Throughout caring for Clayton before he died, I felt the weight of responsibilities. The weight of being a caregiver and the weight of working full time, the weight of making sure medications were dosed and delivered on time, the weight of his comfort and the weight of emotions. Heaviest of all for me, the weight […]
Widowed & Unmarried
Food Grief
I have a personal blog and I wrote about the topic of food and cooking in October 2019. I decided to revisit it and update it as some time has passed, but similar feelings remain. I follow several grief-related social media pages and participate in groups through Facebook and Instagram, etc. Through these accounts, I […]
The Upside Down
I have always had trouble when I’m told that there is no way out and no solution to things. Apparently, looking back at my writing, that fact holds true even in loss and grief. I didn’t realize at first but it explains my anger when I was hit with the regular “whys?” and the “what […]
The Letting Go of Leaving
I have had an amazing time the past week with my family. A much needed reconnect. The interesting theme was everyone’s “sorry”. “Sorry we can’t visit.” “Sorry there is nothing to do.” “Sorry we can’t hug.” Funny how we take on the weight of “sorry” when we shouldn’t. As everyone was “sorrying”, little did they […]
You are part of me.
Dear Boris, I heard somewhere that all of our cells regenerate every 7 years. I think fellow widow Nora McInerny may have said it. [I did a quick Google search on this fact and spent about 3 minutes looking into it…seems at least halfway legit? I know you’d scoff at this and then explain cell regeneration […]
The Day After
The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth and, trust me, on the seventh day after there isn’t rest. Every day is a new “day after”. Funny, that […]
Bitter, Bland and Forgotten Flavors
This year has been nothing less than bipolar. Severe ups, downs, twists and turns I could never expect. Year 1 and 2, I could keep busy, keep moving and face the loss of Clayton when I wanted too. Now, year 3, in a pandemic with the world halted, I’m forced to taste the truth and […]
The Unlikely Squirrel
Last week my therapist asked me if I felt Boris’s presence lately. I thought about it for a moment and then realized the answer was no. It had been a while since something happened that felt like a sign from him or his presence was there. Over the past 2.5 years, I’ve heard specific songs […]
The Woven Widowed “What” in the Fabric of Life
“What was I just doing? What was I about to say? What is that person’s name? I’ve known them for years. Damn it Bryan! What is wrong with you?” For a while, I thought that maybe I was a little crazy. I was struggling to understand why my thoughts were so scattered and why I […]
30
Well, tomorrow I turn 30. A new decade for me. One where Boris will never physically be present. I am struggling with that. Here’s what you should know about me: I am a planner. I love to make lists and keep a detailed calendar. Without it, things feel too uncertain and too messy. Before Boris […]
Table for One? No Thanks. I’ll Just Wait At The Bar.
Some may love going out to eat alone but for me it is emotional. Even waiting for takeout can be tough. Grabbing dinner this week, I sat at the bar and got an awkward look from one group. I’m sure it was nothing but that doesn’t mean my feelings weren’t valid. Whatever it was that […]
My First Post!
Hi, everyone. First of all, thank you to Sarah and Mike for the warm welcome. I know that your words have been so meaningful and helpful to so many people. I am so honored to have the opportunity to be a part of Widow’s Voice. There are so many reasons why this means so much […]