what shape waits . . . the shape of what was what is what will be transformation. how am I different? or the same? in the seed of you . . . the seed of me of sorrow of grief of survival of resilience of gratitude i am the seed of yesterdays i am the […]
widowed holidays
The Best of Men
ONLY A DAD by Edward Albert Guest Only a dad, but he gives his all To smooth the way for his children small, Doing, with courage stern and grim, The deeds that his father did for him. This is the line that for him I pen, Only a dad, but the best of men. Words […]
A Love Letter
After Valentine’s Day Hey love, I made it through another valentines day — so well, in fact, that I forgot it was Wednesday and I’m just writing this! Writing to you is always easier than writing to others, so here we are, my love, conversing online on the day after Valentine’s Day. Through the lens […]
Valentines, Valentines, Valentines Everywhere . . .
. . . it’s here again In trying to take stock of Valentine’s Day past, memory is fuzzy. Images come forward of our last V-Day together… Family room with hospital bed set up Candles Decorative hearts abound Did we eat? It seems a blip on the radar screen of a long goodbye with no clear […]
Early Morning Musings In Between Holidays
In 2021, seven months after Dan died, Thanksgiving arrived. In the calendar of our family traditions Christmas arrived just 32 days later. It is hard to believe that this is only the second holiday season since Dan left us. This morning, I am thinking about some who may be reading this that it is their […]
Missing
It began with a need for a garment bag the kind from the cleaners with its pre-slit hole for the hanger — dry cleaners size — with child safety warning included. I doubted I had one but went into my closet searching for a stray lingering on the closet rod. I notice a […]
Finding My Way in Year Two
Which Direction? Which Decision? Being lost is not new to me. My inner navigation plan is usually this: If you think you should turn right, it is highly likely you should turn left. Truth. I admire those who have a born sense of direction—like my husband. The kids often tell tales of being on a […]
A Guest House – A Birthday –
and Two Questions How is it possible that Dan’s birthday–the second since his death–is already coming up eleven days from now? Surreal. As a mom of seven, I am used to the arrival of ideas from one or another of my children. How to accomplish one solution or another…what flourishes to add–or ways to contain–an […]
Knowing Ahead
The holiday season is over. Starting in early November, every year, I begin pondering Megan’s death at an elevated rate, leading up to the anniversary of it. With Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day all occurring in the weeks just after, it’s two months of absolute stress, that nobody seems to understand, including myself. My…
Mixed Up Emotions
I noticed Kelley Lynn put up a couple of lovely questions on her Facebook page in the run-up to Christmas. It went along the lines of: Tell me, what/who are you missing? And if you’re joyful, then say more about that It’s Christmas morning, and I am sitting in bed. No rush here, because for over a decade, Mike and I said to our guests,…
A New Year 2020
Soon it will be my fourth New Year’s Eve without Mike. Huh. Wow… I don’t even know what any of this means. Everything and nothing all at once I suppose. No matter the year, I miss him and this will not change. My grief is evolving with time, but the missing is always there. It is more tolerable now, but in my fourth year of widowhood…
Already A New Year without You
I’m halfway through this winter warfare others call “the most wonderful time of the year”. The annual arrival of the four holiday horsemen. Just as one battle ends another commences giving us barely enough time to heal the wounds and gather back the troops. Thanksgiving with grief in the gravy. Christmas’ hallmark heartaches. Now the…