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Emma Pearson

About Emma Pearson

My life is a whirling mix of swishy strands, dark and glowing brightly, rough and silky smooth – all attempting to be seen, felt and integrated at once. Here are some of my themes.

I am British and now recently also French (because of Brexit), and I have lived in France for the past 21 years. I am 55 and sometimes feel to be an “older widow”, and yet I feel so young. I lost my best male friend Don to bowel cancer in September 2015, my brother Edward to glioblastoma in January 2016, my husband Mike to pancreatic cancer in April 2017, and my sweet youngest child, Julia, to grief-related suicide, in July 2019. And I met a new love (let’s call him Medjool, after my favourite kind of date), off one single meeting on a dating website. Our relationship has exploded into blossom as of June 2019.

I am widowed and I am in a new relationship. I have lost a best friend, a sweet brother, a beloved husband and a precious child, and I still have both parents who are alive and well. I live my days with my grief wrapped in love and my love wrapped in grief. I no longer even try to make sense of anything. I just hope to keep on loving and living for as long as I can, while grieving the losses of loves that are no longer breathing by my side.

I suspect my writing here will be a complex mish-mash of love and sorrow. I also write on http://www.widowingemptynests.com/.

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“The relationship I always wanted….”

Posted on: May 30, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Photo of my parents in 1961 in Córdoba, Spain – from their archives Medjool and I have just had a lovely 10 day “working break”, based mostly at my parents’ house in Céret in the Pyrénées Orientales, just inside France on the Franco-Spanish border. Now into their 80s, I try to get down to spend […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

I wish I could better imagine…

Posted on: May 23, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Photos my own – taken at Christmas 2022, on runs with my dad Sometimes I stop short in my tracks and realise with desperate sadness that I can no longer imagine what my life would be like with Mike were he still alive. In the last years since he died, I have lived through what […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

What do Mother’s Day, Handy Men, T-shirts and Jazz have in common?

Posted on: May 16, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Photo my own   You might well ask. Well, one answer, and the only one I have right now, is that these words, or words related to them, are on sticky notes, forming a dense, colourful and messy pile, worthy of investing in 3M. I am trying to reduce my use of sticky notes, but […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed Memories, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

The School Bus That Thumps Me In The Gut

Posted on: May 9, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Music, yes – of course music does it. Lyrics or no lyrics – same same. Places too. And faces – duh. All of those are triggers – triggers for a fast tumble down a Grief-soaked spiral. But the evening school bus? School buses, in fact, for there were two a day – one for kids […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

Credits

Posted on: May 2, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Photo my own screenshot  A long, long time ago, back in the last millennium, in the time when there were dinosaurs, and during the 7 month period between 1997 and 1998 where I had a brilliantly exciting expat assignment in Minneapolis, I met a lovely woman called Betsy. She was first a colleague then became […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

Just because I “know” doesn’t mean I “remember”

Posted on: April 25, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Image of Ground Zero Memorial by Oleg Illarionov on Unsplash It’s a tricky thing, supporting others who have experienced great loss. Even when you yourself have experienced great loss. Even when you have experienced the “same” great loss, dammit. It’s a tricky thing because of so many tricky things. Tricky things like the natural human […]

Categories: Child Loss, Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

Poster Child – but not for the reasons I would have wanted

Posted on: April 18, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Photo by P – family friend – photo of our two girls, which P keeps stuck behind a piece of art from Julia It was Julia’s 19th birthday a couple of weeks ago. On 30th March. Still her birthday. Even if she is not alive to enjoy it, to celebrate it, to live it, to […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

8th April

Posted on: April 11, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Photos my own, taken today   It generates a sicky feeling in my tummy. A sinking of my heart. A shortening of my breath. An increase in my heart’s rate. A tensing of my belly. A weakening of my arms’ and legs’ strength. Trembly fingers.   This date. 8th of April. Typing it out. Seeing […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

The Body Remembers – Again

Posted on: April 4, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

This morning I awoke at exactly 4h00. It’s not entirely uncommon that I am awake around that time.   But to awaken at exactly 4h00. On 30th March. The body remembers.   Nineteen years ago, at that very moment, I woke up. I needed the loo. As in to poo. And I knew. Because late […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

NNTR and other attempts to influence language

Posted on: March 28, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Image by i-am_nah on Unsplash Back in the 1980s, and possibly into the 1990s, I was quite an avid reader of two “wimmin’s magazines” – Company and Cosmopolitan. I just looked up to see if they still exist – they do. But I am curious how I ever found any of it interesting. Perhaps it […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

“Pas Voulu Mais Choisi”

Posted on: March 21, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Image by Josue Michel on Unsplash 18 March 2023 I have just come back from my Saturday morning swim with the Masters. When I say, “with the Masters”, I speak rather relatively. Yes, I am part of the Masters group, and so get access to special opening times, long before the sun rises. On Saturdays […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

A Monstruous Web of Grief and Loss

Posted on: March 14, 2023 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Main image by Guille Pozzi on Unsplash I saw yet another film today. I am seeing rather a few at the moment. Anytime I go into town, I work out whether or not I can sneak in a film on my way home. And sometimes I can. So I just do. Late afternoon or early […]

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

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