Which Direction? Which Decision?

Being lost is not new to me. My inner navigation plan is usually this:

If you think you should turn right, it is highly likely you should turn left.

Truth.

I admire those who have a born sense of direction—like my husband. The kids often tell tales of being on a Southern California freeway and calling their dad saying, “Dad! I’m lost!”  Then they would tell him their desired destination, read the freeway signs to him, and he would direct them on the right path. These stories are legend.

In addition to finding physical locations, sometimes we need help finding our way to a decision. Finding our way to what we need or want requires a different set of skills. One person might make a list of pros and cons or engage in research on the internet or dive into Yelp for reviews; another might call a friend for advice. And some, like me, might tune into that inner GPS known as intuition.

And what, you ask, brought you to the crossroads of decision?

One word: Halloween

Dan died on April 15, 2021 and the first Halloween without him was just six months after he passed. It is so interesting to remember back to that first Halloween.

I was wrapped in a blanket of bravery, sitting at a table set up on the driveway with the halloween candy and decorations, ready to fully enter into the fun of the holiday.

Soon after settling in, I saw the neighbor on my left pass in front of my house on her way to the neighbor on my right to celebrate together.

That’s okay, I told myself.

I’m fine.

I told myself I was fine, but my feelings when I remember it prove that I was not fine at all.

Why did the sting of last Halloween find me impenetrable then, but feeling sad, angry, and insulted by it now–one year later?

The body remembers life’s traumas even when we push them aside.

When Halloween crept up this year everything thing in me said that I wanted to be anywhere but home.

Often the second year is the hardest as that’s when the real grief work might begin. This is the time when you may be ready to face your grief head on and deal with any issues that are holding you back. —Elizabeth Postle RN, HV, FWT https://www.hospiceandcommunitycare.org/wp-content/uploads/Second-Year.pdf

You have likely guessed the decision I’m facing by now: What to do this year?

Two days before writing this post, I called my favorite movie friend and asked about her Halloween plans and if she wanted to run away with me for the night.

She said, yes!

My friend and I will go to an afternoon movie and then to dinner. Maybe we’ll even see a second movie before the night ends to make up for the many movies we missed during Covid! The surprise Trick or Treat of the night will unfold organically, but it won’t be connected with Halloween.

I am following instinct and ditching Halloween this year.

Time will tell what next year might hold, but one thing I know for sure, it will include tuning into my true feelings and then taking action to seek whatever I end up needing in Year Three.

This year, Halloween will survive without me and I will survive grief one day–one month–one year at a time.