Finally, after 3.6 years my life matters to me again. I am starting to think about my future and I am beginning to feel excited about the possibilities. I am coming back to life again and it feels so good. After many years, I am beginning to earnestly consider my life without Mike and instead of only feeling sad; now I can actually see that there are many opportunities ahead for me. It has taken a long, long time to finally get to this place. But, here I am. I am standing at the threshold of my future and I am genuinely excited to live forward.
This is not to say that I don’t still catch myself wishing Mike was alive. I continue to yearn for him. I wish my life still included Mike. I quietly miss him every hour of every day – even after all this time. Yep, I still miss him; but, what good will that do? None. The answer is none. Missing him does no good. It does not serve me well. This widow is tired of simply missing her man. Missing Mike does not bring him back to life.
Mike has vanished. He is gone from here.
He has become invisible in my life.
He has nothing left to offer me in the physical world.
He has dissolved into nothing.
Now, Mike is so much nothing, he has literally become everything…
He is the moon and the stars.
He is the sunrise. And, the sunset.
He is a cool breeze against my back.
But, he is also none of these things.
Mike died.
He is formless now. He is quiet. He is gone.
I like to think that Mike has become the air I breathe.
But, since he died I have struggled for breath.
Life without him suffocates me. I am choking and I need to safe myself.
~
Yes, Mike is part of me.
His love lives inside me. His voice replays in my head.
His laughter rings in my ears. His smile exists in my memory.
He is very much “here” inside my head and he is “alive” in my heart…
But, he is still dead.
And, for me, it is not enough to build my life around the memory of the best man I have ever loved.
It is not enough. I know this for certain because I tried to make it be enough for a long, long time.
I’m over it now. I have to be.
I know that in order to live a more fulsome life, I need to share my life with a man who is alive. (Maybe some people don’t require this, but I do. There is no right or wrong here. It is just a personal preference). The way I am built requires that I have a real, physical connection with someone who is alive. I need to build a relationship that goes beyond friendship with a man. I want to be clear, I do not desire a relationship out of loneliness alone, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I hunger for companionship. Absolutely, I miss having a life partner. I miss having a best friend. I miss being someone’s lover. I just plain miss being in love.
My life feels hollow when I do not share it with someone I am in love with. Beside, why would I waste my skillset? I am really good at being in love with the right person. Mike taught me what love sounds like. He modelled what love looks like for me. And, he showed me what it feels like to be in love. He was a good teacher and I took his lessons to heart. I am good at love because of Mike. I want more of it because of Mike. This desire for love that lives inside me is Mike’s fault. I blame Mike. He made me a Fan Girl of Love.
I have plenty of friends who I love deeply, but they are not “my person”. These good friends can not take the place of my spouse – that is not their job. These friends don’t make my heart flutter. They don’t know what I ate for breakfast. They don’t ask me if we need milk from the store. They don’t look up every time I walk in the room. They don’t hold my hand or kiss me goodnight. They don’t adore me the way a lover can. The only way to fix this is to fall back into a good love. So, I am going to love forward carrying with me the lessons about love Mike taught me.
Big love or bust,
~Staci
