It is now officially five years and seven days since Mike died. Huh. Wow. This seems like a long time, and it is. I have lived a lot of life since the day he died. Sometimes I don’t know how I got to where I am, but I did it; and you can too. We […]
Year Five… It is not what you think
Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021. For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was looming. This year, I don’t feel dread about his death date. The truth is, I don’t feel anything really. This is not easy to admit because it makes me feel like a bad widow. It makes me feel like people will think I didn’t love him. And, worst of all it makes me wonder if I am less devoted to him than I thought I was.
I feel sad that I am not sad. All these new and uncomfortable thoughts make me feel out of sorts. I am wrestling with my emotions because I don’t feel heartbroken the way I have in years past; but, I am grateful because this is far less challenging to sort out than the raw grief I felt in other Novembers. As I approach my fifth year without him, I don’t feel an endless longing for him anymore. Instead, I feel a type of acceptance.
Falling into my Own Life…
I wrote this one year ago. It is amazing how in a year so much can change in a person’s life. I will explain in an addendum that follows. ~S. I realize that I may always “fall” when the Fall season is before me. The first few years, when the leaves changed color I […]
Saved
When you allow life to unfold, the right people come into your life at the right time.
Louder
Grief has a timeline of it’s own. For me, my grief only receded into the background when I started to genuinely LIVE more. I often say that “My Grief got “softer” when my Life got louder”. This is the most accurate way I can describe the process.
Here
Today, I am present in my life again. Once again, I am LIVING. Wow. Huh. I can’t believe that I got “here” – wherever this place is… When I first started writing my blogs I didn’t know if this day would ever come – and, finally, it has. I am actually living in the […]
Average Widow – Revisited
Nearly five years later, I *still* identify myself as a widow because that is what I am. I will always be Mike’s widow. It is what it is. But, I am so much more than this. And, really, I have always known that who I am is more than a dead man’s fiance, but the weight of grief prevented me from embracing myself and who I am without him for a long, long time. Now, finally, I can say with authority and certainty that I am more me than widow – if that makes sense. I am Staci. I continue to be only “average” at widowing, but like before, I don’t care. I was never planning on excelling at this gig anyhow because I am too busy rebuilding my life to bother becoming proficient at widowhood.
Almost “Normal”
Most definitely, there was a time and place for curating thoughts of him like sacred memories I would press against my heart and attempt to memorize by feel. In the past, I spent hours tenderly thinking about Mike and reliving our life together in my mind. It was a necessary part of my grief; and, likewise, it is necessary that I have stopped this now.
Content
4.10 years later, I am content, happy and joy filled AND I continue to miss Mike. This is something I will do for the rest of my life. I miss him. I simply do. He was a wonderful person and I miss sharing my life with him. But, more than missing him, I am filled with a deep gratitude for what was between us. Mike loved me well and he changed my life with his love. His love was strong and true and big. He was everything that I ever wanted love to be. Mike made me a Fan Girl of Love and I get to keep all this. This stuff didn’t die with him. All of this is etched into my Soul. His love is in my bones, it is imprinted on my skin. I am strong on his love.
Living Forward
We can not shed our grief like I had hoped early on. Instead, we must carefully and tenderly absorb it into our bones. Grief is in the air you breath, in swirls around in your coffee, it is in the sunshine that warms your shoulders, and it lingers in your bathwater. You can not escape grief; I now realize that this isn’t possible. And, it is not the goal. It never was.
Marry Me (2021 version)
Now, today, August 20th, 2021 I no longer want to be the wife of a dead man. I want to live my life and my life no longer physically includes my dead fiance.
Life is for the living.
Mike died.
I did not; and I will be damned if his wife slowly dies here mourning him.
The best way I can honor Mike is to life a big, beautiful life. So, that is what I plan to do.
Self Love (take2)
Learning to fiercely love ourselves might be the greatest and most important love affair of our lives.
(Go on, read that again. Take a moment. Let it sink in.)
Yep. As widowed people, it is up to us to master love in a new way. We have lost the physical touch, and the voice of our beloved; but we still have the blueprints of their love imprinted on our skin and in our Souls. We know how to give and receive love because of them. So, now we must craft a way to love on ourselves when our lovers are no longer here to do this for themselves.