New Posts

Empty

Empty

Photo by our own amazing Sarah Treanor (streanor.com) Empty. I am empty. I feel empty. Which one is it? Just empty. Running on Empty? No. Not even. A year ago I did a semi-marathon and it was at the end...

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Marry Me (Version 2020)

Marry Me (Version 2020)

Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be.  But, this is much easier said than done.  I don't know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost...

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Little Earthquakes

Little Earthquakes

I’ll admit his sudden absence after having been home 24/7 for the past few months definitely has the triggers talking. It’s as if the widow part of me is suddenly on high alert because a person is...

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Lost Belonging

Lost Belonging

When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed...

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Potential & Change

Potential & Change

I want you to know a few things. After Suzanne dies, you will feel like there is little potential of anything ever making your life any better. Did you know that you will be scared, hurting, very much...

Read More

The Oft Repeated Question~

The Oft Repeated Question~

Chuck wouldn’t want you to be sad.  Don’t you think Chuck would want you to be happy? We’ve all heard this inane statement. This inane question. It doesn’t always come from the...

Read More

New Love in the Time of COVID-19

New Love in the Time of COVID-19

Main image courtesy of Ruben Rojas, Street Artist, in Los Angeles How does a new relationship, even one that truly feels right, profound, rich, loving… how does it survive, how can it survive, in the...

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Addendum

Addendum

Now, at 3.6 years, change is no longer just something I think about.  It is something I NEED.  It has become a requirement.  I must action change because I am slowly dying here in suburbia.

I can...

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Survivor Superpowers

Survivor Superpowers

If there is one thing hardship can help us develop in ourselves, it is a resolve that no matter what life throws at us, we will not back down or be broken. We can decide that we will not stop believing...

Read More

One Stood Up Widow

One Stood Up Widow

Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a...

Read More

Dreams, Love and Gratitude

Dreams, Love and Gratitude

I wrote about unconditional love and gratitude some weeks ago, so you’re probably wondering why I’m writing about these things again. Well, I’m not writing specifically about those same topics as...

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Just…This…

Just…This…

I hope, someday, if it hasn’t already happened for you, that life allows you to experience the beautiful intimacy of fully entrusting your body, your heart, your soul, your very being, into the hands...

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Newly Widowed

Arriving in Community

Arriving in Community

Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles...

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Nightmares Now and Then

Nightmares Now and Then

I’ve had some really weird and disturbing dreams the past week. The sort of dreams that don’t really relate to anything in my actual life but have lots of very stressful or strange things going on...

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Understanding “Freedom”

Understanding “Freedom”

The Fourth of July - All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By...

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The Scariest Part of Surgery

The Scariest Part of Surgery

This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses...

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Defiantly Defined

Defiantly Defined

So this blog is a bit different than I usually write. This week I’ve been obsessed with terminology. Have you ever stopped for a minute and thought about words? Where did they come from? How they got...

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What Lies Within

What Lies Within

It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying: “I thought you said you were ok and...

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Baggage

Baggage

When I began my life without Mike 2.5 years ago, I felt like I landed in a foreign country and I could not speak the language.  There was a sense that I was standing helplessly in the baggage claims area. ...

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Call Me Anytime

Call Me Anytime

I watched the first episode of a new show on Netflix this morning called Dead to Me. In the episode, two women meet at a grief group, both widows. They end up building a new friendship as late night phone...

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Small Screen Surprises

Small Screen Surprises

I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company.  All of us are working a side business together with a...

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Things That Matter

Things That Matter

Since becoming an involentary widow almost 8 years ago, I have changed in many positive ways.  I am more empathetic.  I am more sympathetic.  I am less judgemental of people's lives and situations and...

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Please Sign and Date

Please Sign and Date

Well the past two weeks I have been absent from blog writing. The first anniversary of Tin’s passing was quickly approaching and I honestly was scared. Scared to think about it. Scared to talk about...

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The Changing of the Guards

The Changing of the Guards

I did it. Maybe I didn’t outwardly realize I was doing it but I did it. I ignored the rising flood.For the past week I have made myself more and more busy. I have extended myself to help others beyond...

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Soaring Spirits Interational

Soaring Spirits Interational

Soaring Spirits builds community. We create, and maintain, innovative peer-based grief support programs for widowed men and women that serve a worldwide population. Based on the powerful connections created by shared experience, we endeavor to ensure that no one need grieve alone.

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Little Earthquakes

Little Earthquakes

I’ll admit his sudden absence after having been home 24/7 for the past few months definitely has the triggers talking. It’s as if the widow part of me is suddenly on high alert because a person is...

Read More

New Love in the Time of COVID-19

New Love in the Time of COVID-19

Main image courtesy of Ruben Rojas, Street Artist, in Los Angeles How does a new relationship, even one that truly feels right, profound, rich, loving… how does it survive, how can it survive, in the...

Read More

Survivor Superpowers

Survivor Superpowers

If there is one thing hardship can help us develop in ourselves, it is a resolve that no matter what life throws at us, we will not back down or be broken. We can decide that we will not stop believing...

Read More

One Stood Up Widow

One Stood Up Widow

Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a...

Read More

Dreams, Love and Gratitude

Dreams, Love and Gratitude

I wrote about unconditional love and gratitude some weeks ago, so you’re probably wondering why I’m writing about these things again. Well, I’m not writing specifically about those same topics as...

Read More

Mothers’ Day

Mothers’ Day

This is the sixth Mother’s day since Megan’s death.  Shelby is now starting to actually outgrow her mother’s shoes, and she’s almost as tall at 13 as Megan was at 33.  She looks like her.  A...

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Threadbare

Threadbare

Image by Nick Fewings on Unsplash I am in a hard place. A fragile space. Hard and fragile. That sounds like “brittle”. That works too. The six weeks of “hard and fast and furious dates” between...

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Postponing Weddings, but not Love

Postponing Weddings, but not Love

If there is one thing widowhood has taught me, it's that love never ever goes anywhere. I love Drew the same as I ever have, and now I love Mike too. If the worst comes to my door again, if someone I love...

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Bittersweet

Bittersweet

Photo by Bannon Morrissy on Unsplash 24 April 2020 More stories of dates. And Dates. Sometimes I count a year as 52 weeks. Sometimes I count a year as 365 days. Or 366 days as the case may be. Sometimes...

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Messages from Mike

Messages from Mike

There seems to come a time in life for those of us who do not grow up with formal religion – and perhaps it’s triggered by loss and hardship, perhaps by age – where we search for meaning in losses...

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Acceptance

Acceptance

My awakening was the rationalization that Suzanne was truly gone. It didn’t actually take very long after she died. In fact, I woke up, bolt upright, in the middle of the night around a month after she...

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The Wrong Kind of Dates

The Wrong Kind of Dates

About a year ago, I ventured a little toe into the on-line dating waters. Everything about the idea was absurd, unfathomable, unimaginable. Before that, I’d had a couple of months where I bravely, if...

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Multiple Versions of Mother’s Day

Multiple Versions of Mother’s Day

Today, as I write, Sunday 10th May 2020, it is Mother’s Day in North America. And, closer to home, in Switzerland too. The day during which, in former times, people congratulate mothers on being mothers...

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Double Duty

Double Duty

When he died, he was in the processing of teaching the boys how to do many of these tasks. Mike thought he had time. And, then time ran out. Death robbed us overnight. And, I find this ironic because Mike...

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Mothers’ Day

Mothers’ Day

This is the sixth Mother’s day since Megan’s death.  Shelby is now starting to actually outgrow her mother’s shoes, and she’s almost as tall at 13 as Megan was at 33.  She looks like her.  A...

Read More

Hollow (Second edition)

Hollow (Second edition)

For many years, I chose to exist safely.  I needed to pause and reestablish my footing.  And, thankfully, I did outgrow the comfort of the limitations I have created for myself.  But, I will never forget...

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Nothing and Everything to Say

Nothing and Everything to Say

As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted,...

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I Forgot…

I Forgot…

In our community, “Grief Math” is common practice. We all do it.  We keep track of dates.  We mark dates. We “celebrate” dates. We honor our person on certain days. And, daily, we privately...

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Quagmire

Quagmire

Sunshine and mild temperatures don’t mean that the worst is over...they simply mean that the weather that will floor you comes from the ground up.

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Moving Forward….

Moving Forward….

My second Valentine’s without you. The first one was a fog. The second one I’m wide awake with full clarity to feel all the feelings. To say today is fine would be dishonest. Today is hard...

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Widowed Valentine’s Day

Widowed Valentine’s Day

HAPPY WIDOWED VALENTINES DAY! Yes, it's that time again. Why don't they have cards that say "I love you, but you're dead", or "Kiss Me! No, wait, don't. You're dead and that's creepy." Or "I cuddle with...

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Knowing Ahead

Knowing Ahead

The holiday season is over.  Starting in early November, every year, I begin pondering Megan’s death at an elevated rate, leading up to the anniversary of it.  With Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New...

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Farewell 2019 and Readers

Farewell 2019 and Readers

I am finally saying goodbye to another year without my Husband. For me, 2018 and 2019 have been the most difficult years of my life. As I close 2019, I want to let you all know that I will be no longer...

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Mixed Up Emotions

Mixed Up Emotions

I noticed Kelley Lynn put up a couple of lovely questions on her Facebook page in the run-up to Christmas. It went along the lines of:  Tell me, what/who are you missing? And if you’re joyful, then...

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Camp Widow®

Camp Widow®

Camp Widow® is a unique and incredible experience. This program provides both practical tools and relevant resources for widowed persons rebuilding their lives in the aftermath of the death of a spouse or partner.

More Info

Marry Me (Version 2020)

Marry Me (Version 2020)

Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be.  But, this is much easier said than done.  I don't know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost...

Read More

Lost Belonging

Lost Belonging

When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed...

Read More

Potential & Change

Potential & Change

I want you to know a few things. After Suzanne dies, you will feel like there is little potential of anything ever making your life any better. Did you know that you will be scared, hurting, very much...

Read More

The Oft Repeated Question~

The Oft Repeated Question~

Chuck wouldn’t want you to be sad.  Don’t you think Chuck would want you to be happy? We’ve all heard this inane statement. This inane question. It doesn’t always come from the...

Read More

Addendum

Addendum

Now, at 3.6 years, change is no longer just something I think about.  It is something I NEED.  It has become a requirement.  I must action change because I am slowly dying here in suburbia.

I can...

Read More

Survivor Superpowers

Survivor Superpowers

If there is one thing hardship can help us develop in ourselves, it is a resolve that no matter what life throws at us, we will not back down or be broken. We can decide that we will not stop believing...

Read More

One Stood Up Widow

One Stood Up Widow

Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a...

Read More

Dreams, Love and Gratitude

Dreams, Love and Gratitude

I wrote about unconditional love and gratitude some weeks ago, so you’re probably wondering why I’m writing about these things again. Well, I’m not writing specifically about those same topics as...

Read More

Just…This…

Just…This…

I hope, someday, if it hasn’t already happened for you, that life allows you to experience the beautiful intimacy of fully entrusting your body, your heart, your soul, your very being, into the hands...

Read More

Double Duty

Double Duty

When he died, he was in the processing of teaching the boys how to do many of these tasks. Mike thought he had time. And, then time ran out. Death robbed us overnight. And, I find this ironic because Mike...

Read More

Falling Backwards

Falling Backwards

Over the last week, I have been hit by several large waves of grief. Quite frankly, it sucks. It has been a long time since I have felt like this.

First, I want to talk about triggers and what I think...

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I am no longer the woman you loved…

I am no longer the woman you loved…

Everything is jumbled inside me.  My life has been muffled since you died.  My thoughts of you are so loud that they quiet everything else in my mind.  Tender thoughts of you hijack me from my own life. ...

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Marry Me (Version 2020)

Marry Me (Version 2020)

Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be.  But, this is much easier said than done.  I don't know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost...

Read More

Potential & Change

Potential & Change

I want you to know a few things. After Suzanne dies, you will feel like there is little potential of anything ever making your life any better. Did you know that you will be scared, hurting, very much...

Read More

Messages from Mike

Messages from Mike

There seems to come a time in life for those of us who do not grow up with formal religion – and perhaps it’s triggered by loss and hardship, perhaps by age – where we search for meaning in losses...

Read More

Softly Spoken~

Softly Spoken~

Stay with me, my beloved husband. Don’t leave me. I don’t want to be without you in this life. Words uttered only in my heart as my hand gently touched your forehead. As my hand glided over your cheekbones,...

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The Power of Your Name

The Power of Your Name

Dear Tin, It’s so hard to believe that this week makes the second year I’ve had to wake up without you. I don’t know how to describe how 2 years feels like already and forever ago at the same time...

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#Hashtag Widow~

#Hashtag Widow~

I blame most everything on #deadhusband.

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Nothing and Everything to Say

Nothing and Everything to Say

As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted,...

Read More

Anniversary Moments…

Anniversary Moments…

From all that was no longer, but from what was,
Rose...Love.
Love filled with grief and searing pain and a tightening in the chest and a heaviness of spirit and a world no longer recognizable.
But...Love...

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Please Pass the Salt

Please Pass the Salt

When I was younger I rarely said no to food. I liked almost everything except baked macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes. Absolutely hated it but it was my Dad’s favorite. “Do I have to eat this?”...

Read More

The Wrong Kind of Dates

The Wrong Kind of Dates

About a year ago, I ventured a little toe into the on-line dating waters. Everything about the idea was absurd, unfathomable, unimaginable. Before that, I’d had a couple of months where I bravely, if...

Read More

Season of Anger

Season of Anger

I try to stay pretty positive but I’m already furious at all of those people who are complaining they are going crazy being stuck at home with their spouses and their children. I understand how this...

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Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020

Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020

This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip.  The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has...

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The Widowed Resilience Scale

The Widowed Resilience Scale

Resilience is defined as the ability to ‘bounce back’ or recover from a traumatic life event or circumstance. According to the Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Scale widowhood rates as one of life’s most challenging experiences. This fact has driven the desire to study resilience in widowhood and identify the ways in which resilience can be built in men and women who have experienced conjugal loss.

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Featured Author

Meet this weeks Widow's Voice author.

Emma Pearson

Emma Pearson

My life is a whirling mix of swishy strands, dark and glowing brightly, rough and silky smooth – all attempting to be seen, felt and integrated at once. Here are some of my themes.

I am British

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