Content. This is not a word I would have used to describe myself in the last 4.10 years since Mike died. But, somehow, I am content today. Huh. Wow. Cool.
My life is not perfect, or easy, but it is pretty good again. And, this moment, I am both happy and content. I am not foolish enough to think that I will remain content forever. I won’t. Life is not static. Like people, emotions come and they go. But, today I am content and this is a big deal.
When your person dies you do not think a sense of contentment is achievable. At least I didn’t. Early on, I hoped to survive. I hoped to not die of sadness, but I was afraid to wish for much more because more than this did not seem attainable, until it was.
Grief is a process. You do not necessarily recover from the death of your person, but you can go on to live a full life again. This will not be the life you imagined, but it still can be a good life nonetheless. I am happy. The first few years I would never have believed I would ever type this to you, but today I am. I am happy again, and one day you can be too… Please, stay the course. Grieve AND live forward with all the grit and grace you can muster. Joy will find you again eventually.
At first joy will be found in little things like: warm coffee, a conversation with a good friend, the sunshine on your face, the wind blowing against your back, the ocean waves soothing your shattered Soul. Joy can be small initially. Just let it be tiny. Accept it. Be open to it. Joy builds upon itself. It can and will get bigger as your life gets louder and your grief becomes quieter.
4.10 years later, I am content, happy and joy filled AND I continue to miss Mike. This is something I will do for the rest of my life. I miss him. I simply do. He was a wonderful person and I miss sharing my life with him. But, more than missing him, I am filled with a deep gratitude for what was between us. Mike loved me well and he changed my life with his love. His love was strong and true and big. He was everything that I ever wanted love to be. Mike made me a Fan Girl of Love and I get to keep all this. This stuff didn’t die with him. All of this is etched into my Soul. His love is in my bones, it is imprinted on my skin. I am strong on his love.
Mike showed me how to live with wild abandon and I am better for it. In our short time together he taught me invaluable lessons about living and loving. Finally, I can think of him and smile more than cry. And, I do still cry. I don’t intend to stop my tears. They are simply my love. Love tears that’s what fall from my eyes from time to time because I love a person who died. It is what it is. I miss him. I love him and I am grateful that Mike chose me once upon a time. Now, I choose me – like he did. I love myself without condition – like he did. I love myself with the same passion that he loved me and my life is better for it.
Live forward. Love on.
~S.
