Photo by P – family friend – photo of our two girls, which P keeps stuck behind a piece of art from Julia It was Julia’s 19th birthday a couple of weeks ago. On 30th March. Still her birthday. Even if she is not alive to enjoy it, to celebrate it, to live it, to […]
8th April
Photos my own, taken today It generates a sicky feeling in my tummy. A sinking of my heart. A shortening of my breath. An increase in my heart’s rate. A tensing of my belly. A weakening of my arms’ and legs’ strength. Trembly fingers. This date. 8th of April. Typing it out. Seeing […]
The Body Remembers – Again
This morning I awoke at exactly 4h00. It’s not entirely uncommon that I am awake around that time. But to awaken at exactly 4h00. On 30th March. The body remembers. Nineteen years ago, at that very moment, I woke up. I needed the loo. As in to poo. And I knew. Because late […]
NNTR and other attempts to influence language
Image by i-am_nah on Unsplash Back in the 1980s, and possibly into the 1990s, I was quite an avid reader of two “wimmin’s magazines” – Company and Cosmopolitan. I just looked up to see if they still exist – they do. But I am curious how I ever found any of it interesting. Perhaps it […]
“Pas Voulu Mais Choisi”
Image by Josue Michel on Unsplash 18 March 2023 I have just come back from my Saturday morning swim with the Masters. When I say, “with the Masters”, I speak rather relatively. Yes, I am part of the Masters group, and so get access to special opening times, long before the sun rises. On Saturdays […]
A Monstruous Web of Grief and Loss
Main image by Guille Pozzi on Unsplash I saw yet another film today. I am seeing rather a few at the moment. Anytime I go into town, I work out whether or not I can sneak in a film on my way home. And sometimes I can. So I just do. Late afternoon or early […]
Love Is Not Always Enough
Image by freestocks on Unsplash Last night I saw “The Son”, which I knew would be a hard film. (** Spoiler Alerts ** Don’t read if you want to see the film **) I knew from the trailer that it was about teenage struggle – possibly linked to mental health issues related to loss, gender- […]
Conversations Without Spaces Erase Entire Lives
Main image by Red Zeppelin on Unsplash I was invited for dinner at a friend’s house last night. Medjool was also invited and joined. We so rarely get invited out as a couple. His friends invite him out, and invariably he goes without me. My friends invite me out, but without inviting him. Actually, no […]
Let’s Talk About Death Over Dinner
Image by Nadia Valko on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago I hosted a dinner where the sole focus was to talk about all things Death and Dying. (And Grief, because, heck, it’s inseparable). I had come across the concept of this kind of dinner during the months after Mike died, and decided, “Okay – […]
It’s Not About the Roses
Image by Yoksel on Unsplash It’s Valentine’s Day already in some parts of the world. I know that the date fills a number of my fellow widbuds with Horror. Or Grief. Or Sadness. Or Resentment. There’s such “noise” around Valentine’s day in (at least Anglophone) parts of the world – it’s one of those many […]
Choosing Life – A Love Letter to Julia from Paula
Photo of Paula & Julia by a school friend I wake up to a firm ray of sunlight bursting through my dormitory window on July 2nd, 2019. I can’t wait to finally see my family after what feels like years. Suddenly, an inexplicable feeling of heaviness fills my chest, making it hard to get out […]
What does hope look like for me now?
Image by precious widbud Charlotte MacNaughton – Yellowknife, Canada’s Northwest Territories (Jan 2023) Way back when, back in my life before, and soon after I had started up my business, Kaleidoscope Development, I wrote a blogpost on “Hope”. It was 21st April 2014. I actually called it, “Hope – Part One”, and a week later, […]