I miss the little things. The things not many people talk about in loss. I don’t just miss my person on holidays, anniversaries, or milestones, but all those in between days. All the in-between minutes and seconds and moments. Something as simple as how he used to hug me from behind as I made dinner. Or gently brushing my hair as he passed me on the stairs. I miss the hand-holding and the ‘I love yous’ every night. I miss someone challenging me on an idea. Someone to talk bounce things off of. I miss my person. I miss the routines. Even just sitting on the couch and resting my head on his chest. I miss making coffee in the morning for two. And what I truly miss so much is watching him interact with our kids. The love in his eyes for us. How just one look and smile would wrap us all up.

But it’s not even just the missing of what was, is it? It’s also the missing of what should have been. Last week was Valentine’s Day. Erik always loved celebrating every “holiday” to its fullest which also makes something already hard, harder. I normally try not to be out in stores or around places I know would be hard on certain holidays, but this Valentine’s Day I needed to go to the store to grab some things for the twins that I had forgotten to get earlier in the week. As I was in the store I passed by a dad picking out flowers with his young son and I overheard the son going “This one for mommy, daddy“, as he pointed at a bouquet. And just like that, it felt like my heart broke all over again. Even something as simple as witnessing that made me realize again all the things Erik will miss or have missed, but also all the things I will miss from seeing him with our twins. Moments like those, those realizations over and over again are always so hard. And those hard moments are where I find myself daydreaming and thinking back to those little things that I miss so much. There, I find myself reliving parts of my days.

I often think to myself how much I miss all the things. Little. Big. Just all of it. And how we are only barely coming up on two years since he passed, yet the feeling of how deeply I miss all the things every day and every second makes me feel as if it has been longer. The feeling of just missing him.