I’m tired.  Life without Mike is not easy.  I miss him and I feel like I do not really belong in this world without him.  This is an incredibly difficult way to exist.  I desperately yearn to feel content again.  *Sigh.  I have felt displaced for so long now that I am starting to wonder if my life will ever fall into place again…

In this alternate life, I have made a lot of progress.  For the most part my life is good and things seem on track with me.  I have survived Mike’s death, but I am still not happy; and, I sincerely wonder if I will ever be happy again.

So far, I have rebuilt a lot of my life.  I have maintained a home for my children and from the outside looking in it appears that I have adequately recovered from Mike’s death.  And, in a lot of way I have.  But, I my love life has not been brought back to life.   And, without love, I feel incomplete.  As a widow, my life is not altogether horrible, but without love my life is just kind of lacklustre.  There is no magic in my life anymore.  Zilch.  I had an extraordinary life with Mike and for this reason living an ordinary life is not fulfilling for me. I want more. *Sigh.

To be sure, I am I am not looking to replace Mike.  I know that this can’t be done.  Any new man I meet will not take the place of Mike; that is not his responsibility or role.  A new man will not be Mike and that is expected and completely okay by me.  What a new man can do for me is draw me into the present moment more. It bothers me, but I seem unable to propel myself fully into the present moment without being in a new relationship.  I wish I could have a fulsome life on my own, but I just can’t.  For me, I long for the love that died with Mike and it seems impossible for me to wholly root myself in my life when I miss being in love with Mike.  But, alas, for the millionth time I remember that Mike is not coming back.  So, now what?  Well, I think I need to attend to my desire for love.  I need to work on rebuilding my love life.  I am without the man I love, but I still have love to give to someone…

I am fully aware everything Mike was to me can’t be resurrected by a new man.  This is not my intention.  I know that a new man will not replace Mike – that’s not his job.  A new man, if he is the right man, will be enough on his own.  A new man will – in his own way –  continue what Mike started with me.  I am really good at love and a new man will allow me to have someone to love once again.

I am divorced.  I have loved several men in my life.  All loves are different – always.  And, I really don’t think past and new love can be compared. For me, it feels like a completely different life in which this new love will occur.  The life I used to have died with Mike.  There was “no better love” for the time Mike and I shared; but, that time is gone.  It is all over.

His death changed me in some very profound ways, so, moving forward, I don’t need the exact love Mike gave to me because I’m no longer the woman he loved.  I’m more independent now.  And, I love everything more passionately because I’m keenly aware that life can change in an instant.  Now, I love more fiercely and I cherish everything more tenderly.  It saddens me to know that I will never love in a carefree way again, but I won’t.  I imagine that loving as a widowed person is going to be a different kind of love than what I have had in the past, and that’s okay.  It has to be.

 

~Staci