Sometimes I torture myself by looking at pictures of myself when I was younger.
Not because getting older bothers me, but because it intrigues me to study them for how I looked before life disintegrated into a cloud of dust around me.
Widowed by Illness
Over and Over Again. I Do…
I do.
Again, and over and over.
Even knowing that you would someday leave me.
Wandering~
I wander in and out of this life I live without Chuck.
Literally, of course, as I steer my pink car, towing my pink trailer, down roads and highways and byways,
Through cities and towns and tiny villages…
Fantasy, but…oh…Love~
Quite early on in this widowed life, as I went out on the road and realized that I didn’t recognize myself or my life in any way since the night of April 21… I remember thinking to myself…though it was more in the way of torturing myself…with the thought… What if Chuck were to come back to life? Would he recognize me? How could he possibly…
The Universe, Wherever I Am~
I spent last weekend, starting on Thursday, at a rally for people who own [email protected] trailers, as I do. My little rig has been my home on the road in the years since Chuck’s death. It’s tiny in every way, but still has a surprising amount of room inside of it, for me and for storage. I’m 5’1 and it gives me a little bit of clearance over my head. I can…
I Thought of You~
I thought of you last night. One night among all the thousands of nights that have passed since your hand last grasped mine, As we lay next to each other in the dark. I thought of your breath Your arms braced As you raised yourself above me, The passion in your eyes A mere reflection of mine. Our bodies sweaty and slick As we moved this way and…
Current State…Confusion~
I’ve reached a major point along this widowhood road. Arrived, so to speak. At least, in my mind, I have. I’m in the state of Confusion. And I’m kind of okay with it, in the midst of nothing being okay any longer. I’m not fighting any emotion that comes my way. Good, bad, indifferent and everything in between.I picture myself, at times, as one of…
My Time in a Bottle~
This is the eve of what the world celebrates as New Year’s. But, since Time has ceased to hold any meaning for me since Chuck’s death, I’ve taken it upon myself to designate my New Year as beginning on April 21; the anniversary of Chuck’s death. That’s the time when I reflect on whatever needs reflecting upon. It’s when I do a self-check, and it’s…
Pizza Toppings
At home I have a big bathroom. Built and decorated by Mike. So big that it has two basins, each with a mirror above it. “His ‘n’ Hers”. Two basins are not common in European bathrooms. Houses don’t usually have the space. In between the basins and the mirrors, stuck to the wall with blu-tack, is a yellowing, curly-edged, typed piece of…
Sublime and Surreal~
My brain and body…both are too tired to string together too many sentences. I say too tired, but it isn’t from tiredness really, as much as it is a whole lot of stimulation in the past few days. My mom used to say that stress happens with good and bad things both. That our body feels it as stress whatever it is. This has been good stress in the…
And So it Begins~
I’ve been sewing and gluing all day long. Tomorrow will be more of the same. On Thursday I’ll run last minute errands and then hitch my rig, PinkMagic, to my pink car. Very early Friday morning I’ll meet my film team and we’ll head first to Sedona AZ and then Zion Nat’l Park in Utah. The time has come, as the walrus said…This weekend my team and…
Raise Your Hand~
I thought about reposting my WV blog from 2015 for this week. Because I pretty much feel the same way, regarding the holidays. Except worse. As a 6 1/2 year veteran of this wid life, I kind of hate owning up to how difficult this all is for me still. I don’t want to scare those of you who are just stepping out onto the road. But I also feel the…