what shape waits . . . the shape of what was what is what will be transformation. how am I different? or the same? in the seed of you . . . the seed of me of sorrow of grief of survival of resilience of gratitude i am the seed of yesterdays i am the […]
widowed missing him
Things They’ve Missed
Or Have They? There are plenty of things about widowhood that are “stage” reliant. How many days, weeks, or months its been since our person died. How many years since they left us. But the category of “things they missed” seems to come round no matter the specifics of time. It’s a category that never […]
What is Grief . . .
. . . someone asked. a puzzle an enigma one long and unpredictable complication . . . a testament to love. grief the remnant from the flood proof that love existed love’s receipt. The poet, John O’Donohue says it best: For Grief When you lose someone you love, […]
Poet in Lower Case:
e.e. cummings (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) –e.e.c. i met edward estlin cummings in high school and was carried away by his trademark […]
It’s Hard Being Widowed
Let me count the ways. Inspired by Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poem, How Do I Love Thee? written for her husband Robert Browning-1850. The depth and breadth and height of my love matches the depth, breadth and height of my grief; my soul finds you missing, again and again. …I am thinking today of my […]
The Best of Men
ONLY A DAD by Edward Albert Guest Only a dad, but he gives his all To smooth the way for his children small, Doing, with courage stern and grim, The deeds that his father did for him. This is the line that for him I pen, Only a dad, but the best of men. Words […]
Transformation
Days of the “goo” were common, in the first days of grief in spring 2021. Goo refers to what happens to caterpillars after they close themselves up in a cocoon. They liquify and live in the liminal space of “no longer this” and “not yet that” — I relate to those words. The transformation that […]
A Love Letter
After Valentine’s Day Hey love, I made it through another valentines day — so well, in fact, that I forgot it was Wednesday and I’m just writing this! Writing to you is always easier than writing to others, so here we are, my love, conversing online on the day after Valentine’s Day. Through the lens […]
Valentines, Valentines, Valentines Everywhere . . .
. . . it’s here again In trying to take stock of Valentine’s Day past, memory is fuzzy. Images come forward of our last V-Day together… Family room with hospital bed set up Candles Decorative hearts abound Did we eat? It seems a blip on the radar screen of a long goodbye with no clear […]
Missing
It began with a need for a garment bag the kind from the cleaners with its pre-slit hole for the hanger — dry cleaners size — with child safety warning included. I doubted I had one but went into my closet searching for a stray lingering on the closet rod. I notice a […]
Bridging the Distance
It’s been one year, five months and five days since you left— 523 days— 12,576 hours 40 minutes— I am keenly aware of your physical absence today, my love. I’m in the city of Newport Beach—the air is cool. The beach out of view. Of many options on the Southern California coast, Newport Beach was […]
My Grief as a Widow
I struggle to sleep at night. I have flashbacks of the horrific images of how my husband’s body was left. I miss the love of my life every day. It’s hard for me to trust. It’s painful to see his things all over the house, but I cannot bear to take them down. I miss feeling loved, protected and cared for. I miss feeling like I was…