Next Sunday is our wedding anniversary.

Because it’s on St. Patrick’s Day, people tend to remember the date. Last night, my friends were asking how I wanted to spend that day and offered companionship if I needed it. I know I won’t be heading to any of the city’s parades. As one friend dryly joked, ‘yeah, you’re still not over that’ because he knows I may never be ‘over’ it. This is the third wedding anniversary, that’s not really an anniversary anymore. I can’t yet see a future where I wholeheartedly embrace St. Patrick’s Day without Tony here.

These milestones are the ones you find the anxiety building over the upcoming days. Culminating to a crescendo of grief. The suspense for me is whether it will peak the day before or the day of the milestone. It is unpredictable how I will feel each year, and each milestone is different.

I am trying to leave myself space for quietness this week. Although, attempting to not be overscheduled with 3 kids in activities is no small feat. I am leaving Saturday wide open, knowing that day could be the worst. Sunday is also open until 6pm when one of the boys has a soccer game. Right when we should be having corned beef and cabbage. I have yet to decide if I will text our coach and excuse ourselves from the game. It’s hard to balance the things we feel obligated to do and making space for the hard days we know are coming.

I would have loved having our 17^th anniversary on the 17^th. Instead, we hold our time together at 14 years as I approach the 3^rd anniversary without him.