Widow's Voice

Staci Sulin

Empty Space

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There is a giant void that lives in my chest.  This isn’t a real thing; but, nonetheless, there seems to be a huge, heavy, invisible emptiness seems to take up all the room in my lungs.  It feels like there is not enough space for air inside me.  For the last 3.9 years my breath feels shallow.  And, really, so does my life.

I am tired of being sad. 

I am emotionally exhausted because I feel everything so deeply; and, also I feel nothing at the same time.

I am not sure which is worse.

Since Mike died, I feel every thing in color, but I am living in grey.  I know that it is a tragedy to live like this, but I do not know how to change it.  I just don’t feel joy anymore.  Yes, I have fleeting moments of happiness; but nothing, not one damn thing has been lasting.  I just can’t seem to find a way to remain tethered in the present moment long enough to experience genuine joy.  I wonder if I will ever be capable of this again.

Open Arms

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For me, my “grief work” is not so much about escaping grief (I know that is not possible); but, rather, it is about intentionally striving to reenter life.  I am a Lover of Life.  Each week I write to you, I am not writing about grief per sae.  Nope. I am writing to you about LIFE.  As a writer, I am encouraging you to live your best life.  And, sure I know that it is easier said than done, but for me it is not optional because the alternative is far too bleak.

For three years, I steeped myself in my own grief.  I became one with my grief; and, now, with nearly four years practice as Mike’s widow, I do not carry my grief in my arms anymore.  My grief does not completely over take me any longer.  My grief is still there, but it is not visible now.  And, I assure you that this is big progress. I worked hard to get to this place. 

Our Third Wedding Anniversary…

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When I think about our Wedding Anniversary I feel a bunch of nothing really.  Where there should be joy and happiness there is just a huge void.  Where there should be happy memories of “the best day ever”, there is nothing.  I have nothing to recall because our Wedding day never came to be.  So, I just sit with the nothingness that it is. The nothingness of our special day quietly blends into the nothingness that Mike has become. It is sad.  Beyond sad really.  It is tragic and it hurts. But, I will be “okay”.  I have lived through this Anniversary date twice before.

A Grief of my Own

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I think, at best, I will rebuilt a remarkable life; but while I live this beautiful new life, I know that a part of me will always be searching for the woman I used to be.  I am on the look out for the woman who was filled with excitement about the future she was going to spend with Mike.  I miss this person I once was. I miss her so very much.  Lately, my grief has evolved into a grief of my own.  Now, I spend a great deal of time mourning the woman I used to be; and, concurrently, I mourn for the woman I could have been if he did not die so unexpectedly.

Unassisted

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I felt sad when I left the dealership as the owner of a new car.  I knew I was supposed to feel happy.  I mean they congratulated me on my purchase.  Apparently this was big stuff.  Purchasing a vehicle is supposed to be a big deal.  But, I felt a bunch of nothing.  Most people celebrate the purchase of something new.  But, I didn’t feel particularly celebratory or happy.  Instead, I felt the familiar emptiness that has lived inside me since he died.  Most “normal” people would be sick from the lack of feelings I had; but I am used to feeling this heavy numbness.  Being without feeling is normal for me; and, for this reason, I just carried on.  I mindlessly drove…

The Evolution of Grief part 1 (of many)

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Now, at 3.8 years, my grief is not just about Mike.  It’s not that I don’t miss him now, I do.  I miss him endlessly.  I say “I miss you Mike” many, many times each day.  But, now the uncertainty surrounding my future is what really gets to me.  My focus is on me and not simply surviving his death.  I have done this. I have survived Mike dying.  And, now, I am attempting to thrive in the life I am slowly and meticulously recreating from scratch without a recipe to follow.   Like all widowed people, I am rebuilding my life and discovering my new self-identity and this is a long and tedious process.   But, this process is necessary.  It is part of the evolution of grief.  Eventually, grief becomes ours –  for ourselves.  It’s not about my dead spouse anymore… it’s about me.  I am the one who is still living.  And, you are too.

*Sigh

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I’m tired.  Life without Mike is not easy.  I miss him and I feel like I do not really belong in this world without him.  This is an incredibly difficult way to exist.  I desperately yearn to feel content again.  *Sigh.  I have felt displaced for so long now that I am starting to wonder […]

Bring It…

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Since he died, I have reestablished my life with the exception of my love life.  Around the three year mark, I realized that I had to address this missing component of my life without Mike.  I acknowledged that I desperately miss being part of a couple and I accepted that I would do something about this.  It was no secret to me, I liked being in love and I longed for the feelings that go along with being madly in love.  Daily, I have been missing this intangible stuff of love.  I continually hungered for what I lost when Mike died.  And, for me, I knew that I could not be wholly satisfied alone.  I remember how much richer my life was with Mike and because of this I am simply not satisfied on my own.