Widow's Voice

A New Year 2020

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Soon it will be my fourth New Year’s Eve without Mike.  Huh.  Wow… I don’t even know what any of this means.  Everything and nothing all at once I suppose.  No matter the year, I miss him and this will not change.

My grief is evolving with time, but the missing is always there.  It is more tolerable now, but in my fourth year of widowhood the sense of his absence is still ever present.  I do not think this will ever change.

Mike is missing from me and it is hard to live with the aching inside me –  time does not make it better.  Easier?  Maybe.  With time, the emptiness inside me is less shocking.  I am more used to the hollow feeling I have within me.  In truth, I  hardly remember living without the dull ache of my grief.

A new year is before us whether I like it or not.  2020 is a year Mike will never be here to live.  But, I will usher it in.  I didn’t die.  Shouldn’t I welcome the new year and all the possibility it holds?  Shouldn’t I rejoice in my life?  After all, I do still have a good life.  I am grateful for all I have; but, nonetheless, I hate NYE because it feels like it puts more distance between Mike and I.  He feels noticably further away these days.  I don’t sense him like I used to.  With time, his physical attributes are fading.  His voice isn’t clear anymore.  The feel of him is blurring.  Time is making him more of a memory and less of my man.

It is very difficult to welcome in a year he will not be a part of.  But, for the rest of my life this is what I will do.

2020 is upon us.  I certainly hope this new year will bring focus and clarity like the digits imply.  I don’t know what I wish for this coming year.  Perhaps peace and a sense of contentment.  Maybe it’s acceptance.  Acceptance that this is my life.  My life is mine and mine alone.

Mike no longer exists in this physical realm.  He can not physically offer me anything in the coming year.  So, I do what I must.  I go forth without him.  I have no choice in this, neither do you.  I admit, I feel largely numb without him.  I feel lost and unsettled.  Nonetheless I will welcome in the new year and live forward because I can.

Peace be with you in 2020.  May you find clarity in all this.

~Staci

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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