Widow's Voice

Being

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There is a lot happening in my life right now and that is an understatement.  And, despite all the uncertainty, I am surprisingly calm. Friends of mine notice a calmness in my voice when we speak and they are right, I am very “chill” considering the enormity of the changes I am living through right now.
I sold my house and I am essentially homeless until I move into my new house this July; but, despite the lack of a home, I feel at peace. I have this sense of calm because my move was the right move. I have gained a sense of relief from making the enormous decision to sell my house. And, in response to my bold decision, I think that things in my life are beginning to fall into place. I can feel it, I am on the right path.
After Mike died I was lost. For years, I fumbled forward and worked to gain momentum as I carefully recreated myself and my life. It took years and years of hard work, but I managed to rebuild my life from the wreckage of the life I shared with Mike. It was the hardest thing I have ever done or accomplished. And, the truth is, I am not finished yet. My life remains a work in progress, but I am telling you I do like the woman I am becoming and the life I am stepping into. I am finally excited about my future. And, this has been a long time coming…
I am trying really hard to not label my life and my future experiences. I have been encouraging myself to live in the moment and enjoy whatever the moment is.  I want to stop overthinking life and just live it.  There are a lot of unconventional situations in my life right now and it does not help me to try to make sense of the situation.  Sometimes things can’t be reasoned, they simply are.  My job right now is to just relax and get out of my own head.  I need to think less and live by feel more.
This is my season of “BEING”.
Being present.
Being in the moment.
Being joyful.
Being happy.
Being alive.
Being engaged in life.
Being whatever I want with whoever I want.
So, why do I feel the need to organize all the thoughts spinning around in my head? I think it is simply a lousy habit of mine. I am a planner. I feel most comfortable when I can name and predict the situation as it unfolds. But, Mike’s death taught me that life does not work like this. Change and uncertainty are part of life.  Neither thing is avoidable – you can’t think your way into safety or certainty.  I know this.
Now, in this moment, I am left to try to relinquish my need for control and order in all aspects of my life.  And, really, it is simple stuff. All of this is only as complicated as I make it. I have no clue what will become of my life – and that is okay. In the past, I have always meticulously planned my life and it feels nice; albeit unfamiliar, to just let things unfold.  I am trying my hardest to chill out. I am practicing loosening the grip I have on the steering wheel. I am learning to believe that my life is moving in the right direction. And, I am trying to let myself trust that this moment is safe and good. I know that I need to think a lot less and live more passionately and freely.
So, I am going to sign off and do just this.
~S.

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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