I know I can be happy again.

I’m just growing impatient. 

It’s been 3.3 years since Mike died.

I have diligently attended to my grief.

I’ve been a good student. 

So, when is my life going to feel good again?

 

A lot of time has passed since Mike died.  And, I am not sad like I used to be anymore.  But, I am still not altogether happy.  Not even close.  I am simply just not sad to the depths of me any longer.  I don’t think a human being can bear the Soul crushing sadness of early grief forever.  Grief kindly changes so that we can live forward.  It is just what happens over time.

So, yeah, I am not utterly and completely devastated by Mike’s death any more.  Now, I’m just not content with my life. And, I am not sure this is any better.  In fact, this condition might be worse because I can continue to live this way.  And, this is no way to live. 

 

 

Living a life that feels blase is a waste of life – I know this.  I admit that I am underwhelmed by the life I am living, yet I am not sure what to do about it.  I know that only I can change any of my discontentment.  Only I can stop myself from living a life of indifference and devoid of passion.

So, now what?  What do I do so that I don’t feel so bloody underwhelmed?  What can I do to “fix” any of this? How does one manufacture a sense of contentment?  Is that even possible?  How can I reawaken passion inside myself?  How do I wake from this state of blaseness?

I have been writing about this condition for the better part of two years and not a whole lot has changed.  I remain tired and underwhelmed with the life I am living.  I wish to recreate a good life, but I feel physically and emotionally fatigued.  I am Soul Tired.  

And, today, I am unsure if I am up for the task of rebuilding my life.  Maybe today, I just take a break and stop trying to mount a come back.  Maybe today I just listen to the rain hit my window panes.  Maybe I just let this be enough.

 

These days, I am no longer completely consumed by my grief;

I have become numb to pretty much everything in my attempt to survive outliving Mike. 

I feel that I have developed an apathy towards pleasure and passion and this is a terrible thing. 

 

I have never found anything so hard as being Mike’s widow.  It has taken everything in me to survive this last 3.3 years.  And, I’ve grown bored of just surviving.  I want more.  I desperately want to feel again.  I want to come back to life more than anything.  I miss breathing in all the beauty around me.  I miss being fully engaged in my life. Dammit, I miss feeling alive.

Once upon a time, I was the girl who loved life.  I was the one whose laughter ricocheted off the walls of the room.  I was the woman whose eyes would light up when he walked in that same room.  I was full of whimsy, adventure and spontaneity.  Mike loved all this about me.  I did too.

I used to be thirsty for life; and, now, without him, I am just kind of existing.  I am skimming along, touching the surface of things.  And, this feels so unfulfilling and wrong.  I used to be a person who massaged passion.  And, now, I don’t even remember the last time I felt passionate about anything.  These last 3.3 years have stripped me bare and I no longer recognize myself.  *Sigh.

I know that grief doesn’t give a shit if I’m Soul Tired.  No one really cares if I feel blase.  It is largely irrelevant to everyone, except me.  So, I have to pick myself up and dust myself off whether I am tired or not.  I owe this to myself and to my kids.

 

~Staci