I’ll admit his sudden absence after having been home 24/7 for the past few months definitely has the triggers talking. It’s as if the widow part of me is suddenly on high alert because a person is here less than normal and it doesn’t compute. It only knows to be worrying that this means death and pain are coming.
Widowed & Unmarried
Lost Belonging
When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed to have lunch one day with Matt but he didn’t come to school. At the last […]
One Stood Up Widow
Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a point in our life where we can begin to date again. I know Clayton would want me to […]
Quarantined from Closure in a Garden of Grief
We find ourselves surrounded by closures of stores, restaurants, movie theaters, parks and beaches. Those are the closures we can tangibly see but there are so many more emotional situations we are closed off from. The one I’m feeling heavier than any other is a certain aspect of closure with the loss of a loved […]
The Heroic Haircut
I gave myself a haircut at home this week. Well maybe it’s not exactly heroic to get a haircut but it took a lot of courage to do it. Not because I might miss a spot or screw up and shave a line across my head but because I had to do it myself. It’s […]
The Power of Your Name
Dear Tin, It’s so hard to believe that this week makes the second year I’ve had to wake up without you. I don’t know how to describe how 2 years feels like already and forever ago at the same time. Many people don’t understand that grief comes in drops, ripples, waves and flash floods. For […]
Nothing and Everything to Say
As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I […]
Please Pass the Salt
When I was younger I rarely said no to food. I liked almost everything except baked macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes. Absolutely hated it but it was my Dad’s favorite. “Do I have to eat this?” I said. “I’ll eat anything else.” “You’ll eat what’s put in front of you.” said my Dad. He […]
Season of Anger
I try to stay pretty positive but I’m already furious at all of those people who are complaining they are going crazy being stuck at home with their spouses and their children. I understand how this weird situation can be on everyone but can they just manage one week of being inconvenienced before jumping on […]
Gravely Grateful
“I wished he was dead!” she said. “I honestly wished he was dead!” she said again with deep conviction. The words felt like bullets. I gasped, put my hand on my heart and put my head down. A couple was speaking on stage at an event, sharing their journey through his substance abuse and how […]
Arriving in Community
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]
Two Unlikely Companions
Boarding my plane to attend and present at the Soaring Spirits LGBTQ widowed event in Los Angeles this week and feeling more nervous than I have ever felt speaking. I have presented in front of audiences over 500 people about a variety of topics from penguins to being widowed. Broad range of topics but my […]