Widow's Voice

Better

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It is now officially five years and seven days since Mike died.

Huh.  Wow.  This seems like a long time, and it is.  I have lived a lot of life since the day he died.  Sometimes I don’t know how I got to where I am, but I did it; and you can too.  We can survive what does not seem survivable because the human spirit is strong.

The desire to live runs deep in me and it is this passion for being alive that helped me claw myself back to life.  I have fought so hard to recreate a life I love for myself and I can tell you I’ve done it.  Today, I have a good life once again.  And, I could cry typing this.  But, now my tears are tears of joy.  And, let me tell you, these tears don’t sting like the tears of grief.  Nope.  These tears are the tears of triumph.  And, one day, I hope you cry these tears too because they are way less salty than the tears of sadness.

Five years ago when I stood at the cemetery and watched his body be returned to the Earth I thought I would quite literally die of sadness, but I didn’t.  I didn’t die.  I kept living forward and today my life is unrecognizable compared to my life that cold November day.

I used to think that who I once was and who I have become were two completely different people.  But, I was wrong. For a long time I thought that the best parts of me were buried with him, but lately I have discovered that the best of me actually survived his death.

Among the good parts of me that survived is my laugh.  My laugh survived and it’s back again.  Mike loved how my laughter would  filled the room.  And, tonight, the new person in my life, told me that he loves my laugh.  Yep.  That’s right, like Mike did, this new man loves my laughter.  He heard the laugh I thought died with Mike and he told me he loves it.  This man unknowingly has brought authentic laughter back to my life and I don’t think he can ever really understand how grateful I am to him for this.  He makes my life better and I am so very, very grateful to him and for him.

Love got me here and like I have always said love (and little laughter) will get me through it too,

~S.

 

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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