I am just back from a brave week of open water swimming in the waters of the La Maddalena Archipelago, off the north-east coast of Sardinia. Brave because it’s the end of summer – indeed early autumn (we had three days of wind & rain, and four days of decent – albeit windy sunshine) Brave […]
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was the first of that minute without him. Every day was the first Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday […]
View of “Le Canigou” – the Pyrenees’ highest mountain – from my parents’ house, after a summer storm 3 August 2020 We have been on holiday now for a “fat” week. “We” is Megan, Ben, Medjool and me. A “fat” week is 10 days. The first 7 days were spent in the Camargue, a beautifully […]
Just like I always feel a twinge of glee on 21st December (we have reached the shortest and darkest 24-hour period in the Northern Hemisphere – yippee!), I also feel a twinge of sadness on 21st June when we have reached the longest, lightest day. There’s a clear message there about not living in the […]
Today, as I write, Sunday 10th May 2020, it is Mother’s Day in North America. And, closer to home, in Switzerland too. The day during which, in former times, people congratulate mothers on being mothers. People bring their mums flowers, make them a meal, take them out for a meal. Or just call them and […]
When he died, he was in the processing of teaching the boys how to do many of these tasks. Mike thought he had time. And, then time ran out. Death robbed us overnight. And, I find this ironic because Mike was a police officer. He was supposed to protect us from the injustices of life. But, sometimes things just aren’t fair. And, lousy things happen to good people; and, then, they are forced to somehow gather themselves and limp forward.
This is the sixth Mother’s day since Megan’s death. Shelby is now starting to actually outgrow her mother’s shoes, and she’s almost as tall at 13 as Megan was at 33. She looks like her. A real “bean pole” right now. At this age, she’s more concerned about video games, reading, riding her bike, and texting her friends than anything else. From the outside looking in, it’s almost as-if she’s forgotten about her mother.
For many years, I chose to exist safely. I needed to pause and reestablish my footing. And, thankfully, I did outgrow the comfort of the limitations I have created for myself. But, I will never forget those early days of grief. I was so unhinged because of his death that I couldn’t manage much more than limping through the day. But, as time has progressed, I understand that this was staggering was necessary. I had to experience the process of faltering and coming undone, in order to move forward. I now understand that I needed my toes to touch the bottom before I could re-surface. That was part of the process. It was unavoidable.
I know that, eventually, I will find the momentum to get me to where I need to be. I’ve come a long way these last 3.5 years and I don’t want to undersell my success. I see what I’ve accomplished without him; and more importantly I feel it. I like the woman I’m becoming. And, he’d like her too.
I have always had grit. And, if I ever doubt my capability, I remind myself that once upon a time I was his. And, he loved me because I was solid. There is nothing hollow about me.
As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I […]
In our community, “Grief Math” is common practice. We all do it. We keep track of dates. We mark dates. We “celebrate” dates. We honor our person on certain days. And, daily, we privately attempt rough calculations – in our heads – regarding random dates and their deadness. We complete these elaborate calculations involving […]
Sunshine and mild temperatures don’t mean that the worst is over…they simply mean that the weather that will floor you comes from the ground up.
My second Valentine’s without you. The first one was a fog. The second one I’m wide awake with full clarity to feel all the feelings. To say today is fine would be dishonest. Today is hard but I know that I’ll be ok. I am safe. Since Tin’s passing, I have found that my open […]