Fact: I am a hopeless cinephile.

I was reminded of my love of film while watching a documentary on YouTube named “Sr.” The film features the life of Robert Downey, Sr., created and filmed by his son. We visit the elder Downey’s life as a filmmaker and follow while he is being filmed in real life as he journeys toward death.

Question to self: Are all cinephiles drawn toward death?

The movie came to me in the midst of a binge-watching event: widowed films. I indulged myself while putting time in on creating dozens of time-intensive “smash books” for an upcoming event I’m facilitating in May. Because of the time-intensive task of book making, I enjoyed a guilt-free experience of watching five movies. About mid-way through the idea for this piece emerged.

 

Films about widows have been helpful to me.

I wrote about it in this blog, posted on August 2021, just four months after Dan died and 17 days before his birthday that year.

I’ve found a number of well done movies featuring a widow, or widower’s, story. One of my favorites is The Meddler with Susan Sarandon. I’ve watched it four times. Why? Because it’s easy: I already know I like it, it’s funny, and it’s nuanced in regard to how she hides her feelings and how they sneak up on her. It’s beautiful to see a talented actor demonstrate the human game of hide & seek with deep feelings. You see her zone out. Lose her shit. Run away. Act impulsively. Hide from others.

And you see her refuse to deal with some important issues because they feel too hard. And the title? It’s well-earned as we see Sarandon distract herself from deep feelings of grief by meddling in everyone’s lives, particularly the life of her only child.

Although it does not feel like “working on my grief” to enjoy these films, it does feel like I come away with different ways of seeing my own journey. And, as in the case of the TV film, Shrinking, there is some very good advice cloaked in a bawdy, outrageously funny script with excellent acting.

 

Here are the five films I watched and where to find them:

Daisies in December (1995): Directed by Mark Haber. Starring Josh Ackland & Jean Simmons; streaming on Amazon Prime; This TV Movie received the ACE Cable award for Best Screenplay.

I found myself closing my mind to this early on…thinking it would be a classic stereotype, but the script surprised me. Jean Simmons was not predictable and Josh Ackland, so awkward in the beginning, seemed like a different man in the end. That’s love for you. If you like a complex ending, where it is NOT just a happily-ever-after, this film may just be for you.

 

My Sailor, My Love (2023): Directed by Klaus Haro. Starring James Cosmo, Brid Brennan, and Catherine Walker; streaming on Amazon Prime; Won Audience Choice Award for best International Film.

A similar premature judgment arose in me with My Sailor, My Love, but only briefly. This complex story with many layers left me wanting to go back for a second viewing. There is so much here that begs to be revisited. It is a story of love and loss from many different angles. Be patient, dear viewer, with Catherine Walker’s character (Grace). Do stay to the end; the wait is worth it. This film shows the value of imperfect love and the life-changing affect it can bring in spite of its imperfection. It also shows the opposite.

 

Our Souls at Night (2017): Directed by Ritesh Batra. Starring Robert Redford and Jane Fonda; streaming on Netflix; Won AARP Best Grownup Love Story.

This was my second time with this sweet film. I loved it more the second time. Watch for the nuance of their problem-solving. While it may strike you as simplistic or unlikely at first, it shows it’s full value at the end when you see Louis painting and Addie reaching out again with an odd solution. These two well-known actors bring a story of a quiet fondness that grows out of loneliness, creative thinking & measured risks. If you trust these two, and add the captions so you don’t miss a line, you’ll probably be glad you spent 1hr 43m with Bob and Jane.

 

The Lost Husband (2020): Directed by Vicky Wight. Starring Leslie Bibb and Josh Duhamel; streaming on Amazon Prime. Nominated for Outstanding Original Score for an Independent Film, Sherri Chung.

Josh Duhamel does NOT begin this movie as handsome, but totally embodies his sexy self mid-film. It seemed like a slam-dunk romance movie, but a deep dive surprised me with a secondary plot that showed up late. Although it did not inspire me for a second view, it resolved itself well and I’m glad I stayed to the end.

 

Three Colours: Blue (1993): Directed by Krzysztof Kieślowski. Starring Juliet Binoche; streaming on Amazon Prime.

“Upon its release, Blue received critical acclaim and won several accolades, including the Golden Lion and the Volpi Cup for Best Actress at the Venice Film Festival. It remains one of Kieślowski’s most celebrated works.”

Of the five films, this is the one I cannot stop thinking about and the one I am most careful about suggesting. At this point in my journey through grief, the process of defining my feelings, asking myself what I need, and then seeking how to help myself (which often requires asking for help) is brilliantly and painfully demonstrated by Julie de Courcy, the widow. The ante is upped in this film far above my own life. Still, as Julie’s life unfolds, I find that although the circumstances in my life are not the same, the pattern of grief and healing, and the stops and starts of 1000 different hurdles, rings true.

The category at Camp Widow of “It’s Complicated” is a great guide for those thinking about viewing this film. It is highly likely that you, like me, are not partnered to a famous composer with an unfinished piece entitled Unity of Europe and all that goes with that renown. But we recognize her pain, the way we can lose ourselves in the face of unending sorrow. We witness the way we make our way through our life as best we can; small step by small step.

The film ends with a shot of Julie crying before she begins to smile gradually. This sums up the active journey of grief. We cannot force the process but we can, with the right support, make our way through day by day. We can smile again.