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Full Moons and Memories~

Posted on: May 26, 2021 | Posted by: Alison Miller

I danced under the full moon tonight.

It was the Super Flower Blood Moon and I was on the beach in North Carolina.

The air was balmy, the breeze whispering on my skin, and the ocean waves rolled back and forth easily.

It was perfect.

In those moments my heart held all the nights and all the full moons that are mere memories now…the nights Chuck and I danced, wherever we happened to be.

Does it feel just unreal to you that your person is dead? Surreal?

And I wonder, will the time ever come when I don’t see Chuck’s gone-ness as a puzzle yet to be figured out?

The moon is there.

I’m here.

Where the fuck is he?

I stare at my hand and wonder that it isn’t enveloped in his as I meander along the beach.

Where is he?

If I study that full moon, boring my gaze into it, will the answer come to me?

Will Chuck ever not be missing from me?

Sigh…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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