Today, I spent part of my day decluttering the kitchen and reorganizing my toolboxes. It was a bit cathartic. I threw a load of things out. And it got me thinking about how cluttered I have been feeling...
His hugs. I felt them through my entire body. In our early days together, it was my hugs to him as he returned from deployment. We generally never had an opportunity for farewell hugs. Only words if he...
Main picture taken in 1973, perhaps 1974, when we had just moved to Brussels ….and so did my brother Edward. I also know that this is a blogsite for widows, and I am widowed. But in addition to losing...
This week's writing will begin with part of the first blog I ever wrote and it will end with an update and my reflections on the three years that have past since. I wrote, "Who Am I ?" on December 11,...
I have a personal blog and I wrote about the topic of food and cooking in October 2019. I decided to revisit it and update it as some time has passed, but similar feelings remain. I follow several grief-related...
I have always had trouble when I’m told that there is no way out and no solution to things. Apparently, looking back at my writing, that fact holds true even in loss and grief. I didn’t realize at...
The process of dealing with my grief as it came in its rawest form was difficult to say the least. To overcome it - to move beyond that state of deepest grief - means we have to experience our grief. It...
You are alive. You are whole. I say these words in my head so that I might hear them in my heart. Chuck didn’t say these words to me, but he very easily could have. No, I read these words in a book...
There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question...
I am working fiercely to own my worth. I recognize that Self Love is where the power is. For me to launch myself more fully into the life I desire, I need to absolutely love the woman I am becoming. ...
I am still wrapping my head around the new year…2020 felt so long, but then again it went by so fast somehow. Since mid-March when COVID-19 became an everyday reality for us in the U.S., I have been...
I have had an amazing time the past week with my family. A much needed reconnect. The interesting theme was everyone’s “sorry”. “Sorry we can’t visit.” “Sorry there is nothing to do.” “Sorry...
Alison is on the road this week and won’t have access to internet so we’ve chosen this post from 2017 to share with you until she returns next week. Enjoy! There is a particular and peculiar...
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles...
I’ve had some really weird and disturbing dreams the past week. The sort of dreams that don’t really relate to anything in my actual life but have lots of very stressful or strange things going on...
The Fourth of July - All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By...
This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses...
So this blog is a bit different than I usually write. This week I’ve been obsessed with terminology. Have you ever stopped for a minute and thought about words? Where did they come from? How they got...
It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying: “I thought you said you were ok and...
When I began my life without Mike 2.5 years ago, I felt like I landed in a foreign country and I could not speak the language. There was a sense that I was standing helplessly in the baggage claims area. ...
I watched the first episode of a new show on Netflix this morning called Dead to Me. In the episode, two women meet at a grief group, both widows. They end up building a new friendship as late night phone...
I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company. All of us are working a side business together with a...
Since becoming an involentary widow almost 8 years ago, I have changed in many positive ways. I am more empathetic. I am more sympathetic. I am less judgemental of people's lives and situations and...
Well the past two weeks I have been absent from blog writing. The first anniversary of Tin’s passing was quickly approaching and I honestly was scared. Scared to think about it. Scared to talk about...
There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question...
Weird shit happens at this time of year. Weird shit gets said at this time of year too. It feels like it is just a stream of obscene extremes. So many types of polarities and tensions, to hold and somehow...
The first thing I learned to do when Clayton passed away was say “No”. I said no to getting out of bed, no to eating, no to showering, no to the gym. No was the safest place I could hide myself. Saying...
After a lot of reflection, I finally understood and realized that I was left to minister myself the love Mike can no longer physically and emotionally provide to me. When you are widowed, you are...
Main image from the LA Times, July 2020 Remember when, back in the 1980s, just as we were getting sexually active (if you’re my age), and AIDS hit….? There were all those adverts, in the UK at least,...
Today marks exactly one month since Mike and I went to the courthouse and got married. Since that day, we’ve gone on a short honeymoon, and a short family trip with Shelby, both trips on the road, in...
My beautiful friend Joan, one of the very very very few people who has (a) consistently been present, (b) more or less accessible, and (c) capable of sitting with and exploring whatever colour and shade...
Well, it happened! This past week, Mike and I went to the courthouse and stood with a judge, said our vows, and got married. It wasn’t the big wedding with all our friends and family like we imagined...
I think it’s important to share not just the parts of my life that are affected by being widowed, but also the parts that are affected by having lost my mother as a child, and also my father in my late...
I am writing this not just because I have not written for a few weeks. I am also writing it as a sort of apology.These last few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As a solo parent, entrepreneur...
Images from internet searches for Netflix’s “After Life” Sometime after Mike died – perhaps a matter of months – Megan came to me and said, “Muuuuum – my Netflix account isn’t...
I can’t deny that really, since Drew died, life has just never gotten back to being “easy” or “effortless” in the way it was back before he died. Of course, I don’t ever remember anyone saying...
There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question...
Weird shit happens at this time of year. Weird shit gets said at this time of year too. It feels like it is just a stream of obscene extremes. So many types of polarities and tensions, to hold and somehow...
The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth...
For me, this Christmas, and always, I choose to focus on the LOVE and not the loss. This makes all the difference for me.
This year has been nothing less than bipolar. Severe ups, downs, twists and turns I could never expect. Year 1 and 2, I could keep busy, keep moving and face the loss of Clayton when I wanted too. Now,...
I feel his absence in my psyche. Mike was my person and now I wander through life while part of my Soul is elsewhere. My goal is to become more present in my life. I want to hold steady here in the world...
As my grief continues to evolve, I carefully consider who I am today. And, I recognize and accept that both potential and lost possibilities coexist in me. This duality is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. ...
The first thing I learned to do when Clayton passed away was say “No”. I said no to getting out of bed, no to eating, no to showering, no to the gym. No was the safest place I could hide myself. Saying...
The holidays. Sometimes “The Holidays”. Tra la la la la. In the midst of grief, the words loom large. They loom large even when it isn’t about intense grief but just…eh. THE HOLIDAYS...
I was born into a military family. My dad was career Army, a West Point graduate. Two of my brothers served in the Navy and the Marines, respectively. A good part of my growing up years were spent on military...
Each year, I feel myself falter and fall when the leaves change color because I know that Mike's death date is looming large. Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to trust that I can and I will...
It’s Halloween again. I used to mark my year’s passing by holidays and life events. Now that Clayton is gone, my year is filled with reminders written in grief across the days, weeks, months and seasons...
His hugs. I felt them through my entire body. In our early days together, it was my hugs to him as he returned from deployment. We generally never had an opportunity for farewell hugs. Only words if he...
This week's writing will begin with part of the first blog I ever wrote and it will end with an update and my reflections on the three years that have past since. I wrote, "Who Am I ?" on December 11,...
I have a personal blog and I wrote about the topic of food and cooking in October 2019. I decided to revisit it and update it as some time has passed, but similar feelings remain. I follow several grief-related...
I have always had trouble when I’m told that there is no way out and no solution to things. Apparently, looking back at my writing, that fact holds true even in loss and grief. I didn’t realize at...
The process of dealing with my grief as it came in its rawest form was difficult to say the least. To overcome it - to move beyond that state of deepest grief - means we have to experience our grief. It...
You are alive. You are whole. I say these words in my head so that I might hear them in my heart. Chuck didn’t say these words to me, but he very easily could have. No, I read these words in a book...
There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question...
I am working fiercely to own my worth. I recognize that Self Love is where the power is. For me to launch myself more fully into the life I desire, I need to absolutely love the woman I am becoming. ...
I am still wrapping my head around the new year…2020 felt so long, but then again it went by so fast somehow. Since mid-March when COVID-19 became an everyday reality for us in the U.S., I have been...
I have had an amazing time the past week with my family. A much needed reconnect. The interesting theme was everyone’s “sorry”. “Sorry we can’t visit.” “Sorry there is nothing to do.” “Sorry...
In my last blog, I talked about what resilience means, and how I define the three kinds of resilience. In this instalment, let's take a little time to learn about how we can start to build resilience...
Dear Boris, I heard somewhere that all of our cells regenerate every 7 years. I think fellow widow Nora McInerny may have said it. [I did a quick Google search on this fact and spent about 3 minutes looking...
Main picture taken in 1973, perhaps 1974, when we had just moved to Brussels ….and so did my brother Edward. I also know that this is a blogsite for widows, and I am widowed. But in addition to losing...
This week's writing will begin with part of the first blog I ever wrote and it will end with an update and my reflections on the three years that have past since. I wrote, "Who Am I ?" on December 11,...
Main image by Jonathan Chng on Unsplash 8th December 2020 Today I have lived 19,615 days Today, 8th December 2020, I am the exact age, to the day, that Mike was when he died Mike was born on 27th July...
After a lot of reflection, I finally understood and realized that I was left to minister myself the love Mike can no longer physically and emotionally provide to me. When you are widowed, you are...
It has been hard, but I have accepted that there is no returning to who I was. In the fifth year of widowhood that is before me, I will try to focus on who I am becoming. I will continue recreating...
Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I’m unbelievably grateful for the outpouring of celebration especially on social media where so many of us are finding community during a pandemic. I decided that the...
Each year, I feel myself falter and fall when the leaves change color because I know that Mike's death date is looming large. Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to trust that I can and I will...
Main picture by Mark Tegethoff on Unsplash I have long had an uncanny ability to work out time zones (what time is it right now in Sydney where they are 8 hours ahead? Or in Minneapolis which is 7 hours...
Today, I find myself in Texas near Houston. A speaking engagement planned almost a year ago. It has been a long time since I have been able to travel, speak and feel the energy in a room of people. This...
Life is for the living.
Mike had his life.
And, now I need to focus on mine.
Only he died in 2016.
It would be a tragedy if I buried myself too.
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was...
