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widowed missing him

Self Evaluation, Day 1441

March 26, 2025 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

How am I doing now? . . . 1,441 days since you left. As I move into my fourth year of life without Dan, I wonder . . . how am I doing now? Although Kubler-Ross intended the stages of grief to describe someone facing a terminal diagnosis, her steps are commonly used as a […]

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions Tagged With: widowhood and moving forward, widowed missing him, hope for widowed, healing for widowed

Once Again

November 27, 2024 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

Djembe drumming.

I Forgot You Left It was last Saturday night I was struggling with a writing goal a story that felt slightly out of reach   Called a friend Drum she said   I drummed for a time felt sleepy and went to bed at 6pm   Awoke at 9:30pm but fell asleep again Awoke at […]

Filed Under: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Uncategorized Tagged With: milestones, healing for widowed, memories, widowed missing him, hope for widowed

The Story of Us

November 20, 2024 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

A smart phone with a cover saying, "Life is the best story."

Through 179 blog posts. The image says life is the best story, to which I say, Yes. I believe that is true because death is a part of life.   Dying inside happens repeatedly after realizing our person is never coming back.   Living again is something we learn to do, small step by small […]

Filed Under: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions Tagged With: widowhood and moving forward, widowed sadness, widowed missing him, hope for widowed, healing for widowed

Trusting Me

October 22, 2024 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

Easy bridge surrounded by trees and grass.

Which part of me do I trust?   This is me in grief’s low spaces. Grief stricken. Broken. Vulnerable to pain. Feeling useless. What good is a broken bridge? Can I trust the broken parts of me?       This is me in grief’s growing places. Evidence of my brokenness is visible. Yet I […]

Filed Under: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Uncategorized Tagged With: healing for widowed, Widowed Lonliness, memories, widowed sadness, widowed missing him, hope for widowed, milestones

How long has it been?

September 11, 2024 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

Man and woman slow dancing in black & white photo.

1,245 Days Borrowing a poem from Mary Oliver to remember you: Not Anyone Who Says   Not anyone who says, “I’m going to be careful and smart in matters of love,” who says, “I’m going to choose slowly.” Nope. Mary Oliver’s opening words do not describe our particular story. We were young (so young!) and […]

Filed Under: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Signs from Loved One, Widowed Community, Uncategorized Tagged With: hope for widowed, healing for widowed, widowhood and moving forward, widowed sadness, widowed missing him

Following Father’s Day

June 19, 2024 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

Dan Neff cradling an infant grandchild with love.

Here you are on display so many years after the fact.   Having been only four tiny pounds yourself, you grew larger than life.   You had the strength to be immutable and the grace to be tender.   Tough and Tender.   A combination for life.   Seeing this photo undoes me.   Missing […]

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions Tagged With: memories, widowed sadness, widowed missing him, widowed holidays

A Personal Eclipse

May 22, 2024 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

Image of the sun in the 2024 Solar Eclipse

On April 4th, I ordered my eclipse glasses in preparation for the 2024 Solar Eclipse. Although I knew that the best places to observe were Texas, Mexico, and Canada, I would be settling for my patio in Riverside, CA. I donned my funky glasses and looked toward the sun which showed up as a fat, […]

Filed Under: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones Tagged With: milestones, widowed sadness, widowed missing him

Comparing Grief Confessions

May 15, 2024 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

piles of old clocks

[today’s view in contrast to 166+ days out . . .]   Hi Babe, It’s been 166 days, 22 hours, 32 minutes and 16 seconds since you left.   [it is now 1,126 days since he left . . .]   The clock ticks on as I write, rendering the time estimate incorrect seconds after […]

Filed Under: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions Tagged With: widowed sadness, widowed missing him, memories

The Surreal Experience of Time and Loss

March 27, 2024 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

“Today, March 26, 2024, the moon is 16 days old and is entering the waning gibbous phase of its lunar cycle. It is 98% illuminated.” — Space.com This morning I stepped out the back door and came face to face with the moon. It was around 5:30 a.m. The moon appeared full-ish tho’ my awareness […]

Filed Under: Widowed, Newly Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing Tagged With: hope for widowed, milestones, healing for widowed, widowed missing him, widowhood and wedding anniversaries

Marking Time

December 27, 2023 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

Graveside photo showing feet around the grave.

Through Numbers This is my 85th blog post as a widow. By 71 years + 230 days, time marked 32 years since Dan’s first heart attack at age 39. When he died, we had been married for 18,913 days (50 years + 9 months) when no one thought these two crazy kids would make it […]

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions Tagged With: hope for widowed, healing for widowed, widowhood and moving forward, Long Term Illness, widowed missing him, widowhood and traditions

the seed of me

November 21, 2023 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

giant sequoia with prose written on the bard.

what shape waits . . . the shape of what was what is what will be transformation. how am I different? or the same? in the seed of you . . . the seed of me of sorrow of grief of survival of resilience of gratitude i am the seed of yesterdays i am the […]

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Community Tagged With: hope for widowed, widowed grief triggers, milestones, healing for widowed, memories, widowed missing him, widowed holidays

Things They’ve Missed

November 14, 2023 by Kathie Neff Leave a Comment

newborn infant swaddled in green blanket

Or Have They? There are plenty of things about widowhood that are “stage” reliant. How many days, weeks, or months its been since our person died. How many years since they left us. But the category of “things they missed” seems to come round no matter the specifics of time. It’s a category that never […]

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions Tagged With: hope for widowed, healing for widowed, widowhood and moving forward, widowed missing him, widowhood and traditions

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