It began with a need for a garment bag the kind from the cleaners with its pre-slit hole for the hanger — dry cleaners size — with child safety warning included. I doubted I had one but went into my closet searching for a stray lingering on the closet rod. I notice a […]
widowed missing him
Bridging the Distance
It’s been one year, five months and five days since you left— 523 days— 12,576 hours 40 minutes— I am keenly aware of your physical absence today, my love. I’m in the city of Newport Beach—the air is cool. The beach out of view. Of many options on the Southern California coast, Newport Beach was […]
My Grief as a Widow
I struggle to sleep at night. I have flashbacks of the horrific images of how my husband’s body was left. I miss the love of my life every day. It’s hard for me to trust. It’s painful to see his things all over the house, but I cannot bear to take them down. I miss feeling loved, protected and cared for. I miss feeling like I was…
Money Woes
I’m really broke. Again. I’m really tired of being broke. I’m really tired of talking about being broke. I’m really tired of typing and writing about being broke. Even when my husband Don was alive, we struggled financially. Everyday. But he worked and I worked, and we helped each other out. He started helping me out way before he moved in with me.
Doing It All
My hands hurt from the day from carrying heaving boxes and fixing things around the house. Today, I had to build my little girl a toy box. I will say it took me some time, but I got it done correctly. My back hurts from all the lifting I did, in loading and unloading Costco groceries in 110-degree weather. I miss the days where I had my husband and…
Hard Day
Today was a hard day. It was filled with anger, sadness, desperation, and tears. I am angry at the fact that my husband is no longer here. I am mad that my daughter doesn’t get to grow up with her father, and that my husband doesn’t get to experience his daughter grow up. I am mad and disappointed at everything and everyone that was involved…
PROOF
Is Don proud of me? People always tell me that Don would be proud of me. Its a nice thought. I hope its true. I really, truly hope that its true. But how can I know? I want proof. I want evidence that he is proud. Concrete evidence. Or when I say, That I wish he knew about such and such, that just happened in my life, and someone always…
Coffee With the Wind
Our cats are still here. They still sit in your recliner chair, and fight, and sleep, and Autumn still attacks Sammy for no reason. Im still watching the US Open. By myself. Roger Federer lost in a huge upset the other day, and Nadal won in an epic match that didnt end until 230 in the morning. I actually reached over to my phone to text or…
The Spice of Life
It’s amazing how simple things can etch a memory deep into your heart. Music, sights, sounds and smells. Food and cooking has always brought back memories of family holidays and campfire stories. Tin loved food. That’s basically the understatement of the year. He would take anything we had in the kitchen and in an hour there would be a…
The White Rabbit
Alarm goes off and it hurts to get out of bed. I was asleep by 10 pm last night and it’s 5am now. That’s 7 hours! 7!! Why am I exhausted? Up I go and into the bathroom. Brush my teeth, get dressed, take meds, get yelled at for food by the cat, walk the dog, pack my lunch, rush to eat breakfast, gym for 1 hour, catch up on texts, emails and…
In Love With…A Dead Man
He strides through my mind on a daily basis. My heart yearns for the Love I felt so strongly with him. My soul remembers back to the years we shared. My body yearns for his hands upon it. It’s been 5 years and 3 months since he left my world. I’m in love with a dead man. I can almost hear the shrieks of dismay and shock and see people draw back…
Five Years My Love
My Dear Linzi, Five Years, my love. Five Years. We would’ve been married five years today. Yet another milestone you won’t be able to see or celebrate with me. What would we have done? Where would I have taken you? Who would’ve watched Lila that night? Would I have cooked for you? All questions that will forever remain unanswered and…