I think, at best, I will rebuilt a remarkable life; but while I live this beautiful new life, I know that a part of me will always be searching for the woman I used to be. I am on the look out for the woman who was filled with excitement about the future she was going to spend with Mike. I miss this person I once was. I miss her so very much. Lately, my grief has evolved into a grief of my own. Now, I spend a great deal of time mourning the woman I used to be; and, concurrently, I mourn for the woman I could have been if he did not die so unexpectedly.
Secondary losses continued…
Since he died,
I’ve been scared a lot because I have to do everything on my own.
Since he died,
I’ve been forced to do a hell of a lot more than simply watching movies alone.
I’ve been forced to life alone.
And, this is far from easy.
Unassisted
I felt sad when I left the dealership as the owner of a new car. I knew I was supposed to feel happy. I mean they congratulated me on my purchase. Apparently this was big stuff. Purchasing a vehicle is supposed to be a big deal. But, I felt a bunch of nothing. Most people celebrate the purchase of something new. But, I didn’t feel particularly celebratory or happy. Instead, I felt the familiar emptiness that has lived inside me since he died. Most “normal” people would be sick from the lack of feelings I had; but I am used to feeling this heavy numbness. Being without feeling is normal for me; and, for this reason, I just carried on. I mindlessly drove…
Fragile: Handle with Care
For me, when things don’t go right, everything begins to intertwine with his absence. Or more to the point, my aloneness.
The Evolution of Grief part 1 (of many)
Now, at 3.8 years, my grief is not just about Mike. It’s not that I don’t miss him now, I do. I miss him endlessly. I say “I miss you Mike” many, many times each day. But, now the uncertainty surrounding my future is what really gets to me. My focus is on me and not simply surviving his death. I have done this. I have survived Mike dying. And, now, I am attempting to thrive in the life I am slowly and meticulously recreating from scratch without a recipe to follow. Like all widowed people, I am rebuilding my life and discovering my new self-identity and this is a long and tedious process. But, this process is necessary. It is part of the evolution of grief. Eventually, grief becomes ours – for ourselves. It’s not about my dead spouse anymore… it’s about me. I am the one who is still living. And, you are too.
*Sigh
I’m tired. Life without Mike is not easy. I miss him and I feel like I do not really belong in this world without him. This is an incredibly difficult way to exist. I desperately yearn to feel content again. *Sigh. I have felt displaced for so long now that I am starting to wonder […]
Dating 101: Confidence is Quiet, Insecurity Loud
I have discovered that you learn a lot about who you are while you are dating. Dating is much more than it appears to be at face value. Dating really isn’t about whether someone likes you. This simple perspective of love is held by school kids on playgrounds everywhere. But, we are adults. Dating for […]
Love is the Cure…
I can only help ease the void he left with love itself.
When I miss Mike what I’m missing is love.
How can I solve this absence of love with anything but love?
Love is the cure here – I know this.
Bring It…
Since he died, I have reestablished my life with the exception of my love life. Around the three year mark, I realized that I had to address this missing component of my life without Mike. I acknowledged that I desperately miss being part of a couple and I accepted that I would do something about this. It was no secret to me, I liked being in love and I longed for the feelings that go along with being madly in love. Daily, I have been missing this intangible stuff of love. I continually hungered for what I lost when Mike died. And, for me, I knew that I could not be wholly satisfied alone. I remember how much richer my life was with Mike and because of this I am simply not satisfied on my own.
Anything You Want
Whatever is left of me has been reclaimed. I have been slowly and steadily undergoing a rebirth of sorts. It has been painful and tedious. But, I’m doing it. I am steadily rebuilding myself from the wreckage because I have to. I have no other choice. I love life too much to just sit here and waste what I have left. I love him too much to never try to live my best life again. And, nothing, not one damn thing, will make Mike happier than if his girl can smile again. It might take everything I’ve got, but I am trying to find a way to live in a world that he is gone from. I owe this to myself. I deserve to be happy again and you do too.
Love Forward
My life feels hollow when I do not share it with someone I am in love with. Beside, why would I waste my skillset? I am really good at being in love with the right person. Mike taught me what love sounds like. He modelled what love looks like for me. And, he showed me what it feels like to be in love. He was a good teacher and I took his lessons to heart. I am good at love because of Mike. I want more of it because of Mike. This desire for love that lives inside me is Mike’s fault. I blame Mike. He made me a Fan Girl of Love.
Marry Me (Version 2020)
Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be. But, this is much easier said than done. I don’t know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost without him anymore. I don’t know why or how, but I am able to live without Mike with more ease now. I have finally accepted that Mike died and he is never returning.
I originally wrote parts the original blog, “Marry Me”, two years ago; and the good news is that my grief has changed since then. Sure, I still imagine our life in my head, but I do it in a less “desperate” way. I’m less frantic now. I’m more at peace, thankfully.
I know and understand that the life I shared with Mike is over. I accept the finality of it. I never thought I would, but I finally have accepted his death. I now can accept his death in my head AND in my heart. Wow. That’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this in writing. It’s taken me, nearly four years but I’m finding my way back to life again.