Widow's Voice

Where is your Dad?

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Today during school pickup a little girl from the twins’ class ran up to me and started pulling at my jacket. As I was in the middle of hugging Charlotte, I didn’t pay her much attention. She kept pulling on my jacket as persistent as ever. So I looked down at her smiled and said, “Hi.” She immediately without hesitation asked me, “Where is their Dad?” And just like that, my heart dropped into my stomach. It felt as if she just knocked the wind out of me. I definitely did not expect that. Although you would think I would have a better handle on the question by now, I don’t. And I know she didn’t mean anything by it. She was just a three-year-old with a curiosity. Still in shock, I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t. I smiled back at her and turned my attention to Charlotte again. In my head the words, please don’t ask again, please just run off and play, repeated itself over and over as I tried to focus on talking to Charlotte. And as she tugged on my jacket again, most likely about to ask the question a second time, Wyatt ran up to me and my breath let out a sigh of relief. She ran back to play with no knowledge of how that 30-second exchange impacted me. And this wasn’t the first time their classmates had asked about their father. And still, I have no answer.

I don’t even have a real answer for when the twins ask about their Dad. What could I possibly say to our three-year-old twins as to why their Dad was no longer with us? How would I say it in a way that made sense to them? How do I stay as honest as I can, but also keep it age-appropriate? I can’t just keep saying he’s no longer with us anymore and expect that to be enough, mostly as their why questions have become more frequent now. And it’s the why questions that truly get me. Why is he not here mama? Why won’t he come mama? Why can’t I see him, mama? I continue to try my hardest to keep his memory alive, but it becomes hard when I tell them how much he loves them, yet they don’t understand why he isn’t here. And on days like today, I too don’t understand why he isn’t here.

About Diana Mosson

Diana was widowed at 29. Her love story with her husband Erik began in the most unexpected of places, the Long Beach DMV. That day, it felt as though fate had brought them together. Their fairytale romance blessed them with a lifetime of love that would now be expressed through grief.

Saint Patrick’s Day of 2022 became the time stamp of when Diana’s life changed forever. The day that she became a widow and a solo parent to one and a half year old twins. The day that her husband died by suicide. The day that her training in emergency management kicked in as she tried to save her husband’s life. And the day that she learned her husband was suffering in silence.

Diana is sharing her story and experience as she navigates how to overcome this new reality in the hope that it will be someone else’s survival guide one day.