Widow's Voice

Unfold

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My mood lately has been one of reflection and this is not because it is the new year; rather, that is just where I am at in my life. For me, the new year quietly ushered itself in.  It is the first New Year’s since he died that I have not made any profound declarations.  The year just sort of ended. One year fell into the next without any big fanfare on my part.  I didn’t declare any intentions and I am content with this.  This coming year is not about what I intend, rather it is about what will be.

As the new year began, I didn’t have any desire to map out my life by creating an elaborate blueprint for the next twelve months.  I did not make any promises to live up to.  I did not announce any aspirations. I just didn’t feel the need to make myself accountable to some idealistic goal I publicly or privately proclaimed. Right now, I am not interested in setting intentions.  Instead, I just want to LIVE.  And, by living, I will obtain some benchmarks by osmosis.  By engaging in life, I will grow organically despite anything I consciously do or don’t do.

I want to live passionately.  I want to live authentically and I want to live in the moment.  And, all of this will be hard for me because I have a tendency to overthink everything.  When Mike died, I defaulted to this practice of obsessively thinking about every decision I made because without him, my life was difficult and it felt so heavy.  So, in an effort to relieve some pressure, I returned to my baseline thought processes because, although not productive, they were comfortable.  To overthink was an easy habit for me to return to.  And, lately, I want to shed my tendency to live life in such a measured way.  I want to follow my heart and my intuition.  I want to let things unfold rather than try to control the outcome of my life.  If Mike’s death taught me anything it is that life is not certain.

I plan to live forward in 2021 thinking less.

I want to just simply be in the moment and allow my life to unfold as it is meant to.

 

Also, I am working fiercely to own my worth.  I recognize that Self Love is where the power is.  For me to launch myself more fully into the life I desire,  I need to absolutely love the woman I am becoming.  So, today, and tomorrow and all the days of my life I am going to practice letting my life unfold without getting in my own way.

 

~Staci

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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