. It never even crosses your mind...
