I know I can be happy again. I’m just growing impatient. It’s been 3.3 years since Mike died. I have diligently attended to my grief. I’ve been a good student. So, when is my life going to feel good again? A lot of time has passed since Mike died. And, I am not sad […]
Change
I feel change. Change in me. And, changes around me.
If Mike’s death has taught me anything it is that change is the only thing that is constant in life.
Change is the only thing that you can know for certain.
I have changed so very much since he died I often wonder if he could come back to life if Mike and I would need some time to adjust to each other. I am not the woman Mike knew and loved anymore. Parts of that woman still exist, but his death has irreparably changed me. I accept this. I have to.
Passion Take 2
I have taken a fair bit of time to think about my future. After much thought and consideration, I have concluded that my life will be magical again – eventually. I know that my life will be everything I ever dreamed it could be. Life will be beautiful – again. Maybe even more lovely than I’ve ever imagined… […]
Grit and Grace
My foundation shifted and collapsed when he died. I buried Mike, but it was me who was buried alive by the wreckage of our dilapidated life. For a long time I thought that maybe if I stood still he’d come for me. I thought he would somehow find me and save me from the ruins of our lost life. Then, after a while, I realized that Mike was…
Resolutions and other Bullshit
Many people make resolutions in January. I didn’t. I simply picked a word. I picked a word to guide me into the new decade. LOVE This is my word. I’m not talking about romantic love. I’m talking about: Big Love, Agape Love, Self-Love. And, mostly I am talking about Love of Life. MY life. The life I have in front of…
So Far Away
Lately, Mike feels so far away. It is very hard to properly describe, but I will give it a try. He has taken on the feel of a memory. Now, Mike feels like more of a memory than my person. I feel lousy admitting this. It sort of feels like he is dying all over again. In my head, Mike feels like someone who lived once upon a time – in…
Bad Ass
Recently, a widowed person told me I am a “Bad Ass”. She said this in relation to what she views as my bravery and courage. I assure you, I do not view myself as particularly brave or courageous. I feel like an ordinary, if not slightly disorientated and haggard, middle aged woman. Sure, I know that I am capable of tough stuff. …
Acceptance
With time and hard, consistent work, grief does bear gifts for time served. Grief, like all things in life changes. The changes are not linear and they don’t come as quickly as we would like, but change does occur nonetheless. This fourth year without Mike, my grief feels different. Now, my grief is well worn. It is softer and more…
A New Year 2020
Soon it will be my fourth New Year’s Eve without Mike. Huh. Wow… I don’t even know what any of this means. Everything and nothing all at once I suppose. No matter the year, I miss him and this will not change. My grief is evolving with time, but the missing is always there. It is more tolerable now, but in my fourth year of widowhood…
Hustle and Bustle
I’m sitting in a coffee shop that is brimming with hustle and bustle and holiday cheer. And, amid all the merriment and the hum of constant conversation I am realizing, for the thousandth time, how very detached I’ve become. Sitting here alone at my table, I put in my earphones, then I cranked up my music because I just can’t listen to…
White Christmas
The first year, Christmas came along 6 weeks after he died. In many ways, this was a blessing because I was in such shock. I have almost no recollection of that first Christmas without him. And, I think this is the way it had to be. I know that I cooked a complete turkey dinner, but I don’t remember who sat around my table. I can’t recall…
Present
This will be my fourth Christmas without him. We only shared one Christmas together so, why does Mike’s absence weigh so heavy on me when I have lived most of my life without him? Well, there are many reasons outliving Mike is hard; there are just too many things to mention. And, really, it is the intangible things that are hardest to live…