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Season of Hope…

Posted on: December 7, 2020 | Posted by: Staci Sulin

In my fifth year of widowhood,  I am trying to focus on who I am becoming.  I will not pretend that I am  “okay” without him.  I am not.  However, I am not entirely awful either…

Four years and a handful of days later, I am in limbo without Mike.  I am in a holding pattern of sorts.  I am holding steady because it is necessary.  Currently, in the stillness that is my grief, I am doing purposeful work.

In this motionless place, I can feel big changes within myself.  I am unthawing.  I am coming back to life and it feels wonderful.  A big part of returning to life has involved conscious choice.  I am tired of all the sadness. The truth is, I am beyond tired.  My Soul is fatigued.  But, while weary, I am now also filled with excitement and energy too.

I desperately want to feel alive again.  I wildly rage against the lacklustre feeling my life has taken on without him; and, despite all the disappointment and the endless aloneness, I continue recreating myself.  I have remained focussed.  I keep moving forward in a world where he no longer exists.  Day after day I breath life back into my tired Soul. 

For years, I have worked incredibly hard to become more and more comfortable with who I am becoming.   The result of all this difficult work is that I genuinely like the woman I am today.  I like who I am without him.  Yep.  That is the truth.  I like who I am, even without Mike.  Wow.  That is pretty big progress.

I clawed my way back to life when I thought I would die of sadness and becoming a new woman is my reward.  Early on, I made a deliberate choice.  I decided that I would not allow Mike’s death to define the rest of my life.  I knew that to do so would be a tragedy. The woman Mike loved would never be satisfied only being his Widow.  Sure, being Mike’s Widow is part of who I am, but I am so much more than this. Widowhood is not the sum total of who I am.  Not even close.

As my grief continues to evolve, I carefully consider who I am today.  And, I recognize and accept that both potential and lost possibilities coexist in me.  This duality is one of the hallmarks of widowhood.  I am at once full of potential; and, concurrently, I have lost my ability to fulfill some of my previous desires.  This is just plain lousy.  I won’t pretend it isn’t.

 

The trajectory of my life changed drastically when Mike died and ever since he took his last breath I have been madly re-charting the route.  I had to find my way by heart.  There is no map in grief.  You travel by instinct.  You create our own direction. 

On this unchosen road, I know that I will miss experiencing some of the good things that could have been because I have been forced onto an alternative path; but, I am pretty sure that this new road will lead me to some good places too.  Still, I mourn deeply for what might have been.  I still think about the life I thought I’d be living because nothing so far has come close to being as wonderful as the life I lost.  Still, despite nothing noteworthy unfolding yet, I know that there are big possibilities ahead for me.  Most importantly I FEEL big, bold  goodness coming straight for me.  I feel like a brand new, beautiful life is going to welcome me soon…  It is a hunch I have.

Today as I write to you, I share that both grief and hope coexist in my heart.  And, in the Season of Hope, this tired heart of mine is betting the house on hope because I have to.  I have to believe that my life didn’t end when Mike’s did.  I have to cling to the chance that a good future is ahead of me.  And, I absolutely believe that I will be “okay”  – eventually.  I think that my life will be good once again because I won’t have it any other way, and neither will Mike.

 

~Staci

Categories: Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Emotions, Uncategorized

Staci Sulin

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart. I encourage you to lean into your grief. And, to feel it to it's depth. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too. But, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down.

It has been over four years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty. What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by. I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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