Widow's Voice

Staci Sulin

Staci Sulin

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart. I encourage you to lean into your grief. And, to feel it to it's depth. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too. But, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down.

It has been over four years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty. What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by. I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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Eighty-sixed from Life

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This time buying feels different.  It feels like I am attempting to fix a wrongdoing.

The wrongdoing being Mike’s death…  Moving is a big step in the direction of righting my alternate life.  It is forward motion.  It is acknowledgement of the permanence of his death.  It is necessary and it is a good thing.  This move is about me.  It is my decision.  My choice.  My sale.  My purchase.  It is about my family and our future.  And, I should be excited about it.  And, I sort of am.  I am just not altogether overjoyed.  I am a bit blaise and this should not surprise me because I have been operating in apathy for 4.3 years now.  The move just really brings into focus how deep this indifference is embedded in my psyche.

Moving…

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And, in the familiar setting where my old life played out I was able to grieve for all that I lost.  I let my loss seep into my bones as I walked down the familiar streets of our neighbourhood.  As I wandered through the aisles of our grocery store I allowed all the sadness his death caused to drip from me.  I drove around our town and tears streamed from my eyes, day after day, as I said goodbye to the future we never got to live.  It has been an excruciating 4.3 years, but I am better for allowing myself the time to properly say goodbye to my life here.  I am now finally at a point in my grief where I can be at peace with the past and I have accepted that the future will not be the one I anticipated living.  I can move now.  I am done with this place.  I have taken what I can from it and now there is nothing left here for me.

I Accept…

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Being widowed has forced me to become accustom to being “lost”.  I have veered off the main road and I have become fairly self sufficient travelling off the beaten path.  I’ve always been independent; and, generally, I can excel under pressure; but, Mike’s death has made me even more effective in the face of adversity.  I have made solid decisions on unstable ground and I have grown somewhat comfortable being ‘off kilter’. 

These days, I choose to take the road less traveled because I enjoy the solitude, whereas, before the silence would have been unsettling to me.  With time and experience, I am less afraid of being lost.  Mike’s death is teaching me to handle the unexpected and unwelcome in life.  And, sometimes I resent this lesson, but I still choose to learn from it.  What else can I do?

 

For all it’s taken from me, widowhood has also given me an unshakable belief in myself. 

 

The Evolution of Grief part 2 (of many)

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Once my grief settled into me, I was able to move through life in a far less clumsy way.  As counterintuitive as it sounds, by allowing my grief to make a home within me, I was finally able to free myself of it.  With grief housed safely inside me, I was able to live with more agility.   When I let both my grief and my unbridled, wild hunger for life to coexist within me I found a type of peace that had eluded me previously.

Coexistence is the only peaceful way I’ve been able to manage my grief.  This last year, I have allowed my grief to “be”.  To be part of me.  To be within me.  I must emphasize, grief is not who I am; I am so much more than Mike’s widow.  But, undeniably, my grief is part of my psyche.

Resurfacing

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After months and months of nearly drowning in my own tears, I summoned the fight and fortitude needed to kicked up against rock bottom.  I let myself feel the pain of my separation from Mike.  I felt it to the depths of my bones. I endured the pain. I swallowed my loss when I was choking on it.  I made myself breathed in life when I could not get air.  I digested my grief when it nauseated me to the point that I had to hold my hair back as I threw up into the toilet.  I persisted.  I continued when I thought I could no longer live another second without him.  I did all this like so many widowed people before me.  I survived because I had no other choice.  I am an ordinary woman who endured what requires superhuman strength.  I am widowed strong.

Unfold

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I am working fiercely to own my worth.  I recognize that Self Love is where the power is.  For me to launch myself more fully into the life I desire,  I need to absolutely love the woman I am becoming.  So, today, and tomorrow and all the days of my life I am going to practice letting my life unfold without getting in my own way.

Present (The update 2020)

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I feel his absence in my psyche. Mike was my person and now I wander through life while part of my Soul is elsewhere. My goal is to become more present in my life. I want to hold steady here in the world where I physically exist. I need to engage in my life more fully. I deserve to live a good life; and, my boys deserve their Mother back. The gift of presence is the present I wish to give my boys this Christmas.