As many of us know, being a solo parent has many, many challenges to say the least. Lately trying to balance being a solo mom with dealing with my grief has been quite overwhelming as we inch closer to Erik’s second death anniversary. Early on in my grief, a lot of my insecurities and worries were about how I would be as a solo parent. How would I be able to handle raising such young twins by myself? How could I be everything they need? How would I explain what happened to Dad? How would I be able to make every decision by myself? These among many others were the questions that swirled in my head every day. I still question myself now even though I am two years knee-deep in it. I feel like for the most part I have been able to handle being a solo parent, not necessarily because I believe I can, but because I don’t have any other choice.

This past weekend I decided to take the twins to Disneyland. All. By. Myself. Now this might not seem like such a big deal, but it was to me. Going anywhere in public with them in this toddler stage alone was always a mission. The night before I kept considering just canceling. Would I be able to do this myself? But it has been something I’ve been wanting to do alone with them for a while. So I did a lot of prep work. Figuring out a workaround for not having to fold the stroller because I would have to take the whole thing apart and carry it while also handling the twins. Figuring out how to make sure I didn’t lose track of them or how I would do bathroom breaks. Figuring out how I would handle meltdowns in an environment like that.

And so came Saturday morning. I decided to go at my own pace today. I was already a little stressed out about taking this on myself so I didn’t want to add any more stress by having to stick to a timeline. Of course, by the time it was close to nap time, we had just gotten to Disneyland. So I nervously decided to forgo the nap for that day. I was a little nervous about how not getting a nap for that day would affect them, but they were all too excited to be there. A couple hours in we had some rough patches here and there as I was starting to see them get tired. We ended up leaving after 6 hours. Wow! All I could think was that I couldn’t believe that even though I was outnumbered, I still lasted 6 hours with them at Disneyland! As we walked back to the car, Wyatt said, “Mama, I had so much fun!” And he looked up and smiled at me. And in that moment all the tiredness I was feeling and all the frustration of having to do even something this small alone didn’t feel so overwhelming. My heart melted even as I continued to walk back with aching arms and tired feet. As rare as it is for me, I actually felt proud of myself that day. For getting over my fear of taking them to places like that alone and believing that I could do it myself regardless of what people may tell me or the doubts I have about my abilities. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt empowered. Empowered that even though I don’t want to do this alone, I could.