I have stopped fighting the sadness because I realize that it is not an either or thing. Because I am sad, does not mean I can not also be happy; and, maybe, just maybe I will also be happy in love too…
Magic Tears
I wish we were neighbors. I would come over with my cup and while we talked I would casually stir my tears into my coffee. Maybe my tears are magical. Maybe somehow, by swallowing them, the bitterness of living my life without him would dissipate. But, we aren’t neighbors. And, my tears aren’t magic. So, […]
Resurfacing
After months and months of nearly drowning in my own tears, I summoned the fight and fortitude needed to kicked up against rock bottom. I let myself feel the pain of my separation from Mike. I felt it to the depths of my bones. I endured the pain. I swallowed my loss when I was choking on it. I made myself breathed in life when I could not get air. I digested my grief when it nauseated me to the point that I had to hold my hair back as I threw up into the toilet. I persisted. I continued when I thought I could no longer live another second without him. I did all this like so many widowed people before me. I survived because I had no other choice. I am an ordinary woman who endured what requires superhuman strength. I am widowed strong.
By Heart…
This week’s writing will begin with part of the first blog I ever wrote and it will end with an update and my reflections on the three years that have past since. I wrote, “Who Am I ?” on December 11, 2017. Three years later, these words are still powerful and true…
Unfold
I am working fiercely to own my worth. I recognize that Self Love is where the power is. For me to launch myself more fully into the life I desire, I need to absolutely love the woman I am becoming. So, today, and tomorrow and all the days of my life I am going to practice letting my life unfold without getting in my own way.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (for real)
For me, this Christmas, and always, I choose to focus on the LOVE and not the loss. This makes all the difference for me.
Present (The update 2020)
I feel his absence in my psyche. Mike was my person and now I wander through life while part of my Soul is elsewhere. My goal is to become more present in my life. I want to hold steady here in the world where I physically exist. I need to engage in my life more fully. I deserve to live a good life; and, my boys deserve their Mother back. The gift of presence is the present I wish to give my boys this Christmas.
Season of Hope…
As my grief continues to evolve, I carefully consider who I am today. And, I recognize and accept that both potential and lost possibilities coexist in me. This duality is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. I am at once full of potential; and, concurrently, I have lost my ability to fulfill some of my previous desires. This is just plain lousy. I won’t pretend it isn’t.
Make a Wish
I have learned that grief evolves. It changes with time and hard work. The changes are not always linear, but they do occur. Grief is not everlasting, if you don’t want it to be. There is a new life to be found, if you look for it. There is opportunities to find small moments of joy if you are open to it. If you aren’t, then that is a choice too. But, that choice is wrongminded for me. I have life. I didn’t die. So, to honor Mike, I will continue to try to live the best life I can. Life has been denied to him, but it is still available to me – my birthday reminds me of this.
Love of My Life
After a lot of reflection, I finally understood and realized that I was left to minister myself the love Mike can no longer physically and emotionally provide to me. When you are widowed, you are invited into a new relationship with yourself. You are given the opportunity to build a deep, loving relationship with yourself. This relationship is built on a foundation of unconditional love for yourself. And, arguably, this relationship with Self may be the most important relationship of your life.
I have found that with practice, I am becoming more proficient at self love and self care.
I have become my own friend. My own champion. My own companion. I am a lover of myself.
And, this is a beautiful way to honor my dead lover.
Four Years Without Him…
It has been hard, but I have accepted that there is no returning to who I was. In the fifth year of widowhood that is before me, I will try to focus on who I am becoming. I will continue recreating myself. And, I will work to become more comfortable with who I am. While I become this new woman, I recognize that both my potential and lost possibilities coexist inside me. This is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. Another dualism I acknowledge is that both grief and hope can coexist in the same heart.
Fall
Each year, I feel myself falter and fall when the leaves change color because I know that Mike’s death date is looming large. Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to trust that I can and I will break my fall using my own grit and grace. With time, I have come to value and appreciate the beauty in my own strength. Now, I believe in myself the same way Mike believed in me. This is big, big stuff. This is Mike continuing to love on me from across dimensions.
I have come to know my own capability. Finally, I see what he saw in me. It is ironic that it took Mike’s death for me to see myself in the light he saw me in. With this reflection, I now have the ability to fiercely love myself – the way he once did. What a way to honor the big love he had for me. In his absence, I can love myself wholly and madly for him and because of him. This is how Mike’s love lives on. And, this feels pretty wonderful.