• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
Widow's Voice

Widow's Voice

  • Soaring Spirits
  • Donate
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors
    • Victoria Helmly
    • Staci Sulin
    • Emma Pearson
    • Alison Miller
    • Jeff Ziegler
    • Kelley Lynn
    • Bryan Martin

Blase

Posted on: February 23, 2020 | Posted by: Staci Sulin

I know I can be happy again.

I’m just growing impatient. 

It’s been 3.3 years since Mike died.

I have diligently attended to my grief.

I’ve been a good student. 

So, when is my life going to feel good again?

 

A lot of time has passed since Mike died.  And, I am not sad like I used to be anymore.  But, I am still not altogether happy.  Not even close.  I am simply just not sad to the depths of me any longer.  I don’t think a human being can bear the Soul crushing sadness of early grief forever.  Grief kindly changes so that we can live forward.  It is just what happens over time.

So, yeah, I am not utterly and completely devastated by Mike’s death any more.  Now, I’m just not content with my life. And, I am not sure this is any better.  In fact, this condition might be worse because I can continue to live this way.  And, this is no way to live. 

 

 

Living a life that feels blase is a waste of life – I know this.  I admit that I am underwhelmed by the life I am living, yet I am not sure what to do about it.  I know that only I can change any of my discontentment.  Only I can stop myself from living a life of indifference and devoid of passion.

So, now what?  What do I do so that I don’t feel so bloody underwhelmed?  What can I do to “fix” any of this? How does one manufacture a sense of contentment?  Is that even possible?  How can I reawaken passion inside myself?  How do I wake from this state of blaseness?

I have been writing about this condition for the better part of two years and not a whole lot has changed.  I remain tired and underwhelmed with the life I am living.  I wish to recreate a good life, but I feel physically and emotionally fatigued.  I am Soul Tired.  

And, today, I am unsure if I am up for the task of rebuilding my life.  Maybe today, I just take a break and stop trying to mount a come back.  Maybe today I just listen to the rain hit my window panes.  Maybe I just let this be enough.

 

These days, I am no longer completely consumed by my grief;

I have become numb to pretty much everything in my attempt to survive outliving Mike. 

I feel that I have developed an apathy towards pleasure and passion and this is a terrible thing. 

 

I have never found anything so hard as being Mike’s widow.  It has taken everything in me to survive this last 3.3 years.  And, I’ve grown bored of just surviving.  I want more.  I desperately want to feel again.  I want to come back to life more than anything.  I miss breathing in all the beauty around me.  I miss being fully engaged in my life. Dammit, I miss feeling alive.

Once upon a time, I was the girl who loved life.  I was the one whose laughter ricocheted off the walls of the room.  I was the woman whose eyes would light up when he walked in that same room.  I was full of whimsy, adventure and spontaneity.  Mike loved all this about me.  I did too.

I used to be thirsty for life; and, now, without him, I am just kind of existing.  I am skimming along, touching the surface of things.  And, this feels so unfulfilling and wrong.  I used to be a person who massaged passion.  And, now, I don’t even remember the last time I felt passionate about anything.  These last 3.3 years have stripped me bare and I no longer recognize myself.  *Sigh.

I know that grief doesn’t give a shit if I’m Soul Tired.  No one really cares if I feel blase.  It is largely irrelevant to everyone, except me.  So, I have to pick myself up and dust myself off whether I am tired or not.  I owe this to myself and to my kids.

 

~Staci

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly

Staci Sulin

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart. I encourage you to lean into your grief. And, to feel it to it's depth. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too. But, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down.

It has been over three years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty. What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by. I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON A BLOG, sign in to the comments section using your Facebook or Gmail accounts, or sign up for Disqus.

Primary Sidebar

Footer

Quick Links

  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors

SSI Network

  • Soaring Spirits International
  • Camp Widow
  • Resilience Center
  • Widowed Village
  • Widowed Pen Pal Program
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

Contact Info

Soaring Spirits International
2828 Cochran St. #194
Simi Valley, CA 93065

Email: [email protected]

Phone: 877-671-4071

Soaring Spirits International is a 501(c)3 Corporation EIN#: 38-3787893. Soaring Spirits International provides resources with no endorsement implied.

Copyright © 2021 Widow's Voice. All Rights Reserved.