The past seven days has been sort of a blur. Up for work, rush around, home, dogs, dinner, some tv and then bed. You know, the usual. As I sit here and type I was struggling with what to write. What feelings...
What is Camp Widow anyway? Camp Widow is an event started by our first-born daughter in response to her beloved husband, Phillip, being taken away by death much too soon. Camp Widow is a generous effort...
Image by Vladimir Kramer on Unsplash I have cried a lot this week. Sometimes it’s just like that. Some weeks I cry more than other weeks. It might be hormonal. Let’s face it, I am 54, and apart from...
Today, I am present in my life again. Once again, I am LIVING. Wow. Huh. I can’t believe that I got “here” – wherever this place is… When I first started writing my blogs...
As I keep walking forward along this widowed path, I’m coming across familiar terrain that I thought I left far behind in my life. No one really tells you that when you become widowed you revisit all...
I am writing this on Tuesday night. I am very late in writing my Friday post, as I have been many times, and I appreciate the grace. Between caregiving for my dad, graduate school, and sometimes just feeling...
Recently I have been spending time considering possible warm weather destinations for a mid-February hiatus. Here in the northern climes the specter of another harsh Winter leaves us daydreaming of a Winter...
autumn leaves turn colors as summer leaves us fall’s cool nights arrive; a smell of cinnamon nutmeg and memories surround. I fall as...
Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming...
Nearly five years later, I *still* identify myself as a widow because that is what I am. I will always be Mike's widow. It is what it is. But, I am so much more than this. And, really, I have always...
I’m afraid of heights. I have been completely frozen on the top of a ladder. I stand back from windows in a tall building and the idea of skydiving is sheer terror to me. Strangely enough, I love roller...
Hi Babe, It’s been 166 days, 22 hours, 32 minutes and 16 seconds since you left. The clock ticks on as I write, rendering the time estimate incorrect seconds after I type it. Confession seems warranted...
What is Camp Widow anyway? Camp Widow is an event started by our first-born daughter in response to her beloved husband, Phillip, being taken away by death much too soon. Camp Widow is a generous effort...
Hi Babe, It’s been 166 days, 22 hours, 32 minutes and 16 seconds since you left. The clock ticks on as I write, rendering the time estimate incorrect seconds after I type it. Confession seems warranted...
Images speak louder than words. The concentric layers of trees, in the gorgeous photo above, remind me of grief—its stages and the overall journey that begins when death arrives at our door...
One hundred and fifty two days ago my beloved husband transitioned into death. In that time I have learned that the reality of death and grief is something that cannot be understood unless you are in it...
The Power of Memory Do you ever wonder how certain memories come back to teach us about ourselves? The lesson for me in this week’s post is that dying is damn hard. Sometimes, in the midst of it,...
Love Begets Love A lifetime of love, like seeds in soil, sprouts and multiplies in the right conditions. When seeds of love sprout—love blooms. Love begets love. This explains how this precious song...
To My Dearest Dan, It has been one hundred thirty-one days since you died and it feels so much longer. It feels as if you are watching me from afar and also, somehow, participating daily in my life with...
Image by Sarah Treanor on www.streanor.com This is my 104th piece of writing for Soaring Spirits International, which means I have been writing here for exactly 2 years. A piece a week. And sometimes...
Pieces of You Photographs and memories All the love you gave to me Somehow it just can’t be true That’s all I’ve left of you In the midst of meal prep, sorting through items while seeking...
What is Reel Therapy? Gary Solomon’s popular book of the same name, published originally in 2001 and again in 2015, suggests that movies can be a therapeutic tool for our lives. A friend of mine...
Lately I’ve Been Thinking About Tears . . . . . . feeling them stream down my face and having the sensation that my tears are somehow different now. Rather than tears, they feel like mountain streams...
History Will Bear Witness History will bear witness to the terrible costs of the Worldwide Pandemic known as Covid-19 in the year 2020. In tallying those costs, nothing can compare to the loss of lives:...
Image by Vladimir Kramer on Unsplash I have cried a lot this week. Sometimes it’s just like that. Some weeks I cry more than other weeks. It might be hormonal. Let’s face it, I am 54, and apart from...
As I keep walking forward along this widowed path, I’m coming across familiar terrain that I thought I left far behind in my life. No one really tells you that when you become widowed you revisit all...
Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming...
I’m afraid of heights. I have been completely frozen on the top of a ladder. I stand back from windows in a tall building and the idea of skydiving is sheer terror to me. Strangely enough, I love roller...
Main image by Hudson Hintze on Unsplash When I took up swimming again for the first time, when I was about 23, it was after an approximatively 10-year hiatus. Until the age of 13, swimming (in a pool)...
Love and loss are the great unifiers. Later in life the family seems to only get together for weddings and funerals. The most interesting part of my grief is how separated and alone I felt even though...
Photo of Lac de Lamoura, French Jura I have been doing some reading, learning and re-working on Narrative – aka the story/ stories I/we tell – whether to ourselves or to others. Narratives are potentially...
Image by Sarah Treanor on www.streanor.com This is my 104th piece of writing for Soaring Spirits International, which means I have been writing here for exactly 2 years. A piece a week. And sometimes...
Photo my own – Andorran Pyrenees I am just back from three weeks holidays spent with Medjool. It’s been lovely. Refreshing. Renewing. Most of the time we were walking in the Pyrenees, east to west,...
Learning to fiercely love ourselves might be the greatest and most important love affair of our lives.
(Go on, read that again. Take a moment. Let it sink in.)
Yep. As widowed people,...
Well I guess we should just talk about it. Having to even think about dating again after Clayton passed away completely sucks. Dating is hard enough as it is but adding on being widowed, gay and living...
Image by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash What does someone, who wants to believe in the spirit world, and believe that we are souls having a human experience, do, when she has a “meh” experience with someone...
Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming...
Photo my own – Andorran Pyrenees I am just back from three weeks holidays spent with Medjool. It’s been lovely. Refreshing. Renewing. Most of the time we were walking in the Pyrenees, east to west,...
*Content warning: discussion of suicidal ideation/suicide and psychiatric hospitalization July 4th is one of those holidays that maybe you wouldn’t expect to be grief-y, but for me it is. Maybe it is...
What happens on Father’s Day for the family whose Papa has passed on to another dimension? Is there a way to connect from afar? When my dad passed away in 1994 I wondered, with my siblings, how we...
All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...
Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid. In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”. I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids. On the outside,...
The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always...
Wid-OWED This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton...
There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question...
Weird shit happens at this time of year. Weird shit gets said at this time of year too. It feels like it is just a stream of obscene extremes. So many types of polarities and tensions, to hold and somehow...
The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth...
For me, this Christmas, and always, I choose to focus on the LOVE and not the loss. This makes all the difference for me.
The past seven days has been sort of a blur. Up for work, rush around, home, dogs, dinner, some tv and then bed. You know, the usual. As I sit here and type I was struggling with what to write. What feelings...
Image by Vladimir Kramer on Unsplash I have cried a lot this week. Sometimes it’s just like that. Some weeks I cry more than other weeks. It might be hormonal. Let’s face it, I am 54, and apart from...
Today, I am present in my life again. Once again, I am LIVING. Wow. Huh. I can’t believe that I got “here” – wherever this place is… When I first started writing my blogs...
As I keep walking forward along this widowed path, I’m coming across familiar terrain that I thought I left far behind in my life. No one really tells you that when you become widowed you revisit all...
I am writing this on Tuesday night. I am very late in writing my Friday post, as I have been many times, and I appreciate the grace. Between caregiving for my dad, graduate school, and sometimes just feeling...
autumn leaves turn colors as summer leaves us fall’s cool nights arrive; a smell of cinnamon nutmeg and memories surround. I fall as...
Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming...
Nearly five years later, I *still* identify myself as a widow because that is what I am. I will always be Mike's widow. It is what it is. But, I am so much more than this. And, really, I have always...
I’m afraid of heights. I have been completely frozen on the top of a ladder. I stand back from windows in a tall building and the idea of skydiving is sheer terror to me. Strangely enough, I love roller...
Hi Babe, It’s been 166 days, 22 hours, 32 minutes and 16 seconds since you left. The clock ticks on as I write, rendering the time estimate incorrect seconds after I type it. Confession seems warranted...
Main image by Hudson Hintze on Unsplash When I took up swimming again for the first time, when I was about 23, it was after an approximatively 10-year hiatus. Until the age of 13, swimming (in a pool)...
Most definitely, there was a time and place for curating thoughts of him like sacred memories I would press against my heart and attempt to memorize by feel. In the past, I spent hours tenderly thinking...
Written on 11 September 2021 Main image by Jesper Blijdestein on Unsplash 9/11. Nine-Eleven trips off the tongue. It means September 11th 2001. Even to Brits, who would otherwise say 11th of September...
This past week I went with a close friend to the cemetery where her friend is buried. It was the 25th anniversary of his death by suicide. She has been a very supportive friend when Boris was receiving...
On July 25, 2008, Boris and I went to the beach. It was pretty romantic (as romantic as 17-year olds can be). We kissed and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We’d been friends for a couple of years...
Photos my own I survived last week. I survived 30 June and 1 July. I survived the two year “deathiversary” of Julia’s death. Forever split across a date line, two days of the week, two dates, two...
Tomorrow is the fourth 4th of July that I have an independence I never wanted… Tomorrow is our anniversary. Fitting that the start of our short journey together would be full of fireworks because that...
Photo my own – on my facebook feed, from 7 years ago (21 June 2014) Megan & Julia playing flute & oboe at our village Fete de la Musique concert I have just read a HuffPost article about...
Image by Denise Jans on Unsplash It’s been a choppy week. A choppy week full of choppy days. I feel I have been on a constant dance, in and out of multiple worlds. Which is not quite how it might sound,...
June 12 is the date on which Lee and I got married. This year, as June 12 approached, I felt a bit uncomfortable at the thought that June 12 is our anniversary since Lee would not be here with me to celebrate...
On May 25, 2016, he asked me to marry him. Then, he died before our wedding day. In 2018 when I originally wrote this, I sat re-reading those two sentences again and again and again. I just couldn’t...
Last week took me on an exhausting emotional tour. The week before being widowed hits me harder than any single memory or special day. The emotional stress is heightened to such a level that when it starts...
Once upon a time… A man stole my heart Right out of my chest. It’s ok that he stole it, Because he gave me his in return. He held my heart so carefully with his two hands. This man, dressed...
This week, my week before widowed, I took a trip off the main path of my journey and doubled back to the places I saw you last. My head said “yes” but my heart said “no don’t go”. It’s been...
