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June 12th

June 12th

June 12 is the date on which Lee and I got married. This year, as June 12 approached, I felt a bit uncomfortable at the thought that June 12 is our anniversary since Lee would not be here with me to celebrate...

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FIRST STEPS

FIRST STEPS

Author’s Note: Thank you, Alison, for your warm welcome last week. You will be greatly missed here and I will join others in following you at  http://anodysseyoflove.com/ to keep up with your adventures...

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Discharging Guilt

Discharging Guilt

Main image by Callum Skelton on Unsplash One of Julia’s best friends, whose family asked me very directly, some six months after her death, never to contact them again, turned up unexpectedly at my door...

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Wanderlust Revisited

Wanderlust Revisited

I need to see new things.  And, also, see the same things – somewhere else. I need to stand on different street corners. And, walk roads that lead to new people and places. I need to breathe the...

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My Road to Return

My Road to Return

I have been having a near death experience. You know, where your life flashes in front of you, all the memories, sights, sounds and smells. That rewind reminder, which puts your whole past into a present...

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The Box (Part Two)

The Box (Part Two)

Lee kept her wedding box at the top of her closet, which I had been in the process of reclaiming from her when I found it. I say her wedding box because she was not keeping it for our mutual benefit. I...

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See You Down the Road~

See You Down the Road~

To all of you, My community here… To Michele Neff Hernandez, for responding to the email I sent her after reading a Widows Voice blog in my newsfeed and deciding that I wanted to be one of the weekly...

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Disappointed in the Spirit World

Disappointed in the Spirit World

Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash  I want to believe in the Spirit world. I want to believe and trust in Mediums. I do believe in the Spirit world. And I do believe and trust in Mediums. Mostly. And...

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Knock off Life

Knock off Life

The problem is, I have no idea what or who will help me feel this Soul fulfillment that I long for.  It has been 4.6 years since I have felt truly content and I do not know when a sense of peace will...

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Finding Change

Finding Change

I’ve written about finding coins before and there was a long time I didn’t find any. This week it seemed everywhere I turned there was a penny. I think I found 8 total and 3 in just one day. They go...

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Part of my story.

Part of my story.

In the year right after Boris died, I was a bit socially withdrawn–I mostly spent time one-on-one with people, rather than in groups. And all of the people I spent time with knew me very well and...

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The Box (Part 1)

The Box (Part 1)

It was inevitable that I would start to reclaim for myself spaces we used to share, but then I procrastinate or stop short of finishing the task. Yes, it’s true that within hours of Lee’s death, in...

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Newly Widowed

FIRST STEPS

FIRST STEPS

Author’s Note: Thank you, Alison, for your warm welcome last week. You will be greatly missed here and I will join others in following you at  http://anodysseyoflove.com/ to keep up with your adventures...

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The Box (Part Two)

The Box (Part Two)

Lee kept her wedding box at the top of her closet, which I had been in the process of reclaiming from her when I found it. I say her wedding box because she was not keeping it for our mutual benefit. I...

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Betwixt

Betwixt

With the approach of summer and a substantial number of folks now being fully vaccinated, my sense is that at long last life might be “normalizing,” even if the continued use of masks in some quarters...

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Untitled and Off the Cuff

Untitled and Off the Cuff

As many, if not most readers will know firsthand, grief shows up in myriad ways, often unexpectedly. I have been a widower for less than one year now, but already I have melted down driving home from the...

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This Particular and Peculiar Sense of Non-being (Reboot)

This Particular and Peculiar Sense of Non-being (Reboot)

Alison is on the road this week and won’t have access to internet so we’ve chosen this post from 2017 to share with you until she returns next week.  Enjoy! There is a particular and peculiar...

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Arriving in Community

Arriving in Community

Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles...

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Nightmares Now and Then

Nightmares Now and Then

I’ve had some really weird and disturbing dreams the past week. The sort of dreams that don’t really relate to anything in my actual life but have lots of very stressful or strange things going on...

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Understanding “Freedom”

Understanding “Freedom”

The Fourth of July - All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By...

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The Scariest Part of Surgery

The Scariest Part of Surgery

This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses...

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Defiantly Defined

Defiantly Defined

So this blog is a bit different than I usually write. This week I’ve been obsessed with terminology. Have you ever stopped for a minute and thought about words? Where did they come from? How they got...

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What Lies Within

What Lies Within

It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying: “I thought you said you were ok and...

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Baggage

Baggage

When I began my life without Mike 2.5 years ago, I felt like I landed in a foreign country and I could not speak the language.  There was a sense that I was standing helplessly in the baggage claims area. ...

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Soaring Spirits Interational

Soaring Spirits Interational

Soaring Spirits builds community. We create, and maintain, innovative peer-based grief support programs for widowed men and women that serve a worldwide population. Based on the powerful connections created by shared experience, we endeavor to ensure that no one need grieve alone.

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Discharging Guilt

Discharging Guilt

Main image by Callum Skelton on Unsplash One of Julia’s best friends, whose family asked me very directly, some six months after her death, never to contact them again, turned up unexpectedly at my door...

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Navigating New Terrain

Navigating New Terrain

Photos my own I just re-read last week’s post to see if I had mentioned “Orienteering” and saw that – oddly – I hadn’t. However it was a feature underlying that piece of writing. Orienteering...

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On Life as Mayonnaise

On Life as Mayonnaise

Image by Daniel Costa on Unsplash This isn’t a “deep” piece … just some in-the-moment noodlings, metaphors and wonderings. Sometimes people talk of “not being able to turn mayonnaise back into...

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My Partner is Widowed – so what does that mean for our relationship?

My Partner is Widowed – so what does that mean for our relationship?

Image by Sarah Treanor, fellow widbud, on www.streanor.com My name is Neil, aka “Medjool”. As of June 2019, I have been fortunate enough to have entered the life and heart of Emma, who keeps this blogsite...

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Uncharted Territory

Uncharted Territory

Photos my own Yesterday I had my 54th birthday. An age Mike never made. He made 53 and 8 ½ months-ish. I was aware, to the date, 8th December 2020, when I became the age, to the actual day, that he died...

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Bachelor of Grief

Bachelor of Grief

I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death...

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Point/Counterpoint

Point/Counterpoint

From their photographs and by reading about their experiences, I deduce that I am far and away the oldest author currently writing on this blog. Recently, one of my fellow authors posted a poignant piece...

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Daily Reflections on Love – part one

Daily Reflections on Love – part one

Image by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash I have a daily gratitude writing practice that started at the beginning of 2020. Megan had given me a gratitude diary for Christmas in which it was suggested you write...

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Why her? Why him? Why now?

Why her? Why him? Why now?

Main image by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash Medjool has a precious childhood friend – let’s call him Yves – who is still very much a presence in his life today. To say that Yves is spiritually aware, spiritually...

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“There is No Remedy for Love but to Love More”

“There is No Remedy for Love but to Love More”

The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always...

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Hello Wall

Hello Wall

One of my favourite ever films is Shirley Valentine. It came out in 1989 when I was 22 and had already been in relationship with Mike for two years. I remember feeling so sure that I would not while my...

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A Date with Fate

A Date with Fate

...

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Some Softer Dates

Some Softer Dates

All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...

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Hollow (third edition)

Hollow (third edition)

Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid.  In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”.  I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids.  On the outside,...

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“There is No Remedy for Love but to Love More”

“There is No Remedy for Love but to Love More”

The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always...

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Wid-OWED

Wid-OWED

Wid-OWED This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton...

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Wise and Kind Babes

Wise and Kind Babes

There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question...

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Shattered Christmases

Shattered Christmases

Weird shit happens at this time of year. Weird shit gets said at this time of year too. It feels like it is just a stream of obscene extremes. So many types of polarities and tensions, to hold and somehow...

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The Day After

The Day After

The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth...

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (for real)

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (for real)

For me, this Christmas, and always, I choose to focus on the LOVE and not the loss. This makes all the difference for me.

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Bitter, Bland and Forgotten Flavors

Bitter, Bland and Forgotten Flavors

This year has been nothing less than bipolar. Severe ups, downs, twists and turns I could never expect. Year 1 and 2, I could keep busy, keep moving and face the loss of Clayton when I wanted too. Now,...

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Present  (The update 2020)

Present (The update 2020)

I feel his absence in my psyche. Mike was my person and now I wander through life while part of my Soul is elsewhere. My goal is to become more present in my life. I want to hold steady here in the world...

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Season of Hope…

Season of Hope…

As my grief continues to evolve, I carefully consider who I am today.  And, I recognize and accept that both potential and lost possibilities coexist in me.  This duality is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. ...

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The Pain and Possibilities of “Yes”

The Pain and Possibilities of “Yes”

The first thing I learned to do when Clayton passed away was say “No”. I said no to getting out of bed, no to eating, no to showering, no to the gym. No was the safest place I could hide myself. Saying...

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Camp Widow®

Camp Widow®

Camp Widow® is a unique and incredible experience. This program provides both practical tools and relevant resources for widowed persons rebuilding their lives in the aftermath of the death of a spouse or partner.

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FIRST STEPS

FIRST STEPS

Author’s Note: Thank you, Alison, for your warm welcome last week. You will be greatly missed here and I will join others in following you at  http://anodysseyoflove.com/ to keep up with your adventures...

Read More

Wanderlust Revisited

Wanderlust Revisited

I need to see new things.  And, also, see the same things – somewhere else. I need to stand on different street corners. And, walk roads that lead to new people and places. I need to breathe the...

Read More

My Road to Return

My Road to Return

I have been having a near death experience. You know, where your life flashes in front of you, all the memories, sights, sounds and smells. That rewind reminder, which puts your whole past into a present...

Read More

Knock off Life

Knock off Life

The problem is, I have no idea what or who will help me feel this Soul fulfillment that I long for.  It has been 4.6 years since I have felt truly content and I do not know when a sense of peace will...

Read More

Finding Change

Finding Change

I’ve written about finding coins before and there was a long time I didn’t find any. This week it seemed everywhere I turned there was a penny. I think I found 8 total and 3 in just one day. They go...

Read More

Part of my story.

Part of my story.

In the year right after Boris died, I was a bit socially withdrawn–I mostly spent time one-on-one with people, rather than in groups. And all of the people I spent time with knew me very well and...

Read More

Navigating New Terrain

Navigating New Terrain

Photos my own I just re-read last week’s post to see if I had mentioned “Orienteering” and saw that – oddly – I hadn’t. However it was a feature underlying that piece of writing. Orienteering...

Read More

Strongish (again)

Strongish (again)

As the days rolled into weeks, and then became months,  strong continued to mean different things.  Things that I never previously associated with being strong.  

I learned that strong means laying...

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Toxic Perception

Toxic Perception

Bryan, what does growing through grief look like for you? I appreciate this question because it gives me an opportunity to share that my life looks very different each day. Overtime, my weeks and months...

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I miss having a person.

I miss having a person.

I miss having a partner. A best friend who you can be your complete self around. A “go-to” person. The one you cannot wait to tell the gossip to. Or the big news–bad and good. The person that...

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The Smallest of Gestures

The Smallest of Gestures

Images are my own creations This past week has been abominably hard. Violently hard. Or should I say, this past week has had some abominably and violently hard moments, minutes and hours in it. Yes. That’s...

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Marry Me (2021 edition)

Marry Me (2021 edition)

On May 25, 2016,  he asked me to marry him. Then, he died before our wedding day. In 2018 when I originally wrote this, I sat re-reading those two sentences again and again and again.  I just couldn’t...

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June 12th

June 12th

June 12 is the date on which Lee and I got married. This year, as June 12 approached, I felt a bit uncomfortable at the thought that June 12 is our anniversary since Lee would not be here with me to celebrate...

Read More

Marry Me (2021 edition)

Marry Me (2021 edition)

On May 25, 2016,  he asked me to marry him. Then, he died before our wedding day. In 2018 when I originally wrote this, I sat re-reading those two sentences again and again and again.  I just couldn’t...

Read More

Heartbreak Hangover

Heartbreak Hangover

Last week took me on an exhausting emotional tour. The week before being widowed hits me harder than any single memory or special day. The emotional stress is heightened to such a level that when it starts...

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An Odyssey of Love~

An Odyssey of Love~

Once upon a time… A man stole my heart Right out of my chest. It’s ok that he stole it, Because he gave me his in return. He held my heart so carefully with his two hands. This man, dressed...

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The Grief Tour

The Grief Tour

This week, my week before widowed, I took a trip off the main path of my journey and doubled back to the places I saw you last. My head said “yes” but my heart said “no don’t go”. It’s been...

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My Recipe. I Don’t Have One~

My Recipe. I Don’t Have One~

As I approach the 8 year mark, That will always be 7 years for me, Because how can I bear to count further the years you are missing from me? I have no secret recipe, no sweet story of how I got from there…...

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My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

I knew he was fading away faster and faster. I knew that Tin’s last day was soon but you don’t know until you know. We fit in frozen yogurt, going out to dinner, the beach and visiting the aquarium...

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Some Softer Dates

Some Softer Dates

All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...

Read More

Three Years.

Three Years.

April 7th marks 3 years since Boris died. 3 years since I have seen his face, heard his voice, or touched him. I honestly do not know how I survived the last 3 years. In the first few weeks and months,...

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The Grief Keeper

The Grief Keeper

For almost 3 years, I have been writing each week. I missed a few here and there but that’s life. Year 1 was a fog. Year 2 was sharp realizations. Year 3, I finally accepted that Clayton was not coming...

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Breaking Bad

Breaking Bad

Main image by Denis Oliveira on Unsplash Anyone who reads these blogposts and/or asks me how I am doing and waits for the pause while I run my eyes over their face, their ears over their voice, my brain’s...

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Bachelor of Grief

Bachelor of Grief

I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death...

Read More

The Widowed Resilience Scale

The Widowed Resilience Scale

Resilience is defined as the ability to ‘bounce back’ or recover from a traumatic life event or circumstance. According to the Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Scale widowhood rates as one of life’s most challenging experiences. This fact has driven the desire to study resilience in widowhood and identify the ways in which resilience can be built in men and women who have experienced conjugal loss.

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Featured Author

Meet this weeks Widow's Voice author.

Emma Pearson

Emma Pearson

My life is a whirling mix of swishy strands, dark and glowing brightly, rough and silky smooth – all attempting to be seen, felt and integrated at once. Here are some of my themes.

I am British

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