Widow's Voice

Another New Year

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This past weekend our family celebrated Lunar New Year, as we do every year, but our second without Erik. For the first time since his passing, I wasn’t truly dreading a holiday. It was one of Erik’s favorite holidays since he met me and this year leading up to it I felt hopeful. I wasn’t exactly excited about it, but I also wasn’t dreading it as I do every other holiday or special date since he died.

I fell asleep that night anticipating to wake up to somewhat of a good day. The morning didn’t start as I expected. It felt like the world was working against me even when I tried so hard to be more optimistic about a holiday. As one thing after the next started going wrong I found myself realizing more as the hours passed by that it’s now another year I have to be a solo parent, as if I truly needed a reminder. It’s days when I have to get ready for holidays or events with the twins that make being solo even more apparent. I was determined not to let the morning setbacks deter me. I wanted to try to get through one holiday where I didn’t feel completely crushed and with me not dreading this one I felt like it was the perfect opportunity.

As we got on with our day, the constant moving and being around people kept me occupied. It wasn’t until I was driving home that I had a chance to think to myself. It wasn’t easier. This holiday that I thought I wasn’t dreading wasn’t necessarily easier. I think I was so excited at the thought of finally not being completely anxious about a holiday that I assumed it would just be easy for me. It wasn’t. The feelings of being in this life without Erik came rushing back. The thoughts of yet another holiday he’s missing with his kids came rushing back. And the realization that this wasn’t easy at all and that holidays might never be easy again became so clear. I realized I need to not have expectations anymore for days such as these. I can’t assume how I would feel or put emphasis on how it might go. I learned that I just need to let myself feel whatever I need to feel in that moment, mostly for holidays. So I continue to try to get through days like those as best as I can for my twins. One day at a time, one holiday at a time.

About Diana Mosson

Diana was widowed at 29. Her love story with her husband Erik began in the most unexpected of places, the Long Beach DMV. That day, it felt as though fate had brought them together. Their fairytale romance blessed them with a lifetime of love that would now be expressed through grief.

Saint Patrick’s Day of 2022 became the time stamp of when Diana’s life changed forever. The day that she became a widow and a solo parent to one and a half year old twins. The day that her husband died by suicide. The day that her training in emergency management kicked in as she tried to save her husband’s life. And the day that she learned her husband was suffering in silence.

Diana is sharing her story and experience as she navigates how to overcome this new reality in the hope that it will be someone else’s survival guide one day.