Widow's Voice

*Sigh

| Posted by:

I’m tired.  Life without Mike is not easy.  I miss him and I feel like I do not really belong in this world without him.  This is an incredibly difficult way to exist.  I desperately yearn to feel content again.  *Sigh.  I have felt displaced for so long now that I am starting to wonder if my life will ever fall into place again…

In this alternate life, I have made a lot of progress.  For the most part my life is good and things seem on track with me.  I have survived Mike’s death, but I am still not happy; and, I sincerely wonder if I will ever be happy again.

So far, I have rebuilt a lot of my life.  I have maintained a home for my children and from the outside looking in it appears that I have adequately recovered from Mike’s death.  And, in a lot of way I have.  But, I my love life has not been brought back to life.   And, without love, I feel incomplete.  As a widow, my life is not altogether horrible, but without love my life is just kind of lacklustre.  There is no magic in my life anymore.  Zilch.  I had an extraordinary life with Mike and for this reason living an ordinary life is not fulfilling for me. I want more. *Sigh.

To be sure, I am I am not looking to replace Mike.  I know that this can’t be done.  Any new man I meet will not take the place of Mike; that is not his responsibility or role.  A new man will not be Mike and that is expected and completely okay by me.  What a new man can do for me is draw me into the present moment more. It bothers me, but I seem unable to propel myself fully into the present moment without being in a new relationship.  I wish I could have a fulsome life on my own, but I just can’t.  For me, I long for the love that died with Mike and it seems impossible for me to wholly root myself in my life when I miss being in love with Mike.  But, alas, for the millionth time I remember that Mike is not coming back.  So, now what?  Well, I think I need to attend to my desire for love.  I need to work on rebuilding my love life.  I am without the man I love, but I still have love to give to someone…

I am fully aware everything Mike was to me can’t be resurrected by a new man.  This is not my intention.  I know that a new man will not replace Mike – that’s not his job.  A new man, if he is the right man, will be enough on his own.  A new man will – in his own way –  continue what Mike started with me.  I am really good at love and a new man will allow me to have someone to love once again.

I am divorced.  I have loved several men in my life.  All loves are different – always.  And, I really don’t think past and new love can be compared. For me, it feels like a completely different life in which this new love will occur.  The life I used to have died with Mike.  There was “no better love” for the time Mike and I shared; but, that time is gone.  It is all over.

His death changed me in some very profound ways, so, moving forward, I don’t need the exact love Mike gave to me because I’m no longer the woman he loved.  I’m more independent now.  And, I love everything more passionately because I’m keenly aware that life can change in an instant.  Now, I love more fiercely and I cherish everything more tenderly.  It saddens me to know that I will never love in a carefree way again, but I won’t.  I imagine that loving as a widowed person is going to be a different kind of love than what I have had in the past, and that’s okay.  It has to be.

 

~Staci

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON A BLOG, sign in to the comments section using your Facebook or Gmail accounts, or sign up for Disqus.