Despite an undeserved hard guy reputation in some quarters, the truth is I am a sensitive, occasionally sentimental, fellow at heart. However, I’m not feeling particularly sentimental at the moment.
As I have mentioned, for me June is easily the funkiest month. To paraphrase Charles Dickens, it represents both the best of times and the worst of times. Today I will write about some of the good stuff.
***
Yesterday, June 12, would have marked our twentieth wedding anniversary, but Lee did not live to see it. Of course, there is nothing magical about the number twenty. In fact, by June 2004, when we made things official, we already had a decade of joint history as a couple to guide us.
I don’t believe for one moment that our “long engagement” had prepared us for our successful marriage, however, it might have contributed to our smooth and seamless transition from civilian to married life. This was especially true for Lee, a fully formed adult when we first met but never married.
***
On the other hand, I was already a two-time loser at the marriage game when Lee and I exchanged our vows.
My first time around the block, I was a relative babe in the woods. I wish I had known better and sometimes wonder where my life might have gone had I not married. In hindsight our tumultuous, long-term relationship amounted to a colossal waste of my remaining youth, precious, irretrievable time that I could have been using productively elsewhere.
More than forty years later, our paths occasionally still cross. By now, I am completely indifferent, and, if I’m being honest, don’t think about her much at all. Meanwhile, my ex continues to harbor a grudge that she seemingly is either unable or unwilling to let go. Based on the tidbits that get back to me from various sources, she appears to relish any opportunity to bad mouth me despite the fact our relationship ended decades ago.
***
My second marriage also ended in divorce, but Jane is a terrific person, who probably deserved better than me. After we split up, she eventually relocated to a small city on the Mississippi River near her younger sister. She still resides there. This time there was collateral damage that resulted from our breakup and we each lost people whom we had counted among our close friends when we were together. I miss a few of them still.
It’s been at least twenty years since I last saw Jane, which occurred shortly after her mother passed. By then Jane had a new man, a musician she ultimately would marry. I caught a glimpse of him once at the memorial service for Jane’s mom, but she hadn’t introduced us. I’m told that he died a few years back.
Jane never had children, something she had desperately wanted during our marriage. I was happy to learn from my former brother-in-law that she had tackled and tamed her demons and achieved some peace of mind. I wish Jane nothing but good luck and happiness.
***
Now, as the saying goes, “third time is the charm.” Of course, like all married couples, Lee and I experienced our share of highs and lows. That’s how life is. Given my sorry track record it’s hard to explain, but I never doubted we were in this together for the long haul. As the years of marriage accumulated, I finally came to appreciate the meaning of the wedding vow, “ ’til death do us part.”
For a fleeting time, Lee and I were fortunate to experience how real love is supposed to feel. The irony is that this time the relationship didn’t end because of anything someone did or said. Lee’s unexpected early death did the work. And, if the descriptions of my relationship with Lee sometimes come across here as idealized or overly sentimental, shards that are left over from a profound grief, I assure you this is not the case. Rather, the love that Lee and I shared was about as tangible and unromantic as a chunk of concrete.
