An Open Letter to the Holidays… Dear Holidays, As you know, the past 4 years I’ve been trying to figure out life without Clayton. He was always here when you arrived so after he died I couldn’t handle...
Well, in a few days I turn 31. Last year’s birthday felt hard because I was entering a new decade that Boris will never experience. He is forever 27. Frozen in time. And now 31 feels so far from...
. . he is missing It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad,...
Image by David Cleverley on Unsplash I don’t know how to begin this piece. I don’t know what will be in the middle. And I don’t know how it will end. In truth, I usually don’t know the middle...
For years, I asked a lot of the moon. Every.single.night I stood outside and searched the night sky for traces of him. I stood and waited to feel him. I searched the night for him because I thought my...
Part of moving forward is reflecting. This past Thursday was the 4th Thanksgiving without Clayton. I feel very different versus 2 years ago and I think that is important to share as I continue to grow...
Going back to the start of 2021, I have been volunteering my time on Thursdays at a local food pantry that serves our community. I am off today, however, because we are closed on Thanksgiving, which seems...
A PHOTO JOURNAL OF GRATITUDE On the day before a long past Thanksgiving, after a days-long vigil, my dearest Auntie Martha passed away in a hospital bed set up in her room with her best friend of sixty-plus...
image by Avesun on iStock About six weeks ago, on a Monday morning, I woke up crying and sobbing. I was having a beautiful and stunningly hard dream. It happens. Quite a lot. Whenever I dream of Julia...
Headed into the 4th set of holidays without Clayton and the 5th set without my father I’m spending more time remembering my growth instead of my grief. Walking into the woods of widowhood surrounded...
I remember when Boris and I both got Fitbit watches. We were both so excited for this new “thing” that everyone was doing and we had fun competing with each other. We went on a trip to New York and...
I met Robyn on one of those dating sites. She was not the first woman I dated after Lee died. We hit things off instantly, though initially I would not have been able to explain to you why this...
. . he is missing It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad,...
A PHOTO JOURNAL OF GRATITUDE On the day before a long past Thanksgiving, after a days-long vigil, my dearest Auntie Martha passed away in a hospital bed set up in her room with her best friend of sixty-plus...
. . THAT OUR SONG BEGINS AGAIN? Adjusting to a daily work schedule, a new work environment, and an entirely new set of applications and procedures left me distracted enough this week that I forgot...
IN HONOR OF OUR BELOVED DEAD Lady La Muerte The Lady La Muerte arrives in her finest gown Covered with butterflies, up and down; her dress the color of la muerte; her hat needs the bull fighter’s...
i carry it in my heart . . . after e.e. cummings poem i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear) e.e. cummings i...
Who Am I Now? The new me was born on April 15, 2021. The new me attended a four day conference with my new name found in its title: widow. The new me is still trying to figure things out. I’m not...
The Wonder of Peer Support. This past weekend, I attended Camp Widow as a newly widowed person where you immediately feel that people understand your feelings. Peer support is the “process of giving...
What is Camp Widow anyway? Camp Widow is an event started by our first-born daughter in response to her beloved husband, Phillip, being taken away by death much too soon. Camp Widow is a generous effort...
Hi Babe, It’s been 166 days, 22 hours, 32 minutes and 16 seconds since you left. The clock ticks on as I write, rendering the time estimate incorrect seconds after I type it. Confession seems warranted...
Images speak louder than words. The concentric layers of trees, in the gorgeous photo above, remind me of grief—its stages and the overall journey that begins when death arrives at our door...
One hundred and fifty two days ago my beloved husband transitioned into death. In that time I have learned that the reality of death and grief is something that cannot be understood unless you are in it...
The Power of Memory Do you ever wonder how certain memories come back to teach us about ourselves? The lesson for me in this week’s post is that dying is damn hard. Sometimes, in the midst of it,...
An Open Letter to the Holidays… Dear Holidays, As you know, the past 4 years I’ve been trying to figure out life without Clayton. He was always here when you arrived so after he died I couldn’t handle...
For years, I asked a lot of the moon. Every.single.night I stood outside and searched the night sky for traces of him. I stood and waited to feel him. I searched the night for him because I thought my...
Headed into the 4th set of holidays without Clayton and the 5th set without my father I’m spending more time remembering my growth instead of my grief. Walking into the woods of widowhood surrounded...
I met Robyn on one of those dating sites. She was not the first woman I dated after Lee died. We hit things off instantly, though initially I would not have been able to explain to you why this...
Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning...
Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I...
Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021. For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was...
I have a giant vase full of change. It occurred to me today that I’ve been collecting all the change I find along the past 4.5ish years since day 1 of widowhood. Look at all that change. Interesting...
Last weekend, I did a “thing”. I went on a weekend trip with a guy (one that is actually *alive*…gasp). I met this guy in summer 2019 when I was giving the dating app thing a try. It’s been...
When you allow life to unfold, the right people come into your life at the right time.
Today’s blog is a moment of self-reflection. Once in awhile, I sit down and take stock of where I am and where I was. Right now I am on a beautiful weekend getaway with my boyfriend and his family. I...
Main image by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash. All other photos my own from 16-17 October 2021 on the south banks of Lake Geneva. I have written before about my daily (nightly) reflective practice of...
An Open Letter to the Holidays… Dear Holidays, As you know, the past 4 years I’ve been trying to figure out life without Clayton. He was always here when you arrived so after he died I couldn’t handle...
. . he is missing It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad,...
Part of moving forward is reflecting. This past Thursday was the 4th Thanksgiving without Clayton. I feel very different versus 2 years ago and I think that is important to share as I continue to grow...
I met Robyn on one of those dating sites. She was not the first woman I dated after Lee died. We hit things off instantly, though initially I would not have been able to explain to you why this...
Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming...
Photo my own – Andorran Pyrenees I am just back from three weeks holidays spent with Medjool. It’s been lovely. Refreshing. Renewing. Most of the time we were walking in the Pyrenees, east to west,...
*Content warning: discussion of suicidal ideation/suicide and psychiatric hospitalization July 4th is one of those holidays that maybe you wouldn’t expect to be grief-y, but for me it is. Maybe it is...
What happens on Father’s Day for the family whose Papa has passed on to another dimension? Is there a way to connect from afar? When my dad passed away in 1994 I wondered, with my siblings, how we...
All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight...
Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid. In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”. I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids. On the outside,...
The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always...
An Open Letter to the Holidays… Dear Holidays, As you know, the past 4 years I’ve been trying to figure out life without Clayton. He was always here when you arrived so after he died I couldn’t handle...
Well, in a few days I turn 31. Last year’s birthday felt hard because I was entering a new decade that Boris will never experience. He is forever 27. Frozen in time. And now 31 feels so far from...
. . he is missing It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad,...
Image by David Cleverley on Unsplash I don’t know how to begin this piece. I don’t know what will be in the middle. And I don’t know how it will end. In truth, I usually don’t know the middle...
For years, I asked a lot of the moon. Every.single.night I stood outside and searched the night sky for traces of him. I stood and waited to feel him. I searched the night for him because I thought my...
Part of moving forward is reflecting. This past Thursday was the 4th Thanksgiving without Clayton. I feel very different versus 2 years ago and I think that is important to share as I continue to grow...
A PHOTO JOURNAL OF GRATITUDE On the day before a long past Thanksgiving, after a days-long vigil, my dearest Auntie Martha passed away in a hospital bed set up in her room with her best friend of sixty-plus...
Headed into the 4th set of holidays without Clayton and the 5th set without my father I’m spending more time remembering my growth instead of my grief. Walking into the woods of widowhood surrounded...
I remember when Boris and I both got Fitbit watches. We were both so excited for this new “thing” that everyone was doing and we had fun competing with each other. We went on a trip to New York and...
. . THAT OUR SONG BEGINS AGAIN? Adjusting to a daily work schedule, a new work environment, and an entirely new set of applications and procedures left me distracted enough this week that I forgot...
Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning...
Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I...
Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning...
Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I...
Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021. For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was...
I wrote this one year ago. It is amazing how in a year so much can change in a person’s life. I will explain in an addendum that follows. ~S. I realize that I may always “fall” when...
Grief has a timeline of it’s own. For me, my grief only receded into the background when I started to genuinely LIVE more. I often say that “My Grief got “softer” when my Life got louder”. ...
Written on 11 September 2021 Main image by Jesper Blijdestein on Unsplash 9/11. Nine-Eleven trips off the tongue. It means September 11th 2001. Even to Brits, who would otherwise say 11th of September...
This past week I went with a close friend to the cemetery where her friend is buried. It was the 25th anniversary of his death by suicide. She has been a very supportive friend when Boris was receiving...
On July 25, 2008, Boris and I went to the beach. It was pretty romantic (as romantic as 17-year olds can be). We kissed and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We’d been friends for a couple of years...
Photos my own I survived last week. I survived 30 June and 1 July. I survived the two year “deathiversary” of Julia’s death. Forever split across a date line, two days of the week, two dates, two...
Tomorrow is the fourth 4th of July that I have an independence I never wanted… Tomorrow is our anniversary. Fitting that the start of our short journey together would be full of fireworks because that...
Photo my own – on my facebook feed, from 7 years ago (21 June 2014) Megan & Julia playing flute & oboe at our village Fete de la Musique concert I have just read a HuffPost article about...
Image by Denise Jans on Unsplash It’s been a choppy week. A choppy week full of choppy days. I feel I have been on a constant dance, in and out of multiple worlds. Which is not quite how it might sound,...
