Widow's Voice

No Time

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As I started to get ready for bed tonight, I realized it was Monday and I haven’t yet written anything. Our days feel so packed right now I don’t find myself looking too far forward. Which is probably why I am squeezing these posts out so late.

Just under the chaos of everything, I know that I am five days away from the anniversary of Tony’s death. However, there is so much life surrounding me, I don’t have the space to grieve right this second.

This last weekend, one of the boys and I were in Omaha for a soccer tournament. He enjoyed the one-on-one time and spending time with his teammates. I had fun watching him. However, part of my brain was also at home. Ensuring the other two boys were shuttled where they needed to be.

Photo by Bas Peperzak on Unsplash

Today, my oldest stayed home sick. He also went to take his final driving lesson to move from a permit to a restricted license. He passed! I brought up the fact that his birthday is tomorrow, and the poor kid had no idea. He went to bed tonight still feeling under the weather. I really hope he wakes up feeling better. Being sick is no fun, especially on your birthday as a kid.

The roofers also arrived today and started the replacement work. I was not expecting them to start for another day or two. However, there is rain in the forecast they are trying to beat. Fingers crossed I don’t wake up to a waterfall inside the house!

Then I rounded out the day with a baseball game for my youngest. One of the coaches told him he’d get to pitch tonight but they never sent him to the mound. He was disappointed. On the way home he told me, I think I am harder on myself after the games than anyone else. I am proud of him for having this insight. He’s not wrong, there are many car rides where I try and build him up while he tears himself down.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

All of that and it’s just Monday. I have birthdays, practices, sleepovers, and a happy hour between tomorrow and Saturday. I will make space for the grief this week, but not today. It will be delivered right on time, via air mail.

Then it will be the 21st and we’ll pick it all up and start another year.

About Emily Vielhauer

My name is Emily Vielhauer, I am 44 years old and have 3 knuckleheaded sons who are between the ages of 9 and 14. My husband, Tony, and I were married for 14 years and despite how things ended we built something great together.

April 19th, 2021 was the last day of my ‘before’ story. The day before I became a widow, before I was a solo parent to 3 boys, before I knew my love was suffering in silence, before suicide rocked my world, before I had to break the hearts of my children and all our friends and family, before I planned a funeral and delivered a eulogy, before I knew the true depths of my love for Tony and the way that love would be expressed through grief, so many befores.

My hope for this blog is to take you along with me as I navigate my life in the ‘after’ and that my words help someone else out there, whether they empower you or just let you know that you’re not alone out there.