As I said last week, I am open to change in my life. I am going to start by working fewer hours as an attorney and expect this may open doors to new activities and people. After just one week, it’s still...
Remember that old song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover? A song that carries a very different meaning from when your Lover leaves you at the end of his/her life. I’m thinking of all the goodbyes I’ve...
Photo by Tolka Ulkan on Unsplash Today is a stay-in-bed-day I am feeling weepy I am feeling bereft I am missing my old life I am missing my dead loves I am missing my alive loves The dog and cat were with...
I have been homeless since April 27th when I moved from my house. I should feel out of sorts and unsettled; but, really, I don't feel much different than usual. I guess over the last 4.5 years I have...
This week hit hard in a way I never expected. My Instagram account was hacked and a social media storm ensued. I started to get notifications from Instagram and friends that something was strange. I was...
For the past few weeks, I’ve been away from this blog to serve as the lead counsel for a team of defense lawyers in the first federal civil jury trial to take place in our District since the pandemic...
Life in the after is strange and weird and ill-fitting . What once was no longer is. Our physical world changes as intensely as our emotional world after our person dies. Even if our surroundings are the...
Main photo by Marcus Ganahl on Unsplash I am reading and/or listening to two startlingly wonderful books at the moment. Both make me sob and cry; my throat constricts, my shoulders slump and shake. Reading...
When I finally chose to breathe life back into myself I recognized that I had the power, potential and capability to “BE” whoever I wanted. And, realizing this has made all the difference for me.
The...
My parents are moving this coming weekend and it’s brought up some grief thoughts (of course!). I have been thinking about how Boris will never know their new house. But, then I realized that he...
Last week took me on an exhausting emotional tour. The week before being widowed hits me harder than any single memory or special day. The emotional stress is heightened to such a level that when it starts...
Once upon a time… A man stole my heart Right out of my chest. It’s ok that he stole it, Because he gave me his in return. He held my heart so carefully with his two hands. This man, dressed...
Alison is on the road this week and won’t have access to internet so we’ve chosen this post from 2017 to share with you until she returns next week. Enjoy! There is a particular and peculiar...
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles...
I’ve had some really weird and disturbing dreams the past week. The sort of dreams that don’t really relate to anything in my actual life but have lots of very stressful or strange things going on...
The Fourth of July - All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By...
This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses...
So this blog is a bit different than I usually write. This week I’ve been obsessed with terminology. Have you ever stopped for a minute and thought about words? Where did they come from? How they got...
It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying: “I thought you said you were ok and...
When I began my life without Mike 2.5 years ago, I felt like I landed in a foreign country and I could not speak the language. There was a sense that I was standing helplessly in the baggage claims area. ...
I watched the first episode of a new show on Netflix this morning called Dead to Me. In the episode, two women meet at a grief group, both widows. They end up building a new friendship as late night phone...
I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company. All of us are working a side business together with a...
Since becoming an involentary widow almost 8 years ago, I have changed in many positive ways. I am more empathetic. I am more sympathetic. I am less judgemental of people's lives and situations and...
Well the past two weeks I have been absent from blog writing. The first anniversary of Tin’s passing was quickly approaching and I honestly was scared. Scared to think about it. Scared to talk about...
Image by Sarah Treanor, fellow widbud, on www.streanor.com My name is Neil, aka “Medjool”. As of June 2019, I have been fortunate enough to have entered the life and heart of Emma, who keeps this blogsite...
Photos my own Yesterday I had my 54th birthday. An age Mike never made. He made 53 and 8 ½ months-ish. I was aware, to the date, 8th December 2020, when I became the age, to the actual day, that he died...
I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death...
From their photographs and by reading about their experiences, I deduce that I am far and away the oldest author currently writing on this blog. Recently, one of my fellow authors posted a poignant piece...
Image by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash I have a daily gratitude writing practice that started at the beginning of 2020. Megan had given me a gratitude diary for Christmas in which it was suggested you write...
Main image by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash Medjool has a precious childhood friend – let’s call him Yves – who is still very much a presence in his life today. To say that Yves is spiritually aware, spiritually...
The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always...
One of my favourite ever films is Shirley Valentine. It came out in 1989 when I was 22 and had already been in relationship with Mike for two years. I remember feeling so sure that I would not while my...
On September 26th of this year, I will turn 50 years old. This has been freaking me out for awhile now. Turning 50. For multiple reasons. First, there’s the whole “I’m older than my dead...
Yesterday was a gloriously sunny day, brilliant and bright and fresh and sparkling after the recent snowfalls. Medjool and I had already decided that we would head up into the Jura for a cross-country...
I love TV shows, movies, and books with widowed characters. I did not realize how many there were until I lost Boris. A few weeks ago I started watching The Unicorn. It is about a man who lost his wife...
All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...
Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid. In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”. I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids. On the outside,...
The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always...
Wid-OWED This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton...
There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question...
Weird shit happens at this time of year. Weird shit gets said at this time of year too. It feels like it is just a stream of obscene extremes. So many types of polarities and tensions, to hold and somehow...
The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth...
For me, this Christmas, and always, I choose to focus on the LOVE and not the loss. This makes all the difference for me.
This year has been nothing less than bipolar. Severe ups, downs, twists and turns I could never expect. Year 1 and 2, I could keep busy, keep moving and face the loss of Clayton when I wanted too. Now,...
I feel his absence in my psyche. Mike was my person and now I wander through life while part of my Soul is elsewhere. My goal is to become more present in my life. I want to hold steady here in the world...
As my grief continues to evolve, I carefully consider who I am today. And, I recognize and accept that both potential and lost possibilities coexist in me. This duality is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. ...
The first thing I learned to do when Clayton passed away was say “No”. I said no to getting out of bed, no to eating, no to showering, no to the gym. No was the safest place I could hide myself. Saying...
Remember that old song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover? A song that carries a very different meaning from when your Lover leaves you at the end of his/her life. I’m thinking of all the goodbyes I’ve...
Photo by Tolka Ulkan on Unsplash Today is a stay-in-bed-day I am feeling weepy I am feeling bereft I am missing my old life I am missing my dead loves I am missing my alive loves The dog and cat were with...
I have been homeless since April 27th when I moved from my house. I should feel out of sorts and unsettled; but, really, I don't feel much different than usual. I guess over the last 4.5 years I have...
This week hit hard in a way I never expected. My Instagram account was hacked and a social media storm ensued. I started to get notifications from Instagram and friends that something was strange. I was...
Life in the after is strange and weird and ill-fitting . What once was no longer is. Our physical world changes as intensely as our emotional world after our person dies. Even if our surroundings are the...
When I finally chose to breathe life back into myself I recognized that I had the power, potential and capability to “BE” whoever I wanted. And, realizing this has made all the difference for me.
The...
My parents are moving this coming weekend and it’s brought up some grief thoughts (of course!). I have been thinking about how Boris will never know their new house. But, then I realized that he...
Last week took me on an exhausting emotional tour. The week before being widowed hits me harder than any single memory or special day. The emotional stress is heightened to such a level that when it starts...
Once upon a time… A man stole my heart Right out of my chest. It’s ok that he stole it, Because he gave me his in return. He held my heart so carefully with his two hands. This man, dressed...
Photo by Simon Berger on Unsplash Sometime around the age of 5, children learn that things and people die. Of course, some very young kids learn this earlier, through the tragedy of a close human death...
Grief can be so predictable at times. Birthdays, anniversaries, visiting a special place, milestones, or reading an old card–I can prepare for those. I know those will be tough. Sometimes more than...
This week, my week before widowed, I took a trip off the main path of my journey and doubled back to the places I saw you last. My head said “yes” but my heart said “no don’t go”. It’s been...
Last week took me on an exhausting emotional tour. The week before being widowed hits me harder than any single memory or special day. The emotional stress is heightened to such a level that when it starts...
Once upon a time… A man stole my heart Right out of my chest. It’s ok that he stole it, Because he gave me his in return. He held my heart so carefully with his two hands. This man, dressed...
This week, my week before widowed, I took a trip off the main path of my journey and doubled back to the places I saw you last. My head said “yes” but my heart said “no don’t go”. It’s been...
As I approach the 8 year mark, That will always be 7 years for me, Because how can I bear to count further the years you are missing from me? I have no secret recipe, no sweet story of how I got from there…...
I knew he was fading away faster and faster. I knew that Tin’s last day was soon but you don’t know until you know. We fit in frozen yogurt, going out to dinner, the beach and visiting the aquarium...
All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...
April 7th marks 3 years since Boris died. 3 years since I have seen his face, heard his voice, or touched him. I honestly do not know how I survived the last 3 years. In the first few weeks and months,...
For almost 3 years, I have been writing each week. I missed a few here and there but that’s life. Year 1 was a fog. Year 2 was sharp realizations. Year 3, I finally accepted that Clayton was not coming...
Main image by Denis Oliveira on Unsplash Anyone who reads these blogposts and/or asks me how I am doing and waits for the pause while I run my eyes over their face, their ears over their voice, my brain’s...
I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death...
Images of Geraldine Chaplin taken from “The Crown” on Netflix I continue to watch “The Crown”, at the rate of one or two episodes a week. I started in January and perhaps I will...
One month away from the third anniversary of Clayton’s passing and some moments it feels like it was just yesterday. Each year has had its challenges and this year I’ve lost our cat Stallone. I’ve...
