It is Sunday morning and I am typing my blog in the living room in a house that is different than the one I used to write my blogs in.  Since I moved out of my house at the end of April I have been living out of a suitcase while I wait to move into my new home.  I am physically displaced, but, generally, I feel calm because being displaced and out of sorts is my baseline since Mike died.

Still, although I appear well put together, under it all, I am more restless than usual.  I guess this is normal given the situation, but a big part of me wonders if this sense of discontentment that lives inside me will ever be replaced by a sense of belonging.  *Sigh.

A change of address is not going to magically give me a sense of belonging.  I know this.  The problem is, I have no idea what or who will help me feel this Soul fulfillment that I long for.  It has been 4.6 years since I have felt truly content and I do not know when a sense of peace will ever return to me.

Last night I sat in an empty parking lot talking to my widower friend about all this and neither of us know the answers to these questions.  We both had fabulous lives that we shared with people we loved; and, now, we don’t have anyone to share our lives with.  That “peaceful, easy feeling” The Eagles sing about is elusive for us without them.  And, I wonder if I can create this sense of contentment on my own.  If I can, then that is my goal.

I know full well that a sense of peace comes from within, not from an external source whether it be a person or a thing – I am very aware of this, yet I long for companionship because when Mike was alive I can’t help but remember I did have this sense of peace and I think he had a lot to do with it.

I am working to recreate a good life for myself and in large part I am successful.  If I were to list my accomplishments they are lengthy.  *Sigh.  Big fucking deal, so I have achieved a lot since Mike died, but most of it feels hollow.  I do not feel overly proud and I do not derive a real sense of joy from any of it.  I miss sharing my life with someone and until this happens again I fear that I am really not going to feel much of anything more than I already do while I live this “knock off life”.

I guess I will drink some more coffee and contemplate ministering more Self Love to myself so that this “knock off life” can begin to feel better somehow.  Oh, who am I kidding, my life is really, it is only a knock off if I allow it to be.  Living authentically is my choice.  And, it is my responsibility.  Thankfully, while writing to you I figured this out and I will go act accordingly today.

PS

I think I need to enjoy my season of solitude rather than wish it away.  There is value in this time with myself.

 

~S.