Whew. And just like that the season is wrapped up. Finally. Since the ‘ber months started all I could think to myself was, just get me to January 2nd. As hard as it is every day to live with grief it’s worst during the holiday season. Mostly when our wedding anniversary falls two days before Christmas. This season was extremely hard. As much as I tried to prepare for it, there really wasn’t any amount of preparation that would have helped.
This year I was definitely more aware of everything that was happening. The numbness was gone. The twins are older to understand the joy of the season which put pressure on me trying to make it as magical as I can. It felt like every joy that was felt with the twins, every activity we did, and every moment we shared was also filled with sadness that pierced my heart with every realization that Erik was no longer next to us. But we made it through yet another holiday season without him. The distractions helped keep my mind on making any holiday in the ‘ber months as special for the twins as I could. I filled our calendar down to every possible moment. This was what worked for me this year. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, but I was distracted.
Last New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day hit me hard, something I definitely didn’t expect. I was so focused on the big holidays being hard mostly around Christmas time that New Year’s just kind of fell off my radar. So as New Year’s Eve approached this year I started to actually allow myself to feel the feelings that I had been trying so hard to push down because I just needed to get through each day mostly as a mom. And what I realized was that maybe I’m still not ready for all the feelings quite yet. The thought of getting further from when Erik was still here scares me. The thought of another year without him scares me. The thought of him missing more of our family milestones scares me. I can no longer say he died this year or he died last year. 2024 begins the counting years for me. This year will be two years since Erik passed. Two years without him in our lives. So this new year still brings a sense of survival mode for me. It brings me learning to give myself grace for where I am. And accepting that where I am is still perfectly okay.
This poem hit home.
Hoping this new year is gentle and kind to all of you.