Widow's Voice

Fly me to the Moon

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For years, I asked a lot of the moon.

Every.single.night I stood outside and searched the night sky for traces of him.

I stood and waited to feel him.

I searched the night for him because I thought my heart would shatter from his absence. 

For the first years, many nights, I’d drop to my knees and I’d beg God to bring him back. 

I asked Mike to come back to me, which made no sense, but I asked him any way. 

I asked him to do what he could not.

 

I won’t ever forget the way my Soul ached and my heart yearned to know if Mike was somehow “there” with me as I stood alone in the backyard.  A yard he once stood in.

I’d wonder if he saw me, somehow.

Was he “there”, somehow.

And, really what did it matter?

I couldn’t see him anyhow…

 

There is a lump in my throat as I type this because this type of missing changes you.  It is an ache born deep within the Soul of you.  It changes you to miss someone this profoundly.

And, now, today, as I write to you I’m happy again.  There is a new man in my life.  A man who can stand outside with me at nighttime.  Together, we can look at the moon,  if we want to.  I can feel him.  He is here with me. His presence means so much more to me than he can probably ever really understand.

Still, despite my new found happiness, there is part of me that is forever changed because Mike died; and, this part of me still looks at the moon differently, she always will.

 

~Staci

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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