I booked the flight for Clayton’s funeral last night. It’s bothering me because a funeral isn’t supposed to be 4 years after someone passes. The celebration of life we had originally planned was...
Summer solstice. Winter solstice. The longest and shortest days of the year in the northern hemisphere. When I imagine the four seasons, I often will envision the face of a round clock, Summer...
BRAVERY What does it mean to be brave? Definition of bravery 1 : the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : the quality or state of being...
Edward’s 53rd Birthday Comfortably run. No, not a typo. Simply a not particularly brilliant nod to Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”. I do indeed mean that I am comfortably run. By a 10 km road...
As an adult, I have always been an avid reader. I started a book club in 2012 that met monthly for a solid 7 years. My friends would tease me that any books they picked I’d already read. This was always...
I’ve brought up some of the ins and outs of being a care-griever. I can’t speak to the emotions that come with sudden loss but I can speak about the experience watching someone you love slowly fade...
**This post contains discussion of suicide and seeking mental health treatment for suicidal ideation. Some background: before Boris died by suicide, he was hospitalized three different times. Two times...
After this past Winter I have resolved that next year, I am getting out of Dodge. It is not merely the frequent snowstorms, or the relentless cold, or the shearing wind, or the constant overcast skies...
The Puzzle of Time Sitting at my desk, on May 17th (a Tuesday) at 8:48 pm Pacific Standard Time. The day flew by with little to count for it. Tomorrow we are mid-week as another week flies by. Time . ...
Main image by Duy Pham on Unsplash I am coming to the end of a lovely short week’s holiday in Mallorca, taking part in an open water swimming camp, geared around being able to swim 10km in “event”...
This week I was reminded of just how stubborn I can be. On Thursday, May 5th, I stepped wrong on an uneven sidewalk and went down hard, presumably twisting my ankle. No one saw it and I sat there a good...
I think it is important to continue to evaluate your emotions as you travel further forward into the future leaving behind that milestone marked as your new start – AL (After Loss). We categorize...
BRAVERY What does it mean to be brave? Definition of bravery 1 : the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : the quality or state of being...
The Puzzle of Time Sitting at my desk, on May 17th (a Tuesday) at 8:48 pm Pacific Standard Time. The day flew by with little to count for it. Tomorrow we are mid-week as another week flies by. Time . ...
. . as you know, today is my birthday This is seventy. I’ll be back here after my whaling day. Hoping to see signs of you, but even if I do not . . . I know you are near. I know you are always...
The Funeral 1. Relief In thinking about having a funeral one year after my beloved husband died, many doubts arose. How could we gather friends and family after this much time passed? Would anyone come...
This weekend was a swirl of activities with soccer games, Easter and my oldest son turning 13. I didn’t have much time to look forward. So now it is Monday morning, and I am entering this week with trepidation...
We Were His Only Need He used to say that his heart would take him in the end, that husband of mine—the brave hearted man, father and mentor, friend to many; he used to say that we were all that...
FROM THE CAMP WIDOW EXPERIENCE A – ALLOWING myself to need help was harder to do than one might think. It allowed me to receive. B – BY the time I arrived at my second camp, it was not long...
This week I turned the calendar to April and that means I’m facing a list of lasts we shared with Tony. The last time his closest friend came over to share a whiskey. The last Friday night steak...
I went back into my office this week for a meeting and to work for a few hours. It was the first time I have been in the building to do actual work since March 12, 2020. In early 2021, I did go in to pack...
. . side by side: Camp Widow! It is freeing to be in a space where your sadness is welcome—embraced!—and joy sneaks past all the barriers we have created to keep it away. This is Camp Widow...
When you pick your wedding date, you never imagine that day could one day bring heartache. All the focus is on the celebration and the happy life you are building together. It never even crosses your mind...
Soaring Spirits Bloggers . . . and YOU! Recently I read Widow’s Voice blogger Stacy Sulin’s sweet farewell blog and felt guilty when I read that for the past five years she wrote the blog every...
Edward’s 53rd Birthday Comfortably run. No, not a typo. Simply a not particularly brilliant nod to Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”. I do indeed mean that I am comfortably run. By a 10 km road...
After this past Winter I have resolved that next year, I am getting out of Dodge. It is not merely the frequent snowstorms, or the relentless cold, or the shearing wind, or the constant overcast skies...
Main image by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash It’s not the kind of thing that we go around saying, is it? At least not the Brits. At least not most Western Europeans. And at least not on a regular, ongoing...
I haven’t had much downtime lately. Life is just moving at a very rapid pace and yesterday my body decided we were in desperate need of a red light and slammed on the brakes. I was at work feeling sluggish...
Image by Robin Lyon on Unsplash As I reflect on what to write about this weekend – which is what I do when nothing immediately springs out at me – it’s about how used I have become to having complexity...
Main image by Casey Horner on Unsplash. Other pictures my own, unless stated I don’t know why it is, but I have always felt I have disproportionately more Aries, Taurus and Gemini friends than from other...
Dear Bryan, I’m imagining today that I am able to write to you in our past to give you a glimmer of hope. Where you are at the start of this widowed journey is not where you are forever trapped. I’ll...
Main image by Angello Pro on Unsplash Today is not only Easter Day. It’s also our lovely Megan’s 21st birthday. Her sixth birthday without her father. Her 16th birthday was just nine days after her...
Image by Kyle Head on Unsplash One of the independent cinemas I go to has a wonderful range of premieres, at which any combination of the film director, producer, key actors, etc, are present afterwards...
The thing about a grief journey is that it’s never over. Every step you take onward and upward holds an emotional echo. Some days it’s constantly ringing in your ear and other times it a distant whisper...
Robyn and I had landed home following our recent trip to Kauai, Hawaii, and I was on the train to the central city where I live. My mind was still flashing to tropical images, but these were images of...
I eagerly read the weekly postings of my fellow authors on this site. In the past week, for example, one writer bid a hopeful adieu to her readers, announcing that she is ready to resume living forward;...
BRAVERY What does it mean to be brave? Definition of bravery 1 : the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : the quality or state of being...
Main image by Duy Pham on Unsplash I am coming to the end of a lovely short week’s holiday in Mallorca, taking part in an open water swimming camp, geared around being able to swim 10km in “event”...
This was my second Mother’s Day as a solo parent, and I found it didn’t have the same rawness as last year when I was weeks into mourning. I found myself able to smile more and enjoy our families...
Main image by Rowan Heuvel on Unsplash In English, when we miss our homeland, we say, “I feel homesick”. In French, when we miss our homeland, we say, “J’ai le mal du pays”. Close enough, but...
When you pick your wedding date, you never imagine that day could one day bring heartache. All the focus is on the celebration and the happy life you are building together. It never even crosses your mind...
I was going to start with an introduction post as my first post, but I think you’ll get to know me in time. Plus, I don’t think I can write a full-on intro post without it feeling like I’m writing...
I miss his smile. It was a gift he had share with me to hold in my memories. It’s been almost four years since I saw him smile in person. Sometimes I forget to remember those moments because he was so...
Socks. Check! Clean underwear. Check! Toothbrush. Check! Covid vaccination card. Check! I am looking over my king size bed, which at this moment is completely covered by a wide assortment of travel items,...
. . in the 2022 Lunar New Year The float makers in Singapore made a family of Tigers to represent the Year of the Tiger this year. That way all those born in the year of the Tiger are represented, no...
Photos my own these past days So Christmas and New Year have been okay. Better than okay. Moments that were really hard, of course; but more moments that have been really enjoyable. Ben and Megan came...
Well, somehow tomorrow marks a new year. If I am being honest, I do not feel cheery or happy with the ring of the new year. I feel like 2021 was just a year of surviving and getting by. My dad’s...
I celebrated Thanksgiving with Robyn and her brood, but assured Lee’s brother, Paul, that I would be celebrating Christmas with him and his family. Neither Robyn nor I celebrate Christmas as a matter...
I booked the flight for Clayton’s funeral last night. It’s bothering me because a funeral isn’t supposed to be 4 years after someone passes. The celebration of life we had originally planned was...
Summer solstice. Winter solstice. The longest and shortest days of the year in the northern hemisphere. When I imagine the four seasons, I often will envision the face of a round clock, Summer...
BRAVERY What does it mean to be brave? Definition of bravery 1 : the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : the quality or state of being...
Edward’s 53rd Birthday Comfortably run. No, not a typo. Simply a not particularly brilliant nod to Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”. I do indeed mean that I am comfortably run. By a 10 km road...
I’ve brought up some of the ins and outs of being a care-griever. I can’t speak to the emotions that come with sudden loss but I can speak about the experience watching someone you love slowly fade...
This week I was reminded of just how stubborn I can be. On Thursday, May 5th, I stepped wrong on an uneven sidewalk and went down hard, presumably twisting my ankle. No one saw it and I sat there a good...
I think it is important to continue to evaluate your emotions as you travel further forward into the future leaving behind that milestone marked as your new start – AL (After Loss). We categorize...
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Boris came back to life now. If he just appeared again, alive and starting where he left off. Maybe he was never dead. Maybe he was just away. I have little...
Main image by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash It’s not the kind of thing that we go around saying, is it? At least not the Brits. At least not most Western Europeans. And at least not on a regular, ongoing...
I haven’t had much downtime lately. Life is just moving at a very rapid pace and yesterday my body decided we were in desperate need of a red light and slammed on the brakes. I was at work feeling sluggish...
Dear Kitty Cat, What a silly name your dad gave you. I tried to convince him to choose a more creative name, but he was settled on Kitty Cat. Now, I couldn’t imagine you having any other name. And...
Image by Robin Lyon on Unsplash As I reflect on what to write about this weekend – which is what I do when nothing immediately springs out at me – it’s about how used I have become to having complexity...
I booked the flight for Clayton’s funeral last night. It’s bothering me because a funeral isn’t supposed to be 4 years after someone passes. The celebration of life we had originally planned was...
Image by Robin Lyon on Unsplash As I reflect on what to write about this weekend – which is what I do when nothing immediately springs out at me – it’s about how used I have become to having complexity...
This week was the first anniversary of Tony’s death. Despite the strange time warp of grief, I have pulled us along into the second year. One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. I imagine the...
Main image by Angello Pro on Unsplash Today is not only Easter Day. It’s also our lovely Megan’s 21st birthday. Her sixth birthday without her father. Her 16th birthday was just nine days after her...
This weekend was a swirl of activities with soccer games, Easter and my oldest son turning 13. I didn’t have much time to look forward. So now it is Monday morning, and I am entering this week with trepidation...
The course of time is told by the passing of both soft and coarse sands. Some experiences feel gentle and powder fine while others sting and erode me in these whipping widowed winds. Five. How is it already...
We Were His Only Need He used to say that his heart would take him in the end, that husband of mine—the brave hearted man, father and mentor, friend to many; he used to say that we were all that...
My Sweet Mystery (*) Today is five years since you died. In that time, there have been so many difficult, painful, traumatic events. Exacerbating your not-here-ness. The things I would have to catch you...
When you pick your wedding date, you never imagine that day could one day bring heartache. All the focus is on the celebration and the happy life you are building together. It never even crosses your mind...
This is the 169th widowed blog I’ve written. In 28 days, it will be the fifth anniversary of Clayton’s death. I have been widowed longer than I was in high school or college. If that’s the case,...
It’s been almost 4 years since Clayton died. I was struck by that fact this week. I’ve been without him for as long as I was in high school. The biggest difference is that my schooling in sadness occurred...
Photos by my friend Jane del Pozo Back in the early 1990s, I worked for a couple of years post-Masters, in a small consulting firm of organisational psychologists in Cambridge. One of my colleagues –...
