St. Patrick’s Day 2024 marked two years since Erik took his last breath. This year seemed to be more challenging in different ways than I remembered year one being. It seemed to hit harder and more vivid. I was so much more aware of the situation and my feelings and everything that has happened since and everything that will happen without him. As March started this year I felt like I was living back in 2022, yet my body was in 2024. In the two weeks leading up to the 17th, I started writing my thoughts down and I realized these thoughts were my conversations with Erik in the only way that was possible now.

Here’s some of this year’s letter:

Hubby,

I still can’t believe you are gone. I go to bed still astonished each night that I am now in a new place with our twins next to me, a place I would never be if you were still here. I wake up and I’m astonished that this is where I am and the realization that you are gone hits me as reality sets in each day. I can’t believe you are missing this. I can’t believe you are missing them growing up. You were born to be a father and everyone knew it, so how unfair this is that you can’t even be part of it anymore. But boy would you be proud of our kids. Lottie is still daddy’s girl at heart. She is headstrong, independent, sassy (and I know you would say, well I wonder where she got that from…) and so so smart. Wywy is truly a lover boy. He has the sweetest soul and the most heart-melting smile, yet he is such a boy with his love of cars and his stubbornness is unmatched (well I wonder where he got that from…). He reminds me so much of you. Mostly after he gets a haircut. They both remind me so much of you. And boy can their hugs just melt all the pain away for those much-needed moments. I like to think you can see all of this. That you might not be missing any of it. But the reality is you are not physically here with us. You aren’t experiencing life with us. And you should be. Still, so many firsts that you missed since you took your last breath. It shouldn’t be like this. They ask me all the time where you are and I don’t really know how to respond because I still ask myself the same question. I miss you more than you could imagine. The way you cared for me. The way you cared for us. The way you cared for our family. I miss the way you would brush by me in the hallways of our house and each time making me feel as if I was the center of your universe even in those couple seconds and my heart would melt for you all over again. I miss your blue eyes looking at me with that love so deep I felt it in my bones. I miss those eyes looking at our daughter and son with the love and proudness that radiated even through me. What makes me the saddest is the fact that the twins will never get to experience life with you anymore. I’m not sure how much they will remember, but I do believe they will remember your essence deep inside them. The sadness of everything they will miss out on with you cuts so deep into my soul every time I think about it. I still can’t believe you are no longer with us Erik. It’s still so hard to accept. Even as lonely as I feel it’s still so hard to believe at times. I still reach for my phone and want to call you thinking by some miracle it would be you picking up on the other line. I still reach over to hold your hand when I’m driving only to find that the diaper bag sits there. I still want to believe this is all a bad dream I’ll wake up from soon, yet knowing that it will never be reality. I wish I could just go back in time and notice something. Something that could have saved you. And I’m so sorry I didn’t. I’m so sorry for everything that was supposed to be for us. All our dreams and plans. I really miss our life. I really miss you. I really miss everything that was. And some days that’s all I can really say. I just miss you.

F&A,
Wifey