Widow's Voice

Staci Sulin

Hollow (Second edition)

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For many years, I chose to exist safely.  I needed to pause and reestablish my footing.  And, thankfully, I did outgrow the comfort of the limitations I have created for myself.  But, I will never forget those early days of grief.  I was so unhinged because of his death that I couldn’t manage much more than limping through the day.  But, as time has progressed, I understand that this was staggering was necessary.  I  had to experience the process of faltering and coming undone, in order to move forward.  I now understand that I needed my toes to touch the bottom before I could re-surface.  That was part of the process.  It was unavoidable.

I know that, eventually, I will find the momentum to get me to where I need to be.  I’ve come a long way these last 3.5 years and I don’t want to undersell my success.  I see what I’ve accomplished without him; and more importantly I feel it.  I like the woman I’m becoming.  And, he’d like her too.  

I have always had grit.  And, if I ever doubt my capability, I remind myself that once upon a time I was his.  And, he loved me because I was solid.  There is nothing hollow about me.

Force Feeding

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I am unsure how to sustain myself on self love alone.  I grew used to regular servings of Mike’s love; and, now, I am adapting to a strange sustenance that never seems to fill me the way his love once did.  No matter how much love I feed to myself, I am never fully satisfied.  I am not content on a diet of self love.  The love I have for myself is hearty and solid, but it does not appeal to me like Mike’s love.  His love was pure and my version of self love feels manufactured.  At best I am force feeding love to myself.  It feels awkward and lacklustre; and it is nowhere near as good as the love I shared with Mike, but it’s what I’ve got.  It is a start.

All too Familiar

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Recently, I felt like I was gaining traction.  Finally, after 3.4 years, I felt like I was starting to reenter life.  And, then, COVID19 forced me into the familiar holding pattern of early grief.  I feel the paralysis of fear taking over again; and, this feeling of being frozen by doubt and trepidation is all too familiar.  The emerging anxiety and unease are definitely affecting my psyche.  I feel myself sliding into the familiar landscape of early grief and it scares me.

I wake up each morning, and like in the days following Mike’s death, I just lay there because I have no desire to rise from my bed. My familiar routine is lost and this has me in a tailspin.  Once again, my life has been shaken up and I am not responding favorably to the changes COVID19 is forcing on me.  Right now, I feel  like my life is on hold.  Only this time, I am forced into a holding pattern because of a deadly virus, not Mike’s sudden death.

Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020

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This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip.  The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has already taught me – nothing is in our control.  Nothing in life is constant. 

The only thing certain in our lives is change.  Mike’s death has taught me to accept that life is messy and unpredictable; and in this way I am somewhat mentally and emotionally ready to handle the current crisis.  I am used to isolation and living with a sense of uncertainty because I have lived this way since the day he died.  Sadly, all of this feels very familiar to me.  *Sigh.

Safe

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I miss him all the time, but right now with all the uncertainty in the world I feel even more alone because of his absence.  The truth is, Mike would have loved being quarantined with me.  And, I would have liked it too.  Like always, we would have made the best of it together. The other day, as I wandered aimlessly through the grocery store, I wished Mike was there with me.  He’d have made me laugh.  He’d even have made shopping during the Coronavirus “fun” because he’d be saying all sorts of goofy things to me as we walked through the dishevelled aisles.

I Forgot…

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In our community, “Grief Math” is common practice. We all do it.  We keep track of dates.  We mark dates. We “celebrate” dates. We honor our person on certain days. And, daily, we privately attempt rough calculations – in our heads –  regarding random dates and their deadness.    We complete these elaborate calculations involving […]

Change

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I feel change. Change in me.  And, changes around me.
If Mike’s death has taught me anything it is that change is the only thing that is constant in life.
Change is the only thing that you can know for certain.

I have changed so very much since he died I often wonder if he could come back to life if Mike and I would need some time to adjust to each other.  I am not the woman Mike knew and loved anymore.  Parts of that woman still exist, but his death has irreparably changed me.  I accept this.  I have to.

Passion Take 2

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I have taken a fair bit of time to think about my future.  After much thought and consideration, I have concluded that my life will be magical again – eventually.  I know that my life will be everything I ever dreamed it could be.  Life will be beautiful – again.  Maybe even more lovely than I’ve ever imagined…  […]

Grit and Grace

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My foundation shifted and collapsed when he died. I buried Mike, but it was me who was buried alive by the wreckage of our dilapidated life.    For a long time I thought that maybe if I stood still he’d come for me.  I thought he would somehow find me and save me from the ruins of our lost life.  Then, after a while, I realized that Mike was…

Resolutions and other Bullshit

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Many people make resolutions in January.   I didn’t.  I simply picked a word.  I picked a word to guide me into the new decade. LOVE This is my word.    I’m not talking about romantic love.  I’m talking about: Big Love, Agape Love, Self-Love.  And, mostly I am talking about Love of Life. MY life.  The life  I have in front of…