Recently, I felt like I was gaining traction. Finally, after 3.4 years, I felt like I was starting to reenter life. And, then, COVID19 forced me into the familiar holding pattern of early grief. I feel the paralysis of fear taking over again; and, this feeling of being frozen by doubt and trepidation is all too familiar. The emerging anxiety and unease are definitely affecting my psyche. I feel myself sliding into the familiar landscape of early grief and it scares me.
I wake up each morning, and like in the days following Mike’s death, I just lay there because I have no desire to rise from my bed. My familiar routine is lost and this has me in a tailspin. Once again, my life has been shaken up and I am not responding favorably to the changes COVID19 is forcing on me. Right now, I feel like my life is on hold. Only this time, I am forced into a holding pattern because of a deadly virus, not Mike’s sudden death.