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15 More Sleeps…

15 More Sleeps…

Fifteen more sleeps in this house of mine and then I have the rest of my life somewhere else.

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Why, God?

Why, God?

I have been attending a weekly virtual community through my church for the past few months. This week I shared that I have been thinking a lot about spirituality and religion and how it is so intertwined...

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My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

I knew he was fading away faster and faster. I knew that Tin’s last day was soon but you don’t know until you know. We fit in frozen yogurt, going out to dinner, the beach and visiting the aquarium...

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My Why, Why, Why~

My Why, Why, Why~

Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will...

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Some Softer Dates

Some Softer Dates

All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...

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Hollow (third edition)

Hollow (third edition)

Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid.  In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”.  I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids.  On the outside,...

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Three Years.

Three Years.

April 7th marks 3 years since Boris died. 3 years since I have seen his face, heard his voice, or touched him. I honestly do not know how I survived the last 3 years. In the first few weeks and months,...

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The “Better Place”

The “Better Place”

“It’s so hard to lose someone but remember he’s in a…” I’ve always struggled with religion. I was raised Irish Catholic and being gay was not accepted the way it is more openly today. I’m...

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The Gift

The Gift

As soon as the calendar had turned from February to March, I started agonizing about preparing this post. This past March 30 Lee should have turned 67 but she died last July. I first toyed with the notion...

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The Miles Under Me~

The Miles Under Me~

I walked down 15 steps on that long ago day that was both yesterday and years ago, 3 weeks after your death. I carried my suitcases. Your suitcase. All the assorted bags carrying all our worldly belongings...

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Uncharted Territory

Uncharted Territory

Photos my own Yesterday I had my 54th birthday. An age Mike never made. He made 53 and 8 ½ months-ish. I was aware, to the date, 8th December 2020, when I became the age, to the actual day, that he died...

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Less is More

Less is More

My worldly possessions feel heavy.  They are housed in my home and chain me to a life that I no longer wish to participate in.  I don't give a shit about the stuff on my walls or the sofa across from...

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Newly Widowed

This Particular and Peculiar Sense of Non-being (Reboot)

This Particular and Peculiar Sense of Non-being (Reboot)

Alison is on the road this week and won’t have access to internet so we’ve chosen this post from 2017 to share with you until she returns next week.  Enjoy! There is a particular and peculiar...

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Arriving in Community

Arriving in Community

Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles...

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Nightmares Now and Then

Nightmares Now and Then

I’ve had some really weird and disturbing dreams the past week. The sort of dreams that don’t really relate to anything in my actual life but have lots of very stressful or strange things going on...

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Understanding “Freedom”

Understanding “Freedom”

The Fourth of July - All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By...

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The Scariest Part of Surgery

The Scariest Part of Surgery

This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses...

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Defiantly Defined

Defiantly Defined

So this blog is a bit different than I usually write. This week I’ve been obsessed with terminology. Have you ever stopped for a minute and thought about words? Where did they come from? How they got...

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What Lies Within

What Lies Within

It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying: “I thought you said you were ok and...

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Baggage

Baggage

When I began my life without Mike 2.5 years ago, I felt like I landed in a foreign country and I could not speak the language.  There was a sense that I was standing helplessly in the baggage claims area. ...

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Call Me Anytime

Call Me Anytime

I watched the first episode of a new show on Netflix this morning called Dead to Me. In the episode, two women meet at a grief group, both widows. They end up building a new friendship as late night phone...

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Small Screen Surprises

Small Screen Surprises

I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company.  All of us are working a side business together with a...

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Things That Matter

Things That Matter

Since becoming an involentary widow almost 8 years ago, I have changed in many positive ways.  I am more empathetic.  I am more sympathetic.  I am less judgemental of people's lives and situations and...

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Please Sign and Date

Please Sign and Date

Well the past two weeks I have been absent from blog writing. The first anniversary of Tin’s passing was quickly approaching and I honestly was scared. Scared to think about it. Scared to talk about...

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Soaring Spirits Interational

Soaring Spirits Interational

Soaring Spirits builds community. We create, and maintain, innovative peer-based grief support programs for widowed men and women that serve a worldwide population. Based on the powerful connections created by shared experience, we endeavor to ensure that no one need grieve alone.

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Uncharted Territory

Uncharted Territory

Photos my own Yesterday I had my 54th birthday. An age Mike never made. He made 53 and 8 ½ months-ish. I was aware, to the date, 8th December 2020, when I became the age, to the actual day, that he died...

Read More

Bachelor of Grief

Bachelor of Grief

I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death...

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Point/Counterpoint

Point/Counterpoint

From their photographs and by reading about their experiences, I deduce that I am far and away the oldest author currently writing on this blog. Recently, one of my fellow authors posted a poignant piece...

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Daily Reflections on Love – part one

Daily Reflections on Love – part one

Image by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash I have a daily gratitude writing practice that started at the beginning of 2020. Megan had given me a gratitude diary for Christmas in which it was suggested you write...

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Why her? Why him? Why now?

Why her? Why him? Why now?

Main image by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash Medjool has a precious childhood friend – let’s call him Yves – who is still very much a presence in his life today. To say that Yves is spiritually aware, spiritually...

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“There is No Remedy for Love but to Love More”

“There is No Remedy for Love but to Love More”

The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always...

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Hello Wall

Hello Wall

One of my favourite ever films is Shirley Valentine. It came out in 1989 when I was 22 and had already been in relationship with Mike for two years. I remember feeling so sure that I would not while my...

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A Date with Fate

A Date with Fate

...

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Countdown to Panic Mode

Countdown to Panic Mode

On September 26th of this year, I will turn 50 years old. This has been freaking me out for awhile now. Turning 50. For multiple reasons. First, there’s the whole “I’m older than my dead...

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A Wave of Fresh Green Grief Amidst the Snowy Whiteness

A Wave of Fresh Green Grief Amidst the Snowy Whiteness

Yesterday was a gloriously sunny day, brilliant and bright and fresh and sparkling after the recent snowfalls. Medjool and I had already decided that we would head up into the Jura for a cross-country...

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Are we ever really ready?

Are we ever really ready?

I love TV shows, movies, and books with widowed characters. I did not realize how many there were until I lost Boris. A few weeks ago I started watching The Unicorn. It is about a man who lost his wife...

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Worries and Whys

Worries and Whys

Growing up, I suffered from severe asthma, allergies, etc. It was common for me to take medication daily. I can recall the shear panic if my wheezing started and I couldn’t find my rescue inhaler. I...

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Some Softer Dates

Some Softer Dates

All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...

Read More

Hollow (third edition)

Hollow (third edition)

Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid.  In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”.  I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids.  On the outside,...

Read More

“There is No Remedy for Love but to Love More”

“There is No Remedy for Love but to Love More”

The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always...

Read More

Wid-OWED

Wid-OWED

Wid-OWED This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton...

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Wise and Kind Babes

Wise and Kind Babes

There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question...

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Shattered Christmases

Shattered Christmases

Weird shit happens at this time of year. Weird shit gets said at this time of year too. It feels like it is just a stream of obscene extremes. So many types of polarities and tensions, to hold and somehow...

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The Day After

The Day After

The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth...

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (for real)

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (for real)

For me, this Christmas, and always, I choose to focus on the LOVE and not the loss. This makes all the difference for me.

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Bitter, Bland and Forgotten Flavors

Bitter, Bland and Forgotten Flavors

This year has been nothing less than bipolar. Severe ups, downs, twists and turns I could never expect. Year 1 and 2, I could keep busy, keep moving and face the loss of Clayton when I wanted too. Now,...

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Present  (The update 2020)

Present (The update 2020)

I feel his absence in my psyche. Mike was my person and now I wander through life while part of my Soul is elsewhere. My goal is to become more present in my life. I want to hold steady here in the world...

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Season of Hope…

Season of Hope…

As my grief continues to evolve, I carefully consider who I am today.  And, I recognize and accept that both potential and lost possibilities coexist in me.  This duality is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. ...

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The Pain and Possibilities of “Yes”

The Pain and Possibilities of “Yes”

The first thing I learned to do when Clayton passed away was say “No”. I said no to getting out of bed, no to eating, no to showering, no to the gym. No was the safest place I could hide myself. Saying...

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Camp Widow®

Camp Widow®

Camp Widow® is a unique and incredible experience. This program provides both practical tools and relevant resources for widowed persons rebuilding their lives in the aftermath of the death of a spouse or partner.

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15 More Sleeps…

15 More Sleeps…

Fifteen more sleeps in this house of mine and then I have the rest of my life somewhere else.

Read More

Why, God?

Why, God?

I have been attending a weekly virtual community through my church for the past few months. This week I shared that I have been thinking a lot about spirituality and religion and how it is so intertwined...

Read More

My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

I knew he was fading away faster and faster. I knew that Tin’s last day was soon but you don’t know until you know. We fit in frozen yogurt, going out to dinner, the beach and visiting the aquarium...

Read More

My Why, Why, Why~

My Why, Why, Why~

Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will...

Read More

Some Softer Dates

Some Softer Dates

All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...

Read More

Hollow (third edition)

Hollow (third edition)

Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid.  In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”.  I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids.  On the outside,...

Read More

Three Years.

Three Years.

April 7th marks 3 years since Boris died. 3 years since I have seen his face, heard his voice, or touched him. I honestly do not know how I survived the last 3 years. In the first few weeks and months,...

Read More

The “Better Place”

The “Better Place”

“It’s so hard to lose someone but remember he’s in a…” I’ve always struggled with religion. I was raised Irish Catholic and being gay was not accepted the way it is more openly today. I’m...

Read More

The Miles Under Me~

The Miles Under Me~

I walked down 15 steps on that long ago day that was both yesterday and years ago, 3 weeks after your death. I carried my suitcases. Your suitcase. All the assorted bags carrying all our worldly belongings...

Read More

Less is More

Less is More

My worldly possessions feel heavy.  They are housed in my home and chain me to a life that I no longer wish to participate in.  I don't give a shit about the stuff on my walls or the sofa across from...

Read More

Social Anxieties

Social Anxieties

As COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations are less scary plus more and more people are getting vaccinated, it seems like there is finally hope for somewhat normalcy in the coming months. There is a sense...

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The Grief Keeper

The Grief Keeper

For almost 3 years, I have been writing each week. I missed a few here and there but that’s life. Year 1 was a fog. Year 2 was sharp realizations. Year 3, I finally accepted that Clayton was not coming...

Read More

My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

I knew he was fading away faster and faster. I knew that Tin’s last day was soon but you don’t know until you know. We fit in frozen yogurt, going out to dinner, the beach and visiting the aquarium...

Read More

Some Softer Dates

Some Softer Dates

All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...

Read More

Three Years.

Three Years.

April 7th marks 3 years since Boris died. 3 years since I have seen his face, heard his voice, or touched him. I honestly do not know how I survived the last 3 years. In the first few weeks and months,...

Read More

The Grief Keeper

The Grief Keeper

For almost 3 years, I have been writing each week. I missed a few here and there but that’s life. Year 1 was a fog. Year 2 was sharp realizations. Year 3, I finally accepted that Clayton was not coming...

Read More

Breaking Bad

Breaking Bad

Main image by Denis Oliveira on Unsplash Anyone who reads these blogposts and/or asks me how I am doing and waits for the pause while I run my eyes over their face, their ears over their voice, my brain’s...

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Bachelor of Grief

Bachelor of Grief

I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death...

Read More

Crumpling Face Like No Other

Crumpling Face Like No Other

Images of Geraldine Chaplin taken from “The Crown” on Netflix I continue to watch “The Crown”, at the rate of one or two episodes a week. I started in January and perhaps I will...

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Grief Gifts

Grief Gifts

One month away from the third anniversary of Clayton’s passing and some moments it feels like it was just yesterday. Each year has had its challenges and this year I’ve lost our cat Stallone. I’ve...

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The Escape Room

The Escape Room

Part of my widowed journey is getting the opportunity to get away from home. Staying in the apartment that Clayton and I both lived has its benefits and its challenges. He hung up the art and organized...

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Sad Season

Sad Season

It is the beginning of my “sad season”, as I call it. Boris’s birthday is March 10th and the anniversary of his death is April 7th. Things feel a bit different this year since we are still in a pandemic...

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Living my Story~

Living my Story~

In the end, all we own are our stories. These words were placed on the top of the page of Chuck’s memorial service program. They were echoes of a line from our favorite movie…Australia. Every...

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Yes, I know David Bowie died five years ago…

Yes, I know David Bowie died five years ago…

Main picture taken in 1973, perhaps 1974, when we had just moved to Brussels ….and so did my brother Edward. I also know that this is a blogsite for widows, and I am widowed. But in addition to losing...

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The Widowed Resilience Scale

The Widowed Resilience Scale

Resilience is defined as the ability to ‘bounce back’ or recover from a traumatic life event or circumstance. According to the Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Scale widowhood rates as one of life’s most challenging experiences. This fact has driven the desire to study resilience in widowhood and identify the ways in which resilience can be built in men and women who have experienced conjugal loss.

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Featured Author

Meet this weeks Widow's Voice author.

Emma Pearson

Emma Pearson

My life is a whirling mix of swishy strands, dark and glowing brightly, rough and silky smooth – all attempting to be seen, felt and integrated at once. Here are some of my themes.

I am British

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