I have been feeling almost like a “regular” person lately. What I mean is that I almost feel like I did before Mike died; and, for me, quite surprisingly, feeling normal doesn’t really feel normal at all. Feeling “normal”, in and of itself, is strange and unsettling for me because for so long I have felt off kilter and directionless.
It never ceases to surprise me how much outliving the person you love affects your life. When Mike first died, all I wanted was to feel “normal” again. I was frantically searching for ways to “recover” the life I lead before his death. And, I have worked tirelessly to reestablish the ensuing sense of calm I had created for myself in my old life; yet, this peace has been elusive to me for many years after he died. Recently, I have sensed peace with her arms outstretched, reaching for me. And, I am very excited to fall into her open arms. I have anticipated this moment for years; and, now, I sense that I am at the cusp of its arrival. Having prepared for this moment, I am ready. I want to fall naturally into the comfortable embrace of a “normal” life. And, dammit, I have worked hard for this moment. I have earned this freedom from grief. Yet, somehow, being “normal” again doesn’t feel as natural as I thought it would.
I have worked my way back into an ordinary groove. I have reestablished my own life. And, 4.5 years later, I can say with confidence that I have come into a new sense of freedom and independence. I have successfully loosened the noose that is grief from around my neck and it feels fabulous.
It is good to finally breathe easier. But, the new ease I have earned is not as easy or light as I thought it would be. My new sense of peace strangles me in different ways, ways that I could never have imagined. I guess what I am attempting to convey is that feeling normal doesn’t feel normal to me at all anymore. *Sigh.
It disappoints me that after working so hard to unchained myself from my grief I still find reengaging in life as a “normal” person still doesn’t fit comfortably. Normal is now foreign to me and this leaves me wondering if I will ever really feel at ease in my own life. Wowza what a strange and unwelcome discovery.
Still, being the eternal optimist that I am, I have faith that eventually I will be more and more comfortable with my new found freedom from grief. And, for now, I will just practice being. Being present. Being alive. Being focused in the moment that is. And, being happy and grateful for the life I have recreated for myself.