There is a giant void that lives in my chest. This isn’t a real thing; but, nonetheless, there seems to be a huge, heavy, invisible emptiness seems to take up all the room in my lungs. It feels like there is not enough space for air inside me. For the last 3.9 years my breath feels shallow. And, really, so does my life.
I am tired of being sad.
I am emotionally exhausted because I feel everything so deeply; and, also I feel nothing at the same time.
I am not sure which is worse.
Since Mike died, I feel every thing in color, but I am living in grey. I know that it is a tragedy to live like this, but I do not know how to change it. I just don’t feel joy anymore. Yes, I have fleeting moments of happiness; but nothing, not one damn thing has been lasting. I just can’t seem to find a way to remain tethered in the present moment long enough to experience genuine joy. I wonder if I will ever be capable of this again.