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Alison Miller

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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See You Down the Road~

Posted on: June 9, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

To all of you, My community here… To Michele Neff Hernandez, for responding to the email I sent her after reading a Widows Voice blog in my newsfeed and deciding that I wanted to be one of the weekly writers.  She called me to get acquainted, and then offered me Wednesday’s space to voice my […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Milestones, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Full Moons and Memories~

Posted on: May 26, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

I danced under the full moon tonight. It was the Super Flower Blood Moon and I was on the beach in North Carolina. The air was balmy, the breeze whispering on my skin, and the ocean waves rolled back and forth easily. It was perfect. In those moments my heart held all the nights and […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Grief~

Posted on: May 19, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Cover yourself with their ashes. Rake them through your hair and paint them onto your skin. Curl into a ball on the floor, Arms wrapped around your body. Let your gut release the abject pain of grief. Of sorrow. Of devastation. Wail into the forever-ness of loss. Let it envelop you and seep through you […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

This Thing Named Grief~

Posted on: May 12, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Your loss is yours. How you grieve the death of the person you loved is on your terms. Nobody else’s. It is yours. Your timeline. Your tears. Your laughter…because laughter really is somehow tied up into the mixture of grief. There is no other timeline other than your own. There is no measuring tape for […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

The Goodbye Times~

Posted on: May 5, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Remember that old song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover? A song that carries a very different meaning from when your Lover leaves you at the end of his/her life. I’m thinking of all the goodbyes I’ve said in my life, and how none of them were easy in any way. Goodbyes aren’t meant to […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

This Terrain of Absence~

Posted on: April 28, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Life in the after is strange and weird and ill-fitting . What once was no longer is. Our physical world changes as intensely as our emotional world after our person dies. Even if our surroundings are the same, there is a person missing from those surroundings. The chair where our person sat. The table where […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

An Odyssey of Love~

Posted on: April 21, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Once upon a time… A man stole my heart Right out of my chest. It’s ok that he stole it, Because he gave me his in return. He held my heart so carefully with his two hands. This man, dressed in the uniform of the US Air Force, Pledged to Love me, cherish me, honor […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

My Recipe. I Don’t Have One~

Posted on: April 14, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

As I approach the 8 year mark, That will always be 7 years for me, Because how can I bear to count further the years you are missing from me? I have no secret recipe, no sweet story of how I got from there… April 21, 2013 to here… April 21, 2021. If someone were […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

My Why, Why, Why~

Posted on: April 7, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will this grief continue? Now stand on the nearest chair and balance really well. This chair is your soapbox. You don’t […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Community, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

The Miles Under Me~

Posted on: March 31, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

I walked down 15 steps on that long ago day that was both yesterday and years ago, 3 weeks after your death. I carried my suitcases. Your suitcase. All the assorted bags carrying all our worldly belongings. I gently placed the urn carrying your cremains in the passenger seat. It felt warm to the touch. […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

The Intimacy of Grief~

Posted on: March 24, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

In the early years of this widowed life, it was as if a meat slicer lived inside my chest, right around my heart. The chopping sensation was a 24 hour thing and it affected my breathing. Somewhere in the 3rd year I sought out counseling and went through some EMDR sessions, along with bi-lateral brain […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Love Onscreen~

Posted on: March 17, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

It’s habit with many in the widowed community to talk to their dead people. To write to them on the regular. I admire this. I really do. I’m envious, honestly. In these 7 years since Chuck’s death I haven’t been able to write to him, or talk to him. There’s just a block of some […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

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