Zoey said, “ I’m lucky to have you as my tutor.” And with that, I felt tears well up in my eyes. I had to look away from the camera that was connecting us via Zoom. I took a moment to gather myself before looking up and replying softly, thanks. She couldn’t know it, of course, but Zoey’s simple declaration had made my first experience as a volunteer tutor feel worthwhile and special.
***
I never wanted kids with my first wife, and it was the right choice for us because that relationship was bound to fail. Jane, who became my second wife, was unable to have kids, though she desperately wanted to have a child. And, believe me, we tried desperately, too.
Unfortunately, the science of in vitro fertilization was in its infancy with a miniscule success rate in single digits. Then, amazingly, during a necessary hiatus from our strict medical regimen, Jane got pregnant naturally and in vivo, only to miscarry. Unlike Jane, I was neither prepared nor willing to adopt a child. Such events had a lasting and deleterious impact on our marriage, which eventually ended in a divorce.
By the time I met Lee, she could not bear children due to medical reasons, perhaps a dark harbinger of things to come. Regardless, as far as I could tell, this did not seem to trouble Lee much; I don’t believe that she ever wanted a child. And we were about as happy together as a childless couple could ever hope to be.
***
The bottom line is that I have never had children of my own. Even so, I believe I would have been a good dad.
Now, soon to turn seventy-three years old, I might be a bit late to the game. Typically, men become fathers when they are between the ages of twenty-seven and thirty.
According to the Stanford University Medicine News Center, “[d]ata from more than 40 million births showed that babies born to fathers of an “advanced paternal age,” which roughly equates to older than 35, were at a higher risk for adverse birth outcomes, such as low birth weight, seizures and need for ventilation immediately after birth. Generally speaking, the older a father’s age, the greater the risk. For example, men who were 45 or older were 14 percent more likely to have a child born prematurely, and men 50 or older were 28 percent more likely to have a child that required admission to the neonatal intensive care unit.” Emphasis added. See “Older fathers associated with increased birth risks,” by Hanae Armitage (published 10-31-18), https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2018/10/older-fathers-associated-with-increased-birth-risks.html.
If thirty-five is deemed to be “advanced paternal age,” it would make me the Methuselah of new papas! Of course, these days you do see a fair number of elderly celebrity dads –including Al Pacino, eighty-three, De Niro, eighty, and Mick Jagger, seventy-six, being among the oldest. Interestingly, many of these elderly celebrity dads have fathered multiple offspring in their time. The winning formula would thus appear to combine great fame, lots of money, and partners who might well be younger than the celebrity dad’s oldest child from a prior relationship. However, personally lacking any of these qualifications, means it is extremely unlikely that I will be joining their club any time soon. And the simple truth is that I don’t want to become a member. At the same time, I must admit that today one of my great regrets is that I never experienced father.
However, I can still interact with and enjoy the company of young people like Zoey. I will pass along what I can, for as long as I am able. Hopefully, they will reap some benefit, and occasionally express their appreciation.
