All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight and a visit to another country! What’s not to love? And all with the underlay of loss and […]
Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid. In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”. I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids. On the outside, the condition of my life looks good. Aside from Mike’s death, my life may even be enviable to some; but things are not as they appear. Like the aesthetically pleasing chocolate bunnies, I look to be well dressed and professionally presented; but, inside me there is something lacking. Inside of me, the landscape of my Soul is barren – or at least it was for many years. For a long time after he died I was hollow inside like the foil bunnies. On the inside of me there was ‘nothing’. Where there used to be unbridled joy there was emptiness.
The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always get a little red envelope with money. I know the holiday must be challenging for his parents and sister […]
Wid-OWED This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton sit on a bookshelf until we can figure out a funeral for them. I’m coming up on 3 years since Clayton […]
There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question is not about Julia, nor about how I am (those are topics where most mere mortals fear […]
Weird shit happens at this time of year. Weird shit gets said at this time of year too. It feels like it is just a stream of obscene extremes. So many types of polarities and tensions, to hold and somehow absorb. To try not to get too upset about. Festive lights against dark, black-out-curfewed streets. […]
The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth and, trust me, on the seventh day after there isn’t rest. Every day is a new “day after”. Funny, that […]
For me, this Christmas, and always, I choose to focus on the LOVE and not the loss. This makes all the difference for me.
This year has been nothing less than bipolar. Severe ups, downs, twists and turns I could never expect. Year 1 and 2, I could keep busy, keep moving and face the loss of Clayton when I wanted too. Now, year 3, in a pandemic with the world halted, I’m forced to taste the truth and […]
I feel his absence in my psyche. Mike was my person and now I wander through life while part of my Soul is elsewhere. My goal is to become more present in my life. I want to hold steady here in the world where I physically exist. I need to engage in my life more fully. I deserve to live a good life; and, my boys deserve their Mother back. The gift of presence is the present I wish to give my boys this Christmas.
As my grief continues to evolve, I carefully consider who I am today. And, I recognize and accept that both potential and lost possibilities coexist in me. This duality is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. I am at once full of potential; and, concurrently, I have lost my ability to fulfill some of my previous desires. This is just plain lousy. I won’t pretend it isn’t.
The first thing I learned to do when Clayton passed away was say “No”. I said no to getting out of bed, no to eating, no to showering, no to the gym. No was the safest place I could hide myself. Saying no stopped the world and that is just where I wanted to be. […]