When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed to have lunch one day with Matt but he didn’t come to school. At the last […]
Widowed by Illness
Chuck wouldn’t want you to be sad. Don’t you think Chuck would want you to be happy? We’ve all heard this inane statement. This inane question. It doesn’t always come from the un-widowed, either. I see it frequently in the widowed community. What a pain to listen to others speak for someone they don’t even […]
Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a point in our life where we can begin to date again. I know Clayton would want me to […]
I hope, someday, if it hasn’t already happened for you, that life allows you to experience the beautiful intimacy of fully entrusting your body, your heart, your soul, your very being, into the hands of a man who will hold it tenderly, and with care. Who will cherish the gift of all you are, and […]
This is the sixth Mother’s day since Megan’s death. Shelby is now starting to actually outgrow her mother’s shoes, and she’s almost as tall at 13 as Megan was at 33. She looks like her. A real “bean pole” right now. At this age, she’s more concerned about video games, reading, riding her bike, and texting her friends than anything else. From the outside looking in, it’s almost as-if she’s forgotten about her mother.
We find ourselves surrounded by closures of stores, restaurants, movie theaters, parks and beaches. Those are the closures we can tangibly see but there are so many more emotional situations we are closed off from. The one I’m feeling heavier than any other is a certain aspect of closure with the loss of a loved […]
I have very few physical objects that have survived my 61 years, or my full time life of travel for the past 11 years. Except this one thing. This pink pic comb. I bought it back in the 70’s when I got my first perm. I was only 19 and I knew nothing about hair […]
I gave myself a haircut at home this week. Well maybe it’s not exactly heroic to get a haircut but it took a lot of courage to do it. Not because I might miss a spot or screw up and shave a line across my head but because I had to do it myself. It’s […]
Stay with me, my beloved husband. Don’t leave me. I don’t want to be without you in this life. Words uttered only in my heart as my hand gently touched your forehead. As my hand glided over your cheekbones, sharpened by cancer. As my two hands wrapped around your fingers, stroking your knuckles. Remembering the […]
Dear Tin, It’s so hard to believe that this week makes the second year I’ve had to wake up without you. I don’t know how to describe how 2 years feels like already and forever ago at the same time. Many people don’t understand that grief comes in drops, ripples, waves and flash floods. For […]
I blame most everything on #deadhusband.
As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I […]