I need to see new things.
And, also, see the same things – somewhere else.
I need to stand on different street corners.
And, walk roads that lead to new
people and places.
I need to breathe the air – somewhere else.
Anywhere else.
I feel like I am holding my breath,
Living here in the outskirts of my old life.
~Staci
I feel restless lately. I want to make changes in my life, but I am at a standstill because I am unsure of myself. Currently, I just exist in suburbia – I am “living” the life that swirls around me. But, I am not present in my life. I am just going through the motions. As much as I try, I am not content, despite the “good” life that I have in front of me. Without Mike, I am unsettled and underwhelmed, and no one but me can change this. I need to follow my intuition. I need to action something…
Around this time, last year, I painted my bedroom in an attempt to acknowledge that I was able to make decisions without Mike. I wanted to prove to myself that I was in charge of my life and I tried to accomplish this with a nice shade of the palest blue paint. A year later, I can say for certain that the paint was unsuccessful in making me forget who is not sharing my bed. His absence remains painfully obvious. Around the same time last year, I carefully rearranged the furniture in the living room. But, likewise, these changes haven’t made me feel less alone on the couch. No matter how I fluff up the new pillows or arrange the furniture I feel him missing. Whatever small changes I make, I still picture Mike all throughout the house. Clearly, I have to do much more than these subtle alterations around my house. But, what?
I’ve grown tired of these ineffective, roughshod attempts at reclaiming my life. I feel big changes inside me, but I still do not have the confidence to bring them to life. I am frustrated with my lack of commitment. I want to do something significant to change my life because, at this point, I know that it is foolish of me to not attempt to live my life. Mike isn’t going to become ‘undead’, no matter how much I wish he could come back. Only one of us is alive now and that’s me. I best start acting like it.
I am not longer in survival mode. Simply surviving isn’t enough to satisfy me anymore. I want to do far more than survive Mike’s death. I want to LIVE again. I want to thrive for myself, and for my children. And, thriving is going to involve changes that go beyond pillows and paint, even if the paint is the best shade of pale blue.
I find it difficult to make decisions since Mike died. I was confident and very self-assured before – and I know, one day, I will be like this again. But, for now, change scares me in ways it didn’t before. Maybe this is because so much has changed in the last 21 months; and, now, I hesitate to make further changes in my already unrecognizable life. But, despite my fears, I know that I have to action further changes. I have to move outside of my comfort zone. I can not continue living the way I am because I am neither content, nor happy.
Since Mike died, I spend a lot of my time dumbfounded and lost in thought. Some moments I still can not believe that the life we shared together no longer exists. After almost two years, I still can not believe that this is real. I still can not believe Mike died. I don’t know how long it will take for me to really “get” his ‘deadness’ and grasp the permanence of my changed life. For now, I admit that I spend most of my time daydreaming about days gone by. In my mind, Mike still seems very much alive. But, he’s not alive. He’s gone from here and I need to let my life get louder and his memory get softer.
It is incredibly hard for me to live without thoughts of him constantly fluttering into my head. I feel like I “live” in two worlds. In one world, I keep Mike “alive” in my thoughts. I escape to this place all through the day; and, concurrently, I “live” in this physical world. In this world, I go about working. Raising kids. And, I attempt to participate in life. Yet, I am not fully present in either realm.
I exist somewhere between these two places.
It is an utterly exhausting and completely unfulfilling existence because I am not authentically anywhere.
I am just sort of lost between worlds.
Wandering between dimensions.
It is very tedious.
And, I know that I can’t continue to be like this because this is not living…
I don’t know how to fix this. But, I know that I need a change of scenery. I desperately need to shake things up. I need to make new memories that are only mine. I need to separate myself geographically from where we created our life together. I am just not able to move forward where I am. Despite that there are almost no physical traces of Mike left, I am still stuck here. I need to go. I am not sure where, but I need to be somewhere else.
I need to wake up and see the sunlight streaming into a room that I entered for the first time, the night before. I need to open the curtains to an unfamiliar view. I need to order an Americano somewhere besides my local coffee shop. I need to walk along paths that are precariously perched above another ocean. I need to stop on this unfamiliar path and look out over the edge. I need to breathe the moment in. I need to stand there, and “be” in the moment. I need to learn to “be” enough – on my own. I need to have the sunshine fall on me and warm my Soul – somewhere far away from here. I need to hear the rain fall on the roof of a place with a name I’ve never heard. I need to wander through a market that has signs written in a language that I can not read. I need to enjoy lunch outside, at a charming bistro, in a country I’ve never been to. I need to wander off the street, as the sun is setting, and get myself a table for one at a quaint restaurant. I need to order myself a wonderful dinner. I need to have someone I do not know interrupt my meal and share a good conversation with me as the light of the street lamps glow off a cobblestone street. A street I’ve never been on before. A street I don’t know the name of. I need to drink wine under the light of the moon somewhere far, far way. This is what I need. I need to go on an adventure to stir life back into me. I need to leave home because, without him, nowhere feels like home to me. I need to wander the earth until I am comfortable again. And, maybe the only way I can get comfortable is to leave the places that are well worn and familiar. I know myself, I have a wanderlust heart… The only way for me to really move forward, without the man I love, is to leave the place where we fell in love.
Godspeed to me,
Staci
Originally written: August 27, 2018
* Addendum:
I am at nearly 4.7 years now and my grief has evolved so much since I wrote this blog in 2018. My grief is softer and quieter now. My grief focusses less on Mike now and more on me. My grief has become a grief of my own. I grieve for the loss of my hopes and dreams and my own life as I thought it would be lived. Since I wrote this blog, I have been working on rebuilding a life for myself because I realize that I have let too much time slip by wishing things were different. Now, I accepted in both my head and in my heart that Mike is dead. He is gone and I am not. So, now, I focus on what I can do to save myself.
Since Mike died my restlessness has increased and I have had an unrelenting urge to travel. Now, there is no way that I am able to live an ordinary life in suburbia. Mike’s death displaced me and there is no real way to fix this. So, in order to stimulate my mind and my heart I seek the sights and sounds of different places. I need to immerse my senses in the smell of foods I have never tasted and my ears need to hear languages and music from other cultures. I am no longer satisfied with the sights and sounds around me.
I think a part of me will always be searching for a sense of belonging because I no longer feel at home anywhere. My wanderlust has gone into overdrive because I am forced to live without him. My life was bold and rich when he was alive. My days were passionate and fun. Without him, life has been quiet and empty for most of the last 4.7 years. As a widow, I do not feel that I belong where I am. Travelling gives my restless Soul something to be excited about – it brings me closer to life again. And, coming back to life is what interests me.
~S.
